Hey, y’all remember when country superstar, Garth Brooks lost his damn mind, created alter ego Chris Gaines, who basically looked like Harry Potter’s Professor Severus Snape/Alan Rickman’s emo cousin, and released a R&B song called Lost in You, which when you listened to it, decided it wasn’t half bad, so you tried to buy the full-length album on the low while you were shopping at the mall with your Mom, so you ditched her in the Misses section of J.C. Penney’s and headed to the now-defunct Sam Goody Music (because of simple biatches like you trying to Chris Gaines albums and nothing else) to purchase the Gaines album from the $5 dollar bin, but your Mom creeped up behind you, so to save face, you quickly dropped that CD and grabbed Keith Sweat’s Keith Sweat? Guys? Hey, guys? Where are you going? Okay, so maybe that scenario just happened to me. Point is, take that scenario and then add to it the following: ten years later, you’re still such a fan of Chris Gaines that you dressed as him for Halloween, but drunk mofos thought you were Earth Wind & Fire’s Verdine White with a haircut and they kept Ba-de-ya’ing you during the Halloween parade (thankfully, that didn’t happen to me, but if it had, I’d rather be mistaken for Verdine White than Black Chris Gaines. There’s no recovering from that):
Verdine. White. What more do you need to know?
Sadly, those two Chris Gaines scenarios don’t even compare to the hot mess that is now Brian McKnight’s music career.
The popular ’90s R&B singer behind songs like Back At One, a slow jam that made high school mixtapes classy, is reinventing his career by making “adult music.” A month ago, he released If You’re Ready to Learn (Let Me Show You How Your Pussy Works).
Eww. I mean I thought when I saw that legendary basketball player Karl Marlone was doing commercials for Sketchers shoes, that was rock bottom. No. This pussy song is rock bottom. The title is gross and the song makes me want to take a Silkwood shower:
Before I move on, can we just take a moment to digest Meryl’s face at 0:58:
I love how Meryl’s reaction to her friend getting scrubbed down for chemical contamination is the same as mine when I’m in the elevator at work and its doors are closing on a trick I don’t like. Word to wise, I pretty much always press “Door Close.”
Back to Brian McKnight. He is forty-three years old man and father of five chillrens, including two daughters. Forty-three!!! That is entirely too damn old for someone to be singing about making vajayjays squirt. Not that there is an appropriate age to sing about squirting vajays, but there’s something about forty-three that just makes me feel like McKnight and his song are the equivalent of rohypnol. He not only comes off as creepy (“You should have brought it [pussy] to me first”), but also desperately immature for his age. When my dad was forty-three, he was rolling money into a Roth IRA and taking fish oil pills because they improve heart health. That is what grown ass, mature people do. They analyze their money with Excel spreadsheets and think, “Maybe Tony’s onto something” when watching Tony Little’s Gazelle infomercial. Not make this ridiculous song. But there is one tiny silver lining: that awful Sandra Bullock movie, The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, is no longer the most obnoxious title I’ve ever seen in my life. So there’s that.
Despite all of this, I was willing to write this off as just a horrendous and slightly embarrassing joke and then he wrote an anthem about anal sex (which you can listen to here) for YouPorn (!!!) as a thank you (!!!) for them promoting his pussy song. Brian McKnight’s career, please introduce yourself to rotting banana peels and used soy sauce packets because you are officially in the garbage. While you’re chillaxing there, I’m going to breakdown the what Brian did. He wrote an anthem for YouPorn. I guess when Bruce Springsteen was writing anthems for the voiceless working class Americans, he really should’ve put his energy into composing an anthem for the disenfranchised people at XTube. Bruce, get your shit together and focus on who really needs your inspiration.
Also, Brian wrote this song as a thank you. Ever heard of a good, old-fashioned thank you card or a bouquet of flowers from 1-800-flowers or a gift basket that is made up of chocolate in the shape of penises? Not sure if the last one is possible, but if it is, that would’ve been a better way of saying thank you. Heck, any of those would’ve been a better idea than these songs. Brian, you have lost your damn mind and you need to find it because I want the old Brian back.
Yes, maybe your CDs won’t sell like crazy like they did back in the ’90s, but there are plenty of other ways to get work and attention in this industry. You can write and produce good songs for actual singers in the music industry. Or discover a singer and get all the credit for finding the new Adele. Instead, you’re making a desperate attempt for attention and embarrassing your kids because you honestly can’t think that they’re not getting made fun of at school. They are. Trust me. But maybe it’s not just attention and you really just care that maybe women don’t know what they’re doing their vaginas and buttholes. Aww, so sweet. But honestly, I think I speak for all women when I say, “Care less.” In fact, don’t care at all because I would rather travel back in time and listen to my parents giving me the sex talk than to have torture my eardrums with another sexually-explicit song from you.
To close, let’s turn on Lost in You and play a little game called “Chris Gaines or Professor Severus:”
Bonus: Sad face Meryl Streep.
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