Rom Coms Give Me Heart Boners

I love romantic comedies. That’s right, Blarians, little miss feisty over here likes cheesy, schmaltzy, Colin Firth-y, sappy and completely unrealistic happy endings (even there’s a teeny tiny part of me – my vagina – that wishes life really turned out as neat and tidy). I get a high watching rom coms, a high so great that I like to imagine it’s the same kind of high that Oprah has when she wakes up in the morning and remembers she’s a billionaire.

Don’t believe that my little heart of coal can like something so utterly barf-inducing? This is how much I love rom coms: they make me like songs I’d otherwise hate if I heard them somewhere else or make me feel like, “damn, if only this song was used in Julia Roberts movie, I’d be all about it.” For example, we all know that Citi Bank commercial with the rock climbing woman and then that stupid song kicks in: SOMEBODY LEFT THE GATE OPEN! Every time I hear that part of the commersh, I think, “Bitch, close the damn gate already.”

However, if that very same song was strategically used in a rom com like Jerry Maguire, I’d probably feel different. If, during the scene where Jerry confesses his love to Renée Zellweger by saying, “You complete me,” (ugh, barf. Go fuck yourself, Tom Cruise, but real quick, can you fuck me first?) and then SOMEBODY LEFT THE GATE OPEN! started playing, I’d be like, “Preach, girl” and then cry.

So how the hell did this happen? My favorite movie is The Godfather Part II and I laugh when people cry on reality TV and say, “This isn’t the last you’re going to see of me.” Um, ‘fraid so, person who has a face and a name that I deleted from the Rolodex in my mind. This is the end. You peaked on America’s Next Top Model while wearing a tube top. Clearly, no one can get everything right all the time. Anyway, the point is that I’m not a particularly sentimental person and my middle name can be Schadenfreude (whoops, hope I didn’t give any Black people any ideas with that one), but all that disappears when When Harry Met Sally or Love & Basketball come on HBO because I stop whatever I was doing, turn up the volume and then do the following against a wall in celebration:

Please note that Tyra Banks is doing an upside down V in a jankity ass “Kill Bill” knock off yellow suit because she’s Tyra Banks she she doesn’t do sensible shit. She is the best/worst person alive.

Let me be clear. I don’t like all romantic comedies. Love Actually made me actually want to cancel my subscription to life. #NotReally, but #RealTalk Colin Firth’s character falls in love with a hot woman he’s never spoken to because they don’t speak the same language and they end up together. How does that even work? I get annoyed when mention a random pop culture reference to my boyfriend and he has no idea what I’m talking about. Shockingly, there are bigger things in the world than him not knowing who Michael Yah Mo B There McDonald is. For instance, Colin can’t even ask her if she wants coffee because she would just shrug, so then he would have to bumble in that charming British way he does and go, “Coffee. You know, uh, um, un café? Café, yes!” Really, he’s going to through that shit everyday with everything? No vajayjay or peen is worth that much effort. Just find an average looking person who can watch House with you without pausing the show to ask, “Um, what is ze lupus they keep talking about?” Sidenote: I’m pretty sure everyone knows what lupus is, but it’s my blog, so yah mo gonna say no French person does.

So then which romantic comedies do I like? Every other one. Seriously. I will watch almost any romantic comedy. This past weekend, the bf and I went to see Think Like a Man because my love of Kevin Hart outweighs my hatred for Harvey’s egregious eight-button suits wardrobe:

How about you think like a grown ass man and not wear head to toe mustard-colored clothing and accessories?

Like most other rom coms, TLAM really melted my butter (that’s a good thing). Obviously, the fantasy element plays a factor. Everyone lives in a great apt/house, is super hot (Good lord, Megan Good), has a great wardrobe and hangs out all the time, and loves their jobs. Just like in Going the Distance. Drew Barrymore, always wearing cute outfits, was happy being an intern in her mid-twenties. Huh? Not once did she give her boss the “if you and your hot breath come over to my desk to ask me one more question when I’m trying to get out of here because it is five o’clock, motherfucker” eyes.

But more than all that superficial stuff, the thing that I love the most about rom coms is the banter, the quiet hanging out moments. Sure, the grand love proclamations in the rain, at the airport, or in the middle of the street are adorable. The ultimate fantasy. That someone is so crazy about you, that they will suddenly realize it and run to you with the steady confidence of a Kenyan marathon runner. Seriously, no one ever gets out of breath running? I’m 27 and my legs hurt after going up a flight of stairs. Anyway, the grandiose moments easily pale in comparison to the softer, more down-to-earth ones. I’m a sucker for that kind realism, when the characters realize, “I think I might like this person.” For example, take this scene from When Harry Met Sally:

The scene is only fifty-four seconds long, but its one of my favorite scenes in the movie. Because that little back and forth between Billy Crystal & Meg Ryan is what people do in real life. I often tell my boyfriend he has the dumbest face I’ve ever seen, which is code for “I really like you right now.” Granted, it takes a really secure person to not get offended by that statement as the first time I said it to him, he clearly didn’t know what it was code for, but he laughed so hard. We were just hanging out, talking about some nonsense that neither of us can remember, and then there was a pause, so I said that. And it was kind of just perfect, actually. Those silly, playful moments matter. They can define the relationship in certain ways. Define the kind of people you’re going to be in the relationship. Yes, you can have your serious time. Those “this proves this person really cares for me or loves me” situations will happen. But they have to be balanced out with Crystal’s “Pecan Pie” voice.

And that’s what rom coms do. Despite all the clichés and the Hollywood sheen, rom coms show us those small and cute moments that people have and those speak louder to me than “You complete me” scene ever will.

In closing, always respect the Yah Mo:

Tags: Comedy, Hollywood, Love, Michael McDonald, Movies, Romantic Comedies, Tyra Banks