APPARENTLY (said in the tone of an incredulous tween), one in five Macs carry malware aka the herpes simplex of computers. Say what?!:
In Technology News‘ article entitled, “Macs Crawling With Windows Malware, Study Finds,” Sophos Senior Technology Consultant Graham Cluley is quoted as saying:
“Mac users need to be educated to become aware that they are as vulnerable as PC users,” said Pickard. “A false belief that they are secure is very dangerous and makes them a prime target for the criminals.”
Hey, Graham, maybe you don’t understand. I have a Mac. Macs aren’t supposed to get viruses. That’s kind of their thing. Like Christina Aguilera singing the words “Amazing Grace” as “Aaaaaaaaaamaze. Innnnnnnnng. Ggggggggggggrace. Oh, amazinggrace.” Or like me having a sharp point at the tip of my afro like Wesley Snipes in Blade. It’s. What. We. Do.
So what the fucking fuck is up with this virus caca?
I mean, the whole reason I bought a MacBook Air was so I could be a Summer’s Eve in conversations and say the following: “Well, I have a Mac, so I don’t really have to worry about viruses, so…oooh! Spinach dip!” ‘Cause let’s be real, if you’re talking about computer viruses, it’s at a boring work party that has an abundance of spinach dip. “Well, I have a Mac, so I don’t really have to worry about viruses, so…” is the “Do you know who my father is?” for technology nerds and pretenders like me who are on their Kanye West braggadocios tip. I don’t need a Mac. I’m a writer. I can use Microsoft Word on a Dell. Hell, I can use a Trapper Keeper full of lined paper and a good old-fashioned Bic pen to write. I got the Mac for status. To prove that I can make sexy purchases that I can’t afford. To be like, “Yeah, I got a credit card/high interest rates/Didn’t go to Julliard/Went to Cal State.” I didn’t actually go to Cal State, but sometimes I freestyle in the privacy of my own apartment because I have a Mac and it has Garageband on it, so I like to drop a few bars in weird Nicki Minaj voices. I’M A MOTHERFUCKIN’ MONSTA!
I mean, being a Mac owner (since October 2011) was finally my chance to be like Justin Long in the Mac/PC commercials. No. Like James Spader’s Steff in Pretty in Pink. I mean, if I’m going to be a douche, I’m going to own it like Steff did and not be an “adorkable” douche like Long in those commercials: “My computer is better than yours, but you can’t be mad at me. I’m wearing a cardi and it’s cuddly. See? I’m so cute that I don’t even say ‘cardigan,’ I say ‘cardi’ because I lower women’s panties to the floor by lowering the amount of syllables I use, right, Drew Barrymore?” Btdubs, I have nothing against Drew or Justin; they were awesome in Going the Distance, (Netflix it) but I just imagine their relationship was just one big cute overload:
Drew: Hey Jus, wanna get fro yo? I’m totes hungs. Was a cray cray day at work and I didn’t have time to eat.
Justin: Def. Wanna get your yooze? The choc and fruit combinayshe?
Drew: LOL. That abbrev is totes counterproduc cuz combination and combinayshe are the same number of lets. This is why I lu yew.
Justin: You love me?
Drew: No. I lu yew.
END SCENE.
Anyway, the point is with the purchase of my Mac, I thought it was finally my moment to full-on jerk, 80′s style, with feathered hair and a pastel sweater wrapped around my neck like Steff. I mean, he calls Molly Ringwald a bitch. Hello, it’s Molls. She’s like incapable of being a bitch, but he did it anyway like a boss:
But Macs had to go ruin everything by being fallible. So now I’m screwed because I have this imperfect yet expensive piece of machinery, no more bragging rights, and countless freestyles (which are only 30 seconds long because my rapping skills are like Eminem’s in act one of 8 Mile aka not particularly great and probably barf-inducing) recorded on Garageband. So what do myself and all the snobby Mac owners do now? Accept out comeuppance in the form of malware? Install Norton Antivirus as a preventative measure or continue to behave like the arrogant Romans on the cusp of the fall of their Empire or in my case, just risk not having any antivirus protection and lose my ish when my computer inevitably succumbs to malware tomfoolery. Yeah, I think I’ll choose the final option cuz that’s what the Steffs of the world would do.
In closing, I’ll leave you with another freestyle, this time about my Blade-esque afro point:
Whatcha know about a sharp point in your afro/I make average dough and then I dash, yo/you at the barber getting a lineup/I’m at Chase paying overdraft fees, yup
Eh, as a PC user, I’ll still be super jealous of your fancy $1,000+ computer as I cry over my Toshiba whose Web Cam only worked for three months after purchase. Screw anti-virus programs, you have a Mac, and therefore, are cooler than me
I’m the stuffy old guy stuck in the 90s, and you’re J. Long.
I had a Toshiba! And it totally died on me, so I made the switch to Mac. It’s pretty cool. Took me 8 months to save up for it, but it was worth the money. I really wish I was cool; it’s just the Mac. I’m still a dweeb.