BITCH, YOU ARE TOO OLD.
And I’m not saying this as some ageist hater who thinks she’s going to be forever 27, which is a lot like Forever 21 except forever 27 means that culottes aren’t an option anymore and never should’ve been, but since you were a teenager and your Mom liked to take you shopping at Sears, you quickly realized that fashion disaster was the best worst option at that damn store and now that you’re a grown ass woman, you can say S my D, culottes, ’cause I’m showing the world my knees. Anyway, Madonna, I’m also not saying you’re too old because I’m one of those people who’s over you because Lady Gaga is in the picture. No, girl, I’ll always be a fan of you, your L’Oreal because-I’m-worth-it blond hair color in a box, and your dance pop music. The fact of the matter is this, Madge: you’re FIFTY THREE YEARS OLD. Instead of popping your titties out, you should be at GNC, popping a One-A-Day multivitamin into your mouth to stave off osteoporosis.
Besides “bitch, you’re too old,” there are some other observations I have about this clip from Madonna’s concert in Istanbul. One, while the “drop down, get back up, and crotch thrust the air” has been a staple of yours since the early ’90s, you need to retire it because now that everyone’s aunts and uncles know you are still doing it, they think they can still do it, hence every dance circle during this summer’s weddings will be hella awkward when Uncle Tim is crotch thrusting the air offbeat to Montell Jordan’s This is How We Do It. Trust me when I say will react to the Uncle Tims of the world’s dancing like 1:28-3:14 of this clip from A Clockwork Orange:
Two,
Her smug, self-satisfied “I did it and what? Like you never played the same word twice in a row on Words with Friends before” look is too much for something as simple and lame as showing nip.
Three, why the hell is the crowd losing its damn mind? I mean, they have the same reaction over seeing her nipple that I had in junior high when I schooled this girl in double dutch in front of all her friends:
In short, her fans lost their shit, which only further encourages Madonna to continue to pull desperate stunts like this to get attention. Her fans are 38.7% of Madge’s desperation problem. They need to put her ass in check and stop with this “she’s famous, so she is perfect” mentality. Honestly, not calling her on her shit is part of the reason she’s showing areola. Yes, she is a grown ass woman and make her own decisions, but part of being the kind of entertainer that she is calculating how people will react based on the moves that she makes. Madonna knows that doing this crap will cause people to react like they just saw Jesus in their bowl of grits. However, if people reacted to her nipple flash by directing her to ActYourDamnAge.org/donations, instead of acting like she is a Red Cross helicopter from which rice grains and toilet paper is being thrown down on them, we could prevent the kind of fuckery we see in the picture below:
Why in the hell is Madonna attempting to do a herkie cheerleader jump? This shit makes me wanna grab my first aid kit for her, which is just Crystal Light, aspirin, & a “pre-I’m happy and got a man” Mary J. Blige CD.
She’s dressing like a cheerleader, for goodness’ sake. One of the most symbolic images of female youth in America is the beautiful and young cheerleader. From American Beauty to Fredricks of Hollywood (don’t act like I’m the only one who has trolled on their website), we are, in some way, obsessed with the concept of the barely virginal cheerleader. And for someone like Madonna, the obsession is even more evident. Her whole career is contingent on being a part of the pop culture dialogue and being forever youthful. How else do you explain why she has Perdue chicken cutlets jammed in her face and body of a roided out welterweight boxer? The outright defiance of “I’m whatever age I imagine myself to be” isn’t something I entirely understand or relate to as I’m only in my late 20s. However, I can relate to it a little bit, I think.
I used to be a size zero. In college. I have the pictures to prove it. Anyway, I was a zero and I never really thought too much about it; I was just happy to be able to eat McDonald’s whenever I wanted to. I know that sounds gross, but I grew up eating pretty healthy, meaning that my parents maybe bought fast food me twice in my life, so when I was finally on my own, I went a little fast food crazy. So, during college, while some people were busy trying to fuck people, I was busy fucking my face with french fries. The point is that over the years, I thankfully put on weight and filled out quite a bit Cut to a doctor’s appointment a few months ago when I was asked what my typical weight is. I gave them a number and then was told I’m 140lbs, which was twenty plus pounds more than the number I gave them and about forty pounds heavier since my size zero days at the age of twenty-one. And for those of you who are rolling their eyes, I know that 140lbs is a decent weight for someone my height. I’m not upset over the number. However, that didn’t stop me from feeling kind of weird about it. And then it dawned me: I was no longer a size zero and that I subconsciously had placed a value on that size zero-ness. Part of it was societal, but part of that value placement was on me. I knew that what I had naturally, is what most women had to work for and that was like a badge of honor. Some women have fabulous hair, or long legs, and I had my size zero. And even though I clearly hadn’t been a size zero for quite some time (I didn’t just wake up with an extra 40lbs on the morning of doctor’s appointment), having the doctor say, “140lbs” was like “whoa!” When it should’ve been, “Thank goodness I’m not 100lbs anymore. I would look like a bobblehead.” But there was still a small 2% of me going, “but I used to be a zero.” I used to be a zero. And now I’m not. So what? Seriously, so fucking what? It’s a part of aging. If at the age of twenty-seven, I’m still trying to maintain the exact same body I had from my late teens to age twenty-one, it would be a losing and miserable battle.
And that’s my point with Madonna and her titty. Again, I love her and her music, but this clinging to the past, to what she used to be physically, instead of embracing who and what she is now is a shame. The fact that she feels the best way to be relevant is showing her fifty-three year old boob is weak sauce. The fact that she’s still making bubble gum pop music about a DJ turning up the radio ridiculous. The fact that she is still crotch thrusting the air is insane. Because she is fifty-three. And yes, we’re not supposed to care about age and let it define in a way that holds us back as people, but maybe we should a little. And if you consider being held back as a person is that you are considered to old to be flashing your titty in public than you need to reexamine your whole life. Furthermore, maybe it’s age and maturity that tells us, “You know, you don’t need to do that anymore. You don’t need it to do it at all because you’re beyond it.” Madonna, you don’t need flash us your boob because not only are you fifty-three, but you’re Madonna and you’ve been there and done all that shit years ago. So give as something new to talk about. After all, above everything else, you always gave us something to talk about. Titillate us in a new way.
Oh, so funny. Especially this line: ” However, if people reacted to her nipple flash by directing her to ActYourDamnAge.org/donations, instead of acting like she is a Red Cross helicopter from which rice grains and toilet paper is being thrown down on them,”
I really lost in in that line. hahahahaha!
Lol. That’s my fav line, too!! I mean, that crowd was going INSANE over the nipple flashing. I couldn’t believe it. It’s like, calm down, guys.
With Madonna, I don’t think her nudity was ever really about eroticism. It was more about screwing around with societal expectations and getting noticed. For me, it’s not about her age, but that she is now fulfilling expectations rather than subverting them. When did Madonna become boring? 2010?
I absolutely agree that some of her overt sexuality was subversion. I think she stopped being interesting when she kissed Britney Spears & Christina Aguilera. That stunt was SO obvious and I think that even though Madonna got press for it, I think people didn’t really care AND the stunt overshadowed her cd that was out at the time, which was “American Life.” For the first time, her music did not deliver (it was a pretty terrible album save for 2 or 3 songs), so all we were left with were a handful of stunts. Once she started putting attention above putting out a great album is when she lost focus. Because she’s best when she matches a great concept with great pop music.
That titty has been overexposed since ’92. http://themelonheads.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/Picture-4.png
Haha. I def clicked on that at work. Good thing no one was around. That photo was hot tho. Like the author name.