Archive | July, 2012

NBC, WTF? – London Olympics Edition

30 Jul

Holla, #TeamBlaria! I’m baaaaaaack! Hope y’all had a great weekend and watched tons of the Olympic coverage. I LOVE the Olympics. More than love, I lurve the Olympics. I conveniently get emotionally invested in every sport that I haven’t cared about during the last four years leading up the Olympics because someone from America is competing. Well, not every sport. This shit is ignorant:

Race walking. Really? 1) If the average person can’t tell the difference between an athlete in the middle of a competition or a hungry mofo moving throughout a grocery store, then it’s shouldn’t be an Olympic sport. Both the dudes in this clip look like they are racing to the seafood department of Costco’s to get the last smoked salmon crostini sample. 2) If your athletic competition does not come on TV until 3am because no one gives a fuck to televise/watch it during normal hours of the day, it is not an Olympic sport. You know what else comes on at 3am? My dreams. While I’m sleeping. Get the hell outta here, race walking.

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Chick-fil-a, You a Dumb Bitch

25 Jul

Yes, I know this title is mad ignorant, but #TeamBlaria, you should be proud of me because I was literally going to type “youse” instead of “you,” so I could sound like some Italian goombah, but I thought that might be too much. Anyway, as we’re all aware, ever since Chick-fil-a’s president Dan Cathy proudly declared that he’s anti-gay marriage earlier this month, the company has been enduring somewhat of a PR nightmare. First, it was revealed on the Huffington Post website that despite Cathy’s proclamations that his only real concern is maintaining the ideal of the traditional family, Chick-fil-a actually donated nearly $5 million dollars to anti-gay groups and hate groups. Eventually, Cathy owned up to these donations. Then, The Jim Henson Company did the equivalent of a weave snatch during a street fight and announced publicly that they wished to sever their relationship with Chick-fil-a because of their views to which Chick-fil-a responded with this (click on the image to enlarge it and read the text):

Ummmmmmm….

Just like Prince William, we’re all giving Chick-fil-a the royal side eye and smirk combo for that mess of an excuse for recalling Muppet toys. Chick-fil-a issuing the recall after Muppets already told them to go to the left, to the left is like when someone gets dumped and then is like, “Yeah, I was gonna break up with you anyway because you leave dirty drawers all over the apartment.” Bitch, please, quit trying to save face. We all know you didn’t really care about the dirty Fruit of the Looms because you just GChated your friends three days ago about how he’s the one, so go turn on Fleetwood Mac’s Landslide, sit by your windowsill like this is West Side Story, and be sad.

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Minka Kelly Sex Tape

23 Jul

TMZ reported (Note that I’m using the word “reported” loosely with TMZ. Their website basically has the feeling of “Psst! Listen to what Pookie and ‘em had told me”) that Minka Kelly, Friday Night Lights actress and on-again/off-again girlfriend to Derek Jeter, has a sex tape:

Wait, fellas, you didn’t let me finish! Apparently, Minka was underage when she taped that mess:

Yeah, that’s right. You better do like Jack Black in the above .GIF and kick your boner off the bridge before Chris Hanson comes knocking on your door and tells your ass to sit down so you two can talk.

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Justice for Fred Willard & His Peen!

20 Jul

Happy Friday, #TeamBlaria! Serious question for the Black readers of this blog: Any of y’all wanna come over to my apartment this weekend and help me unbraid my cornrows? Sorry, White people, including my boyfriend, I don’t trust you with my hair after seeing this debacle four years ago:

Is that a natural hairstyle or plain confusion? You tell me, Brad.

Which is not to say there isn’t a place for Zahara’s ‘do. There is:

However, I’m just going to Trader Joe’s, not being torn apart from my sister, so I’d like to look like my hair has said “‘Sup?” to a comb before, nah mean? ANYWAY, my hair situation ain’t no concern of yours! Let’s get down to what really matters: Fred Willard, comedian and actor of such hilarious movies as Best in Show and A Mighty Wind, got arrested for taking his peen to the palm prom (aka jerking off) while at an adult movie theater and then was fired from his hosting gig on PBS’ Market Warriors. This is ludicrous!

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“Gasp! She’s Having a Baby! Oh, No, Lawd What We Gon Do?!” – People Who Have Turds For Brains

18 Jul

Y’all, hide yo kids, hide yo husbands’ peens, and, company shareholders, hide yo money cuz e’erybody is getting pregnant up in here aka the new Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer had the nerve to turn herself into the human equivalent of an Easy Bake oven and is currently cooking up a six month old baby in her body. And simply put, people are losing. their. damn. minds:

What is this? A baby. Mayer is going to be a mother. A mother. You know, like the one you buffoons had growing up. Everyone’s all for women being mothers except when it comes to the workplace. That’s where the real backwards and sexist thoughts start to come to a head. “Can she balance work and motherhood?” “She’s not her usual chipper self. Probably because she’s a mom now.” Thoughts that don’t really happen when men become fathers. Hmm. To be clear, this is not another essay about whether or not women can have it all. I don’t know if women can have it all. I don’t know if humans can have it all. What I’m more concerned about is that when women in the workplace announce their pregnancies and impending maternity leave, they’re greeted with an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen that has the words “Congratulations” on it when we know that some executives wish they could’ve had this message written on the cake:

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Ms. Blaria Goes to Radio (Canadian Radio, That Is)

17 Jul

Holla! Lil Blaria is growing up and got her first bimple (that’s butt pimple for the uninitiated). Kidding!!! The real reason I’m writing is that I participated in my first radio interview since the inception of this blog a mere three and a half months ago. Lil Blaria is growing up, indeed.

A little backstory: members of CBC Radio read my blog post regarding Daniel Tosh, which was republished on Huffington Post, and they asked me to be a part of the panel discussion about boundaries in the world of stand up comedy. It was a great experience and it was really nice to get my sea legs in the realm of radio. Also on the panel were Megan Carpenter, sexual assault survivor and Executive Editor of RawStory.com and London-based comedian and activist Jonathan May-Bowles. Anyhoo, click after the jump to listen to the discussion (it’s only about 20 minutes) and then check out the latest details re: my Carolines show next month…

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So This Is Totally About Race, Right?

16 Jul

Afternoon, Blarians!! Hope y’all had a great week last week. I know someone who certainly didn’t. No, not me. Zikomo Peurifoy in Casselberry, Florida forgot he was Black for a hot second and mouthed off to White police officers because that’s never a situation that ends poorly, right? But you what, I don’t blame Peurifoy for getting crunked up at the po-po because he was probably thinking, “I’m living in the Obama era,” and had seen that Jennifer Hudson’s Weight Watchers commercial where she’s singing the Feeling Good song, so he was like, “Yeah, it is a new dawn, a new day, a new life for me,” left his house out, and bought those dumb ass toe shoes like the kind worn by this White brah in this pic:

Point is, Peurifoy was in a good mood, so it’s only natch (aka natural) that he didn’t think his day was going to end with several police officers tasering the mess out his ass:

To help prevent this foolishness from happening again, I’m giving y’all eight easy rules on how to avoid confronting the police while being Black. And if you are White, congrats!  You don’t have to worry about this, but you probably have some a black friends, so it would be awesome to pass my blog post to him/her. Sharing is caring! Without further ado, here are my eight rules:

1) Don’t be Black.

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The Week Is Almost Over & I Still Have Things I Need to Blog About!

13 Jul

It has been quite a week, y’all: Daniel Tosh’s rape joke controversy, Target refusing to sell Frank Ocean’s CD after he came out of the closet, and an old gypsy woman Steven Tyler quitting American Idol to return to his band, full-time, Aerosmith. Whew, that’s a lot of pop cultch (aka culture) and I only scratched the surface. So without further ado, here are the top three stories that are getting the Blaria SparkNotes (don’t act like I was the only one who used this to get though high school) treatment:

1) Mitt Romney got booed the hell out when he gave a speech earlier this week at NAACP’s National Convention. Now, when I first heard this I was like:

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Newsflash: Any Joke Can Be Funny

11 Jul

So I yelled out, “Actually, rape jokes are never funny!” ~ quote from an anonymous woman who heckled Daniel Tosh during his set for talking about rape jokes and then lived to blog about it.

Sorry, Jane Doe. Comedy is subjective and any joke can be funny. Note the word “can.” Any joke can be funny, but not any joke is funny. Any joke has the potential to be hilarious to you, but more importantly, the joke has the potential to not to be funny to you, but to SOMEONE ELSE. I think that people often forget that fact when watching comedy. Just because it is or isn’t amusing to you, doesn’t mean everyone feels the same way.

What lead up to the exchange between comedian Daniel Tosh and a female audience member at the Laugh Factory is another example of comedy being subjective. Of course, following the exchange, she blogged about it (a girl after my heart), and as things on the internet are wont to do, the blog post picked up steam and went viral. If you haven’t read her post, you can click here. Basically, Tosh was talking about how he thinks rape jokes are funny and Jane Doe didn’t agree with him, so she heckled him with the aforementioned quote. To which he responded with the following: “Wouldn’t it be funny if that girl got raped by like, 5 guys right now? Like right now?” Then Jane Doe and her friends left the show. Yeah, that situation turned awkward.org/donations real quick. When I heard about it, I was immediately reminded of Dave Chappelle’s bit about Michael Richards (aka Kramer) and his n-word tirade at an audience member who heckled him during a stand up show:

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Frank Ocean Flipped The Script On Hip Hop

9 Jul

Hol to the ler, #TeamBlaria! I’m back in town after a nice vacay with my boo and I have a multiple question for ya. What did my bf and I do while in Puerto Rico?: A) hiked in El Yunque, which is the only tropical rain forest in the U.S. National Forest System, B) frolicked on the beach and got minor sunburns, C) while Ginuwine’s Pony played in the background, I said to him:

or D) all of the above. If you guessed “C” then you, my friends, are wrong. Eddie Murphy’s Whatzupwitu was playing in the background. Kidding! “C” didn’t happen. You guys are gross.

Moving on. A lot happened during my hiatus last week. The BET Awards, Chris Rock pissed off a bunch of people with his racial 4th of July tweet and Malia Obama turned fourteen years old. Holy shit. Seemed like yesterday that she had Rudy Huxtable pigtails and now she’s probably begrudgingly sending President Obama (or more likely, someone in his camp) to the store to get her tampons like Lucy sent her dad Rev. Eric Camden on that episode of 7th Heaven…You know that awkward moment when you accidentally out yourself for watching 7th Heaven? Anyway, that awk moment doesn’t have anything on the most amazing thing that happened last week, which was rapper Frank Ocean intentionally outing himself in a letter entitled “Thank Yous” that he posted on his Tumblr.

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