This is how I remember being single: some days were awful like when your roommates used up all the hot water, so that when you’re mid-shower, the water turned ice cold:
While other days were amazing like during rush hour when a MTA subway conductor saw you running towards the closing doors, so he opened them for you and right before you step inside, you let him know how grateful you were:
There was a time when being single was not an excuse for national attention from desperate bitches. It was an excuse to be gross as fuck! “Cheetos for dinner! Nobody’s here to judge me!” Anyway, it used to be fine to just be single. It was just one aspect of your life. But now we live in a world where it’s not enough to be single. There’s the overly-long explanations as to why you are sans partner like Helvetica font is sans-serif (that was for all my typography Blaria readers). Renaming singledom: “I’m not single. Just haven’t found the one yet.” “‘Kay, so you’re single then.” “No, I just haven’t found the one yet.” “Sorry, I’m just your gynecologist. I need you to check the ‘single’ box if you’re not in a relationship.” And now we have lonely women like thirty-six year old North Dakota yoga teacher Nadine Schweigert married herself.
Favorite part of the video? 0:44 when we see that the officiant’s face is blurred out in the picture of her self-wedding ceremony. He’s like, “I don’t want evidence of me being part of this fuckery.”
Seriously, this is utter foolishness. Self-marriage? Why have we turned into the society that must dress up everything up in order to better accept it? Bitch, you are not self-married; you are single. Namely, because you do dumb shit like this. This isn’t self-love. This self-sabotage because you want attention. And your shady ass friend Jenny? She doesn’t like you. Because friends don’t let you effectively ctrl + alt + del your love life. Sure, girlfriends may steer you wrong with bad advice for minor things like dealing with a shitty co-worker or what’s the perfect haircut for you. Hell, they’ll say the sweetest things to you when you’re going through a rough patch in your dating life by saying, “If I had a penis and were a guy, I’d totally date you.” Aww. The point is, Nadine, girlfriends will do all that shit before they let you star in the musical Cats, which is not the Broadway musical about singing cats who meet at the Jellicle Ball, where they rejoice with their leader and find out which cat is going to Heaviside Layer to be reborn. No, I’m talking about the other musical Cats where you’ll live in apartment alone with a bunch of cats that take dumps in their kitty litter while SMH’ing (shaking my head) at you and meowing Memory because cockblocked yourself on national television forty years ago.
Look, I’m glad you lost the weight, cut back on the drinking and smoking and you love yourself now. Those are things to be proud of. However, you’re still trying to define yourself and get attention amending a concept of marriage, for two people, to fit you, who has essentially, just learned to live with yourself. Sorry, you don’t get a gold star for existing. Not everyone and everything gets celebrated simply for being. If you were truly happy with yourself, you wouldn’t feel the need to have a ceremony that is basically, “Look at me, guys! I exist. I got my shit together.” You’d just be living your gotten together life. But clearly, that isn’t enough for you. It’s the undertone of “I want the world to know that I have it together and I should be celebrated for it just like a couple who found each other and have worked to make their relationship work. What about me?”
Nadine, let people who get married have the party, have the pomp and circumstance because they’re going to have to live with each other for the rest of their lives. Can’t they have one day to party before they set off on what will hopefully be a 30+, 40+ year journey that is going to be riddled with ups and downs? Girl, you are not deserving of nor entitled to that kind of celebration simply because you like yourself now. That is simply not the same as liking and loving someone else and making that relationship work. It’s just not the same and that’s okay. People aren’t all entitled to the exact same things/attention in life.
Just be clear: this message is coming from someone who doesn’t like weddings. I’ve never dreamt of the ceremony. I don’t have the perfect diamond ring in mind that I want my future fiancé to pick out. I’m not a wedding girl, so I’m not writing this as a way to defend the sacredness of a ceremony. I couldn’t care less about weddings, to be honest. But it’s clear that you want to be married but you haven’t found the right guy for you, so you’re like I’ll still get my wedding, by marrying my self. Which brings me to my final reason why this shit annoys the hell out of me…
Because you are embarrassing WOMEN with this garbage. Doing ignorant shit like this does not nothing but reinforce the narrative that all women are marriage and wedding obsessed crazy people. Not all women are desperate to chase that the traditional ideal laid out for them. Some women have other concerns than finding ways to get attention via their relationship status. If Susan B. Anthony, Sacajawea, and any other women who are on money were alive to witness what you’re doing, they would do this:
And knock some cents into you. Get it? ‘Cause we were talking about money and cents sounds like the word “sense.” Ugh, I know; I’m the worst. Anyway, Nadine, even though you say you love yourself, the way you chose to express it is through this silly manner. Loving yourself is doing yoga to stay healthy or cutting back on drinking because you see it’s getting out of control. Loving yourself is not by having a self-marriage ceremony. Loving yourself is not trying to get the world to pay attention to you. Finally, loving yourself is not having shitty friends like Jenny who don’t have the balls to tell you to sit your downward dog ass down and get a grip. Love yourself better. In private.
#TeamBlaria, next weekend, I’m going to a wedding out of town, so I’m going to post on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday.
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