Y’all, shit just got Lifetime movie real: accused NYC soccer mom madam Anna Gristina was released from Riker’s Island on bond last night after four months behind bars. Whoo! You just know her family was singing Joyful, Joyful (the Sister Act 2 version, obvs) at this good news. Wearing an ankle bracelet, Anna chucked up the deuces to a Manhattan courthouse and was greeted by her husband and her nine year-old son, who showed up with a bouquet of red roses for his mama. Damn, that’s some thoughtful Love Actually shit. His mom is allegedly selling tang and he gets her a dozen roses and I’ve never bought my mom flowers. Ever. And my mom spent years straightening my hair with a hot comb. Do you know how hard it is to straighten a little Black girl’s hair when she doesn’t want to sit still? It’s like 98.7% more difficult than selling vajayjays because vajayjays sell themselves. Sorry, mom! I should’ve at least gotten you Chrysanthemums for your birthday. Anyway, check out the footage of Anna Gristina’s release from jail:
Pause. This long-haired, ponytailed motherfucker is your lawyer, Anna?:
What in patchouli smelling and Bob Ross landscape painting hell were you thinking? You’ve “allegedly” been running a multi-million dollar brothel for years and this is dude you chose to represent you? He’s wearing a ridiculously long ass ponytail. Male lawyers don’t have ponytails. Yes, I’m being judgmental and shallow, but tell me I’m wrong. Dude looks like he paints women’s vulvas inside his cabin in the Catskills aka this dude looks TRIFLING.
Moving on, while it’s nice that Anna is has been reunited with her family, the real joy to be had is with all her clients. Their peens are probably doing a happy dance in hopes of business resuming again. I imagine the happy dance looks something like this:
In all seriousness, y’all, Blaria, a proud feminist, and above all, a proud humanist (that literally sounds like a line from someone’s shitty E-Harmony profile) is actually not anti-prostitution. I know, I know, how can a feminist be okay with prostitution? Easy. These are consenting adults who choose to exchange dollar bills for sex. It’s not how I would live my life, but that doesn’t mean that there other people shouldn’t be allowed to do live this way. In the case of Anna Gristina, the brothel was upscale and the women weren’t being abused, so what’s the problem here? Why was this a five year – FIVE YEAR – investigation? Why were all those man hours and all that taxpayer money being wasted to catch someone who’s providing men with a sexual service? Oh, that’s right. America’s laws and ideals are based on puritanical ones that the average person no longer really pays attention to. Sort of like my Brita water filter. Like when I first got it, I made sure to change the filter on the regular, but after a while, I stopped. That’s right, friends who’ve been to my apartment, unbeknownst to you uppity ass bitches, you’ve been drinking unfiltered tap water for six months and you couldn’t tell the difference. Sidenote: friends, you’re not bitches, but it’s funny to call you that for this blog post. Love you! Anyway, the point is holding onto why are we holding onto an old ideal of people are like in this country and not only vilifying people who don’t adhere to that ideal, but treating them like criminals? Yes, I get that Anna doesn’t have to be a madam, but the legal system also doesn’t have to make it a crime.
And if you’re reading this and getting all up in arms over my stand on prostitution, put those arms down because if you have ever watched a porn in your life (and let’s be real, no one just watches one), you can take the express train to shut the hell up, you hypocrite. You can’t be anti-prostitution and want it to be illegal if you sit home and watch other people have sex on your computer. You do realize porn stars are paid to have sex, right? So what’s the damn difference? With porn, you’re watching someone do it and with prostitution, you’re the one doing it. But it’s all the same, money had to be exchanged for anything to take place. And we all know that in this country, that money matters more than morals. Porn is a multi-billion dollar industry. According to Forbes magazine, the porn industry rakes in about $14 billion dollars annually. If the government can figure out to way structure prostitution into an industry that would benefit them the way porn has and get religious people to not flip the eff out (which fat chance of that happening), prostitution would be legal in a heartbeat.
But back to the original post of this post, prostitution isn’t a problem and should be illegal. The only problem that I have is when people try to act like that’s not what’s going on. For example, Anna’s husband Kelvin Goff (ah, now the lawyer choice makes sense; she married a man named Kelvin) went on Anderson to defend his wife:
Kelv, can I call you Kelv? Good. Of course, your wife was running a brothel. Why else would grown ass rich men need “discretion” just to go on dates with hot chicks? That’s exactly the opposite of what rich men do. If a rich guy is dating a hot Asian woman, he will let e’erybody know. When people date hot people, they let the world know. When I go to the bodega (for non-NYCers, it’s a teeny tiny corner store that has basics like toilet paper and hamburgers you heat up inside plastic wrapping, hence the toilet paper) to get a Snapple, I bring my boyfriend with me, so e’erybody up in that bodega (the male cashier, the tabby cat resting on a bag of Wonder bread, and the “security” aka an old ass dude, who wouldn’t be out of place in a Cormac McCarthy novel, sitting on a crate) knows who I’m dating. Now, if my boyfriend was busted looking, then I’d go out and get snacks and a new boyfriend all by myself. Kidding! But not really!
So Kelv, the whole people just want discretion when they’re dating is a weak excuse and doesn’t make sense. Just be honest that, yes, she was breaking a law, which is a stupid one, but a law nonetheless, but you didn’t care because it was paying the bills. But pretending like Anna’s services were akin to ChristianMingle.com is ludicrous. And I know you have to pretend because you don’t want her to go to prison because she’s a mother of four chillrens. However, you guys decided to break the law for years, you should have been prepared that jail would be a possible outcome. So if she goes to jail, you will have to deal with how that is going to affect your family, especially her younger children. That is what is truly sad about this: the chillrens. Kids aren’t kind in school, so this situation is ripe for her nine year old to get bullied. But that’s a topic for another day and another post. All I know is that it would be a shame is Anna Gristina goes to jail over running a brothel. Not only for her kids, but also because for prostitution shouldn’t be illegal, especially in a hypocritical society like ours.
*NOTE: #TeamBlaria, I’m going to South Salem, NY (yes, that is a real place) tomorrow and Friday for a wedding. Hopefully, there will be some of this:
And also some Black people. Anyway, since I will be out of town, I’ll have some down time from the festivities, so I’m planning on posting on Blaria tomorrow and Friday. Four posts in one week! Lucky you!