It has been quite a week, y’all: Daniel Tosh’s rape joke controversy, Target refusing to sell Frank Ocean’s CD after he came out of the closet, and an old gypsy woman Steven Tyler quitting American Idol to return to his band, full-time, Aerosmith. Whew, that’s a lot of pop cultch (aka culture) and I only scratched the surface. So without further ado, here are the top three stories that are getting the Blaria SparkNotes (don’t act like I was the only one who used this to get though high school) treatment:
1) Mitt Romney got booed the hell out when he gave a speech earlier this week at NAACP’s National Convention. Now, when I first heard this I was like:
And then I was like, “Wait a minute, he went there specifically to get booed.” That’s right, Romney played that crowd and the media like a Nintendo video game: up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, start. He and his speechwriters chose each and every word carefully to illicit a certain reaction from the audience and he got exactly what he wanted. Dude ain’t stupid:
Look at that sly ass grin on his face while he’s getting booed. That’s the same kind of grin people have when they manage to clear the search history on their computer in time before letting their friend borrow it (isn’t that just the scariest moment of your life when someone’s like, “Hey, can I use your laptop? I need to check my email.” Immediately, the memory of every single trifling thing you ever looked up pimp smacks your brain).* Romney knew saying that term was going that audience riled up. It’s so obvious. I mean, a Republican saying “Obamacare” to a room full of Black people and getting booed is like someone going into to Forever 21 and being like, “Lindsay?” Every bitch in that bitch (the title of my first book) is going to turn around. Sorry, NAACP and the media, y’all got played because by him saying Obamacare to get that reaction, he just managed to make himself look more like a conservative to whatever voters, especially Republican ones, who have been doubting him and his flip-flopping ways.
2) Some internet haters are sipping on 64 0z. Haterade (Mayor Bloomberg wouldn’t approve. 16 0z or less, people!) because they’re blogging about how Kate Upton (or as I call her Tits McBoobs Titsley)
I mean, really? She’s hot, y’all. I’m straight, but if her cleavage was a vacation getaway on Priceline.com, I’d outbid every motherfucker on that website to purchase that trip. #RealTalk
is fat after some less than flattering shows of her walking at a runway fashion show appeared. The blog that launched this lame ass attack is SkinnyGossip.com. Barf. Sidenote: if there was a Black version of a gossip website it would be called WhatHadHappenedWas.com. Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week, opening for Don Rickles. Sorry, I can resist making silly jokes like that. Anyway, basically, Kate, who started modeling at the age of fifteen, has put on some weight since her teen years, thus no longer making her a size zero or two, so author of this blog calls her “Miss Piggy” and states that she probably gives “bad blow jobs.” Oooooooooookay, take a deep breath. Her blow job skills are probably fine. You’re welks (aka welcome), Kate. And shocker, someone who is not fifteen anymore no longer has the weight/body of a fifteen year old. How disgusting!
You know, as much as some women complain that society and the media reinforces low self-esteem for women, I gotta say some women are all but too willing to help society mind fuck ladies. What is this shit with the fashion industry and this whole, if you look you’re about to die, you can walk runways and you’re a beauty inspiration to the world, but if you have tits and ass, you’re gutter trash and sexually desirable, which for some reason is a pejorative with SkinnyGossip? Now, what I’m writing is not a knock against naturally slim women. Like I’ve written about before, I used to be 100 lbs when I was a teen. I’m now thirty-five pounds heavier and I would have to eat maybe one meal a day and exercise for 2 hrs a day, to get back to that size. Guess what, I don’t want to be that size. I like having more meat on my bones. I like that my badonk is a lot more badonky than it was when I was younger. And guess what, Kate probably likes that she’s bigger as well. But whether you are naturally still slim or somewhat bigger than slim, I’m not addressing you. I’m talking about people who work overtime to lose weight and starve themselves to be unnecessarily small. Having curves (slight ones, in my case) doesn’t make Upton, or any other women, “vulgar” or “pornographic.” I mean, since when has being good looking and attractive to others been considered a bad thing? Besides that ludicrous logic, the fact that Upton’s body has changed is utterly unforgivable to SkinnyGossip. Newsflash: Bodies change as we get older. Sometimes your gain and sometimes you lose weight as you age. It’s a part of life. However, what shouldn’t be a part of life is looking emaciated. Furthermore, going around and acting as though if you’re not underweight or starving yourself, then you’re not doing your duty as a woman to look good is highly ignorant. So knock it the hell off. Because, at the end of the day, has Upton put on weight? Yes. Is she probably less toned than she was before she gained the weight? Yes. Should anyone be giving a fuck? No. Because she looks damned good. End of fucking story.
3) HBO’s The Newsroom is one tall glass of disappointment juice. When I heard about Aaron Sorkin’s return to television, I was pretty stoked, brah. I loved The West Wing and while I wasn’t expecting The Newsroom to be TWW, I figured writing about serious stuff like the news is pretty much in his wheelhouse. But after three weeks, I have to admit, I’m basically hate-watching it. Sorks, in the infamous words of Laguna Beach‘s & The Hills‘ star Kristin Cavallari, “We’re done-zo.” I gave the show a fair shake. How could I not based off the trailer for it:
Even if I weren’t a big Sorkin fan, I’d be into the show. It has a great cast: Jeff Daniels, Emily Mortimer, Sam Waterston, and Jane Fonda and the premise is a good one, albeit it one we’ve seen in the movie Network. However, the actors are wasted in plot contrivances like the following: Mortimer’s character, MacKenzie, is the executive producer of the fictional NewsNight, has covered several wars, and is one of the top professionals in her field, yet she can’t manage to figure out how to use e-mail and sends a company-wide email detailing how her and Jeff Daniel’s Will McAvoy broke up because she cheated on him. Cue me rolling my eyes. Besides the plot contrivances, Sorkin, you’ve been outed for basically regurgitating dialogue from your previous shows TWW & SportsNight. WTF?! Really, you’re just going to lift writing from your superior shows and tweak them a little and plant them in this one? That’s weak sauce, dude. I expect better from you because I know how great you can be. And I know how great other shows are, which is why starting this Sunday, I’m going back to the King:
Well, the King of Sunday nights, at least. Sorry, Sorkin, my boyfriend’s back (hey-la, hey-la, my boyfriend’s back), so I’mma go hang out with Walter White & Co. Don’t worry, I’ll still DVR you every week and hate-watch/hope your have that one episode that turns everything around and makes The Newsroom amazing. After all, your show was picked up for season two, so you have time.
Whew, #TeamBlaria. I think we did it. We got through this week. Can’t wait to see what next week will bring us. So until then, do me a huge favor and come to my show at Carolines. As I announced on Wednesday, I’m going to be there headlining on August 19th at 10pm, so click here to purchase tickets. Let’s pack the place out!
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*I may have used this analogy before, but I had a R-rated analogy in mind and I decided not to use it. You’re welks, brother. I use “brother” as in I’m saying that to my actual brother not as in the way Hulk Hogan calls everyone “brother” when he talks.
I don’t feel that sorry for the grief given to Kate Upton on her behalf, as she’s the one who wants to play the body game, although I think it’s damaging to others when she’s called fat for no longer being 15. And I am sorry to hear that The Newsroom is no good because it seemed like a good concept! Maybe it needs to go low brow and start doing news about Kate Upton’s boobs.