Happy eve before Father’s Day Eve, #TeamBlaria! If you’re like me, you’re probably just chilling at home, singing along to some Anita Baker like a recently divorced forty-five year Black woman as a reward for already purchasing your Father’s Day gift. If you’re not like me, that means your procrastinating ass is waiting until the very last minute to walk into Home Depot and turn that shopping experience into a spinoff of Supermarket Sweep called How Many Fucks Do I Give About Father’s Day? None, But If You Do Not Give Me That Last Power Tool, I Will Have To Curb Stomp Your Face a la “American History X.” Not a catchy title, but it’s accurate as hell. Point is, here we are two days before Father’s Day and you haven’t gotten your pops a pressie (abbrev for present) yet. But fear not, as I’m going to navigate you through the dos and don’ts of Father Day gift buying, so that your Dad will react like this when he opens your present:
DO: Stay within your budget! We all hate the feeling of not being able to afford something, but don’t beat yourself up or go into credit card debt getting your pops that expensive sound system or grill that you know you can’t afford. However, on the flip side, that doesn’t mean I’m giving you license to be a cheap asshole. As in when you’re searching for a gift and the thing that most piques your interest about an item is the fact that it’s on sale, then you’re being trifling good for nothing type of brother and you know how Beyoncé feels about that shit:
Just work extra hard to find that one gift that is within budget and also awesome. For real, he’s going to love you whether the gift costs $50 or $150.
DON’T: Unless you take Flintstones Chewable vitamins, do not under any circumstances buy your dad a tie. This isn’t office Secret Santa where you buy a co-worker a b.s. gift. This is your dad. You came from his balls! Act like you appreciate that fact, ya know? However, if you still decide to go through with the tie purchase, please be aware that he has the right to do the following:
Except instead of a basket of fruit, I hope he’s tipping over a basket of Red Lobster’s good ass cheddar biscuits, so that you fully understand the error of your ways.
DO: Say “I love you.” I know we all act like dads are pillars of strength, but let’s be real: as a society, we shower our moms with love and affection all the time and we don’t always do the same for our dads because we think they don’t want that mushy stuff. But even more than that, we forget to take into account all the stuff our dads have done for us. Working extra hours so they can get you that Tonka truck you wanted when you were seven or cooking breakfast with you on the weekends. Dads don’t get enough props, but that can easily be mended with those three words, which even if he doesn’t show it, he’s feeling this on the inside after you say them:
DON’T: Buy any more clichéd macho stuff for your dad. No more Dolph Lundgren DVDs, no more power tools. For Mother’s Day, would you buy your mom an Easy Bake oven or Nutella so she has something to cry into/eat out of while watching a Diane Lane marathon? No. It’s 2012! Both men and women are much more dimensional than the stereotypes assigned to them. Yes, dads can be serious, strong, masculine, but they can also be this:
So think outside the box and consider getting your dad artwork or a gift certificate to a photography class or something else that doesn’t imply that your dad is only into beer, meat, and farts in that order.
DO: #RealTalk, dudes, especially dads, can be hard to shop for as they won’t always to say what it is that they want. So if you’re unsure, don’t be afraid to get your Tom Cruise in Minority Report on and reach out to family members to get some intel:
This way, you’re bound to get a cooler gift and your dad will be that much more surprised at what you got him because he will see that you put in some effort. So obviously that means…
DON’T: Freaking call your dad and be like, “Hey, [insert burp sound effect] so Father’s Day is coming up soon. What do you want me to get you?” That is some lazy, limp dick bullshit right there.
DO: Always check the gift receipt to see if that shit is timestamped.
Don’t snitch on yourself!!! If you bought your gift last minute, that’s between you, your Chase Rewards Debit Card (aren’t you glad you saved up 3,000 points, so you could cash them in on a pair of Apple headphones) and Darlene, the lady at the cash register. Destroy that gift receipt the way a movie assassin dissembles his gun and throws it in the river aka just put the receipt in your wallet. And hope that your dad likes his gift and doesn’t want to exchange it.
DON’T: If your present is clearly better than the one(s) your sibling(s) bought, don’t do this:
And celebrate in front of them like your mom just bought you a Dunkaroos snack pack. Be cool.
DO: If you live in a different state than your pops, call him like before 11:59:00pm on Father’s Day. If you’re going to wait until the last minute to call him, then you must tell him all the shit you did that day that was more important than acknowledging his existence. Like eating the last of your roommate’s peanut butter, getting ready to go to the gym, but then opting to masturbate and take a three hour nap instead, and spending twenty-three hours and fifty-nine minutes not caring about your dad’s feelings.
DON’T: Buy your dad a lame ass Hallmark card that has a cheesy message inside and then just write, “Love,” and your name. Doing that is the equivalent of checking the box at the bottom of iTunes Terms & Agreements without reading them. You’re like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. I agree. I just want to buy Carly Rae Jenson’s Call Me Maybe already. This is a GD emergency.” Write something thoughtful like you appreciate that you ended up on Planet Earf instead of inside a Fruit of the Loom crew sock.
Hope these tips helped. Now get out there and throw a few ‘bows to get your pops something good for Father’s Day!