Happy Friday, #TeamBlaria! Serious question for the Black readers of this blog: Any of y’all wanna come over to my apartment this weekend and help me unbraid my cornrows? Sorry, White people, including my boyfriend, I don’t trust you with my hair after seeing this debacle four years ago:
Which is not to say there isn’t a place for Zahara’s ‘do. There is:
However, I’m just going to Trader Joe’s, not being torn apart from my sister, so I’d like to look like my hair has said “‘Sup?” to a comb before, nah mean? ANYWAY, my hair situation ain’t no concern of yours! Let’s get down to what really matters: Fred Willard, comedian and actor of such hilarious movies as Best in Show and A Mighty Wind, got arrested for taking his peen to the palm prom (aka jerking off) while at an adult movie theater and then was fired from his hosting gig on PBS’ Market Warriors. This is ludicrous!
Listen: MASTURBATION IS GOOD FOR EVERYBODY! WHEN PEOPLE DON’T MASTURBATE SHIT GETS RUINED LIKE COUNTRIES, MY BURRITO AT CHIPOTLE, AND MALE HAPPINESS. LET MEN BE HAPPY SO WHEN THEY MAKE MY MOTHERFUCKING BURRITO AT CHIPOTLE THEY DON’T FORGET TO PUT SOME GUACAMOLE UP IN THAT BITCH. THE END.
Oh, were you expecting more on the matter? What else is there to write? I mean, yeah, Willard pleasured himself in public, but it was at a porno theater. Did he crash your cousin’s quinceañera and jerk it to Gloria Estefan’s Rhythm’s Gonna Get You while you were eating a slice of tres leches (three milk) cake? No, then shut the hell up. He was at an adult movie theater for goodness sake. What else are you supposed to do there? Pull out a Kindle and start reading Of Mice and Men? Crochet a scarf for your sister as gift even though you know she’s never going to wear that mess because it’s ugly? This is nonsense. We’re all pretending like no one masturbates when e’erybody does it and the world is better and less angry and violent place than it would be if no one pleasured themselves. Masturbation isn’t shameful nor a crime. It’s beneficial for every country’s national security. You know my motto (that I just made up): If you don’t jerk it (your dick), you’re gonna perp it (a crime). Look, I tried. The point is let’s not fire someone over this.
I mean, look at this man:
He’s wearing a salmon shirt and rocking that Just for Men sandy brown hair color even though he’s 72 years old for goodness sake. He’s a nice dude. A nice dude who needs to step up his WiFi game (seriously, Fred, get a laptop, so you can pleasure yourself at home). Sidenote: my barometer for what makes a nice dude should probably be adjusted. The point is that he shouldn’t lose his job over this. PBS needs to stop being so prudish because let’s be real: the main demographic (and some of the cast members) that watches Market Warriors definitely jerks off on the regular. Don’t believe me? Look at this still shot from the website:
You’re telling me that Camouflage Blazer (I didn’t even know that was a thing that existed) and Beret-With-Ponytail aren’t getting it in? Child, please. Of course they are. And big freaking deal. Masturbation is normal, healthy, and a part of life. There are far more important things that someone could do to lose their job and get a public shaming over. PBS and this country needs to get over penises, the fact that men have penises, and the fact they are going to touch their penises and maybe a couple others if the mood strikes them. The end!
Now, that that’s settled, I need to know who’s coming over to my crib to undo these damn cornrows? Have a wonderful weekend, Blarians, and don’t forget to purchase tix for my Carolines show on Sunday, August 19th @ 10p!:
Use the code “COB10″ to get $10 tix. Thanks! Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine, close this blog post out in style: