Happy Friday, #TeamBlaria! I’m on my way to a wedding in South Salem, NY (yes, that’s a real place), so I’m going to keep the message of today’s post short and sweet: Tyler Perry, your tomfoolery is the equivalent of a Native American rain dance, except that in this case, you’re not summoning rain; you’re summoning the spirit of every notable African-American to angry pop-lock Michael Jackson Thriller style over to your ass to knock some sense into you. Black people didn’t work this hard so you can create these horrible Madea movies. Okay, so that wasn’t short or sweet, but you’ll understand why I feel this way after watching the movie trailer for Madea’s Witness Protection.
In the groundbreaking film (and by “groundbreaking,” I mean using a shovel to break open the ground and dump this garbage of a movie in there and bury it forever) that comes out today, Madea hides a White family and hilarity ensues because White & Black people are so different! Like Black people say “Chicken WANG” and White chillrens throw pillows at adults because White people don’t raise their kids to respect elders. Thanks for being the worst, Tyler!:
In all seriousness, guys, instead of merely complaining about the awfulness of the Madea films, I thought I would suggest other things you can do this weekend instead of going to the movie theater to support Madea’s Witness Protection:
#1: If you’re a White person, make a Black friend for a day. If you’re a Black person, make a White friend for a day. It’ll be like those romantic only-have-one-night-together movies like Before Sunrise. Except this real life movie would be called White People Be Crazy Sometimes…And So Is Black People and instead of having sex, you guys will bond over your love of kale. And we all know that really good kale is like having sex (not at all). Nope, really good kale just makes your bathroom smell like a turtle pond once you’re done with it. #Gross.
#2: Take a moment to write a letter to Harriet Tubman (or any important Black person of your choosing) and repent for all the ig’nant shit you’ve done. My letter to H. Tubs includes me repenting for not only watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta, but also creating a season pass on my DVR, so I’d never miss an episode because how could I live without seeing this:
I mean, who can blame me for wanting to watch and rewatch the fine elegance that is NeNe Leakes saying the sounds of “Bloop, Bloop,” which is code for “Kiss my grits,” to a grown ass adult? Also, I will repent for saying, “You can suck my balls through my drawers” in my Jay-Z voice whenever someone annoys me. Neither my mom or H. Tubs would approve of that. Sidenote: if your letter is to George Washington Carver and all you write is, “Thanks for the peanut butter,” I will slap the shit out of you with a jar of Jif peanut butter. Choosy moms may choose Jif, but lazy ass people will get knocked upside the head with it.
#3: If you are an older Black woman, you can go to McDonald’s and reenact this:
Just kidding! This commercial is a piece of shit. As I stated on Facebook regarding this ad, Black people need to stop doing commercials that involve that “I marched with Dr. King” voice and the concept that blueberries in oatmeal is “fancy.” It’s freakin’ blueberries. The Civil Rights Movement knew about fruit. So older Black lady, if you are reading this and still decide to do do this foolishness, kill yo self.
#4: If you are a younger Black woman who is going to the beach, carry a sign with that says, “Public Service Announcement: I can’t go into the water because I will end up looking like this:
#5: Watch Redtails, Something New, Pariah, Barbershop, or Do the Right Thing (it’s hot as hell today in NYC, so that might be the perfect choice) or any other movies starring Black people that isn’t a coon fest. These movies are well made, can be funny, thought-provoking and moving and deal with Black people and race in an interesting way instead of relying on the most basic and well-worn, not to mention tired, stereotypes of who people are. Don’t waste your thirteen bucks on another terrible Madea movie. You and your debit account deserve better treatment than that.
Enjoy your Tyler Perry-free weekend!!