TMZ reported (Note that I’m using the word “reported” loosely with TMZ. Their website basically has the feeling of “Psst! Listen to what Pookie and ‘em had told me”) that Minka Kelly, Friday Night Lights actress and on-again/off-again girlfriend to Derek Jeter, has a sex tape:
Wait, fellas, you didn’t let me finish! Apparently, Minka was underage when she taped that mess:
Yeah, that’s right. You better do like Jack Black in the above .GIF and kick your boner off the bridge before Chris Hanson comes knocking on your door and tells your ass to sit down so you two can talk.
Just when you thought there wasn’t more to the story, there is. TMZ’s finest investigative journalists put on their best Colombo trench coats to verify that Minka was underage by researching the music playing in the background of the sex tape. Finally! They can now write off the Shazam app as a business purchase on their expense reports! Hooray! Anyway, these journalists were able to determine that not one, but TWO, Brandy songs from her 1998 album Never Say Never, which came out two weeks before her birthday, were playing in the background. No offense and maybe it’s just me, but the only mood that Brandy’s music puts me in is the kind that involves braiding some little Black girl’s hair while sitting on the stoop outside my apartment building. In short, Brandy’s ’90s music is for Black family reunion BBQs in the park, not for doggy-style in the bedroom of your parents’ house. But to be honest, this is shoddy investigative work. She could have been listening to Brandy’s album after turning eighteen. J/K! Listening to Brandy once you’re eighteen years old is like packing up your Jock Jams CDs and taking them with you when you go to college. #WhatWasIThinking?
Sidenote: am I the only one who’s wondering who’s seventeen and making a sex tape? That’s awfully young to not only tape yourself, but to also have a semi-professional kind of set up a la Wes Bentley in American Beauty. I mean, Minka and her ex-boyfriend put a camera on a tripod and had it hooked up to a TV monitor, so they could watch themselves. Aww, I bet that after they finished having sex, they cried a tear over while watching a plastic bag float around in the wind:
Moving on. Even if there is some dispute over Minka’s age, let’s, for the sake of argument, say that she was seventeen at the making of this taping. I just simply can’t believe we’re here again. B-level actresses getting caught up in the sex tape from the past game makes zero sense. I can’t honestly believe that she thinks this will boost her career the way it Kim Kardashian or Paris Hilton. The fact is that those days are over. Sex tapes are so common place that they won’t do anything, but be in the news cycle for a couple of days. So that only leaves me to believe that she was careless. I mean, I harassed a friend via text to email me the link of Katy Perry’s horrendous cover of Niggas in Paris (Did she really just substitute the word “ninjas” for “niggas?” Yes, she did. UGH) because I felt I needed to look at that trainwreck immediately. But with something as personal as a sex tape that Minka shot years ago, she couldn’t find in her pocket one fuck to give and hit up her ex-boyfriend on LinkedIn as soon as she got her SAG card and be like, “Heeeeeeey, soooooo, yeaaaaaah. Your resume looks great. About that sex tape…”
But the bottom line is that she probably shouldn’t have made the sex tape. Most people shouldn’t. I know I wouldn’t and it’s not because I’m a prude, but because if I become a famous comedian one day, I don’t want to have to sit down with Barbara Walters and her pearls and answer a question about why I was making my booty clap to a Nelly song ten years ago. And, Blarians, don’t even say you’ll never be famous. With the way society is going these days, it’s a possibility. So, for you good-looking ladies out there (let’s be honest, sex tapes of unattractive people aren’t getting leaked, they’re getting deleted), the next time some dude suggests making a sex tape, give him the side eye and politely decline. Because when a guy, especially a trifling one who’s not going anywhere in life, asks a good-looking woman to make a sex tape, he’s basically saying, “I ain’t shit and I ain’t never be shit, but you, you might be somebody someday. And I want that money.” So, I’m gambling on the fact that I might be successful one day I’m going to do a sex tape, but if I did:
**Don’t forget (how could you because I keep reminding you!!!) that I’m headlining Carolines on Sunday, August 19th at 10pm. To make reservations, go to http://www.carolines.com/comedian/phoebe-robinson/ and use the code “COB10″ to get $10 tix. Love you. Mean it.**