Y’all, I lurve, not love, basketball. It’s one of my favorite sports. It’s exciting, dramatic, and I’ve always dreamed of being a NBA coach like Whoopi Goldberg in the movie Eddie when she took over the New York Knicks after winning a contest. Blah, blah, blah. Let’s get to the real point: sure, this NBA season has been great, but the real
highlight lowlight has been the post game outfits that have been nothing short of two scoops of foolishness and a sprinkle of my momma didn’t raise me with enough damn sense. So let’s toast to the top ten fashion disasters that have given my 20/20 eyeballs the middle finger in HD and then made them do this:
#10: OKC’s Russell Westbrook’s Game 1 of the NBA Finals post game outfit:
What in green eggs and ham hell is Westbrook’s shirt? The characters on it look like Dr. Seuss rejects. And, unfortunately, the only way to get a reprieve from that loud ass shirt is to look at the hipster trend that won’t die: lensless glasses. I give this look six Sally Jesse Raphaels:
#9: New York Knick’s Baron Davis at a post game conference:
I’m sure some people grieved over Kim Jong Il’s death by pouring out a 40 oz. Baron, on the other hand, opted to buy a general’s jacket from Hot Topic. B, you look like you’re trying to shoot Janet Jackson’s expensive Rhythm Nation video on a Jermaine Jackson’s budget.
#8: Boston Celtics’ Rajon Rondo following Game 5 loss to the Atlanta Hawks:
“Man, you know what the people are asking for? For me to dress of like an extra from the ’90s Eddie Murphy movie Boomerang.” Naw, Rajon, no one has ever asked for that.
#7: New York Knicks’ Iman Shumpert tweeting a picture of his hideous outfit:
Apparently, being knocked out of the playoffs doesn’t get in the way of sharing with the world, via JPEG, the ugly shit you wear. Thanks for being so thoughtful, Iman. To me, this picture kind of reminds me of that old saying, “One man’s American flag shirt with a buckle collar, two gold watches, the white girl self portrait taken in a bathroom signature facial expression: the duck lip pout, and ashy knuckles is another man’s The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.”
#6: OKC’s Russell Westbrook arriving to a game:
I’m going to be honest, I don’t know what’s worse: Westbrook’s outfit or the fact that the first thing I zeroed in on with this picture is that his friend is carrying a bag of Ruffles potato chips. I mean, I deduced that solely based on the back of the bag and that you can see a little blue from the front of the bag and also a little of the red lettering. I think I eat Ruffles too much. Anyway, Westbrook is making his second appearance on the list because he is wearing seven – count it – seven colors in his ensemble. I mean, his glasses have twice as many colors as it does lens. That’s just really ignorant. And you know what’s even more ignorant? That I hope his friend is carry Sour Cream & Cheddar Ruffles because those are my favorite.
#5: Miami Heat’s Dwyane Wade doing his best Dwayne Wayne from A Different World impression during a post game conference:
The only way you can wear ridonkulous glasses like these is if you make the goofy face actor Kadeem Hardison is making in his photo. D. Wade doesn’t look goofy. In fact, he has the same facial expression that I had when ABC & Cablevision had a fight and ABC dropped their network from Cablevision, so I had to go three days without Oprah until it was resolved. Cut to the third day, when I looked like Oprah circa The Color Purple. Translation, I looked tore up from the floor up.
#4: Los Angeles Clippers’ Nick Young during a playoff post game conference:
Tacky ass shirt, when I see you, I’m have the exact same sentiment that’s expressed in this clip:
#3: Chicago Bulls’ Joakim Noah at a post game conference, not giving a fuck. Probably because the Bulls lost, but still:
There are only two times in life when I sing Bone, Thugs-N-Harmony’s Tha Crossroads: 1) When my creepy ass landlord comes to my apartment to fix the grout on the bathroom tile and he whips out the spackle knife & 2) Joakim Noah, looking like a high lost member of Bone Thugs during a post game interview. In both situations, I make a cross over my chest and go, “Bone, Bone, Bone, Bone, Bone, Bone, Bone, Bone, see ya at tha crossroads. And I’m gonna miss everybody, and I’m gonna miss everybody…”
#2: New York Knicks’ Baron Davis in a hallway, probably before a game:
I know this outfit is from 2007 (and he wasn’t with the Knicks at the time), so it shouldn’t be on the list, but I mean, look at this fool. Like, motherfucker, are you adorning your hat with three bullets like you’re Nat Turner tough and rocking a silk scarf like you’re a member of R&B group The Isley Brothers, whose specialty, as of late, is making “panties coming off music?” Either you’re dressed to seek vengeance and cap someone’s ass or you’re dressed like you’re on your way take your lady out to a lobster dinner. Make up your damn mind before you step out your house.
#1: Baron Davis & Co. during a press conference discussing the intense labor negotiations:
This outfit isn’t the most atrocious on this list; however, in the context of the occasion that he chose to wear it to, it’s the most ignorant. The whole reason there are labor discussions is because there was a lockout at the beginning of the season, hence the players couldn’t play or get paid. Could you imagine trying to negotiate with higher ups, so you and your friends can go back to work and one of your friends showed up like he’s trying out for Garden State: The Musical in the role of “Black Guy Who Like the Shins? AND then have the unmitigated gall to stand in the front, while e’erybody else, who is appropriately dressed in their Brooks Brothers suits, is chilling in the back. Baron, you do realize you’re talking to a bunch of White people so you can start working again, right? So, unless you’re dressed like you’re about to march with Martin Luther King, Jr., you done fucked up.
#TeamBlaria, I hope you enjoyed the countdown and I can’t wait to do it again next year!