Afternoon, Blarians!! Hope y’all had a great week last week. I know someone who certainly didn’t. No, not me. Zikomo Peurifoy in Casselberry, Florida forgot he was Black for a hot second and mouthed off to White police officers because that’s never a situation that ends poorly, right? But you what, I don’t blame Peurifoy for getting crunked up at the po-po because he was probably thinking, “I’m living in the Obama era,” and had seen that Jennifer Hudson’s Weight Watchers commercial where she’s singing the Feeling Good song, so he was like, “Yeah, it is a new dawn, a new day, a new life for me,” left his house out, and bought those dumb ass toe shoes like the kind worn by this White brah in this pic:
Point is, Peurifoy was in a good mood, so it’s only natch (aka natural) that he didn’t think his day was going to end with several police officers tasering the mess out his ass:
To help prevent this foolishness from happening again, I’m giving y’all eight easy rules on how to avoid confronting the police while being Black. And if you are White, congrats! You don’t have to worry about this, but you probably have some a black friends, so it would be awesome to pass my blog post to him/her. Sharing is caring! Without further ado, here are my eight rules:
1) Don’t be Black.
HAHA. LOL. J/K! BRB. I know you can’t control that. So don’t be Black AND go against White people in positions of power in situations like this. You’re not Martin Luther King Jr. getting ready to march for the rights of African-Americans everywhere. Hell, this isn’t even that movie Pride about the all-Black swim team who have to fight White folk for their right to swim at a YMCA-esque gym. You jaywalked while wearing toe shoes and a black version of the sun hat that Meryl Streep wore in Out of Africa:
So CALM. THE FUCK. DOWN. Because you acting a fool in this ridiculous, albeit annoying, situation, is not going get me all worked up like the students in Lean on Me with their “Free Mr. Clark” chant. Mr. Peurifoy, there will be no slow clap for you when you get released from custody. There will be no Al Sharpton on Anderson Cooper defending your honor. It’s 2012. Getting mishandled by the cops just results in a couple of “I’m sorry” Gchats from friends and maybe a tweet about the incident from a notable Black person. If you want one of the biggies like Al Sharpton or Jesse Jeackson to pay attention, you need to be murdered#SadButTrue. Otherwise, you were just on the receiving end of an ass whooping.
2) Don’t forget you’re not White. I know. Black people are reminded on a daily basis that they aren’t White; however, sometimes we’re having a good day and forget how the world can operates and things that we can do this. Please note that in that clip, this guy got his Matlock on and even though he was being a little flippant, he knew his facts, so the cops couldn’t pull anything. But fear not, y’all! You don’t have to be a White law student to defend your rights. All you have to do is remember this phrase: “Am I being detained or am I free to go?” Sure, this won’t make you and the cop friends, but it may make the cop in question a little hesitant to violate your rights if you display even this small knowledge of the law. Unfortunately, Peurifoy didn’t ask this question before the confrontation escalated. Only saying “That’s not a statute, sir. It’s illegal.” Saying that is like whenever I’m on the phone with IT at work and my response to their questions is, “I refreshed my cookies,” and that’s it. Peurifoy and I were just throwing out random words we’ve heard used in situations that might apply to our current one. In short, the officer knew Peurifoy didn’t know his shit and so the officer knew he could continue to be forceful and act a fool as well.
3) Don’t be with a loud bitch. Clearly, she was trying to have Peurifoy’s back. Be his hype man of sorts like a Don King. Unfortunately, the only thing the woman filming this incident and Don King have in common is that they probably both look like Frederick Douglass when their hair gets wet. In general, when two men are beefing, women should shut the hell up because they only make it worse by squawking because since men can’t hit the ladies, they will only want to come at the the other man involved in the altercation that much harder. And then you end up with a bag of peas on your face because she couldn’t stop saying, “Get your supervisor!” Bottom line: loud Black men like Don King will help you win fights and get paid. Loud Black women like this chick will encourage you to act a damn fool, so you get your ass tased.
4) If you’ve seen one episode of Cops , you know that you shouldn’t run, which will then have to make the police officers chase after you. Cops don’t want to have to run, especially the cop in the video who looks like the grown ass version of the youngest son on Malcolm in the Middle. Isn’t this cop’s life tough enough because he resembles him:
Tell me the cop doesn’t look like the adult version of Erik Per Sullivan and that you don’t have the “Malcolm in the Middle” theme song “(You’re Not The) Boss of Me” stuck in your head.
5) Don’t use the Maury Povich method and yell the same thing over and over again in someone else’s face, especially a cop. I know this is a method often done by high schoolers who are prolonging actually going to fisticuffs as long as they can, but when you’re a grown ass adult this behavior is, shockingly, really annoying (unless it’s over a dub step beat and then you’ll probably have a hit song on your hands). However, if you’re obnoxiously repeating a phrase, sans a hot musical beat, in the parking lot of a check cashing place (Amscot, a checking cashing place, is where this situation took place) to two cops with tasers, handcuffs, and Edward Norton in American History X haircut, your might be playing with fire.
6) If an officer says, “You’re about to get tased,” they totes probably mean it, so maybe instead of saying no and motioning like you’re about to get on your Huffy bike and bounce, you might wanna say/do:
And show that motherfucking ID that he’s been asking for. Sure, you don’t have to take off your pants to show your ID, but disrobing a lil bit can’t hurt in communicating, “Let’s be friends and please don’t fry my gonads like you would a plate full of calamari.”
7) Go the fuck down to the ground after one tase. Don’t get your Arnold Schwarzenegger circa Total Recall on:
yell out a guttural cry, stumble around some more only to get tased two more times. That is fucking ignorant/hilarious.
8) Internally understand that this situation might be a little bit about race, tape the incident, listen to a Mary J. Blige song, and move on with your life. I understand that a police officer trying to ID you for jaywalking is lame because everyone does it, but it is against the law AND enough of an infraction to warrant a cops asking for an ID. Furthermore, Peurifoy, you live in Florida, which has the Stop and Identify Statute and one of seven states where not identifying yourself to a police officer can be considered a criminal action called noncompliance. It doesn’t excuse the brute force used by the police officers, but prior to the tasing, the cops have a case.
Sidenote: Hold the hell up, did this cop at 8:21 say that Peurifoy threw something at him? Oh, lawd, he definitely didn’t throw anything, but the officer needs a good reason/excuse for using the taser gun on Peurifoy, right? Why lie unless you have something to hide? UGHHHHHHHHHHARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGH. That was my Arnold Schwarzenegger yell. Well, luckily for Peurifoy, the incident was taped, so he has that going for him. And this tape is reportedly being used by Cassleberry Police for training purposes. Little do they know that this tape is also being used for training purposes for Black people: how not get up by police while being Black.
Hope y’all will find these tips useful! Now get out there and have some fun by shutting the hell up when the police are talking to you!
Finally, friends, don’t forget (namely because I won’t let you) that I’m headlining Carolines on Sunday, August 19th, so def get your tickets here: http://www.carolines.com/comedian/phoebe-robinson/. Hope to see y’all thurr!
