Yes, I know this title is mad ignorant, but #TeamBlaria, you should be proud of me because I was literally going to type “youse” instead of “you,” so I could sound like some Italian goombah, but I thought that might be too much. Anyway, as we’re all aware, ever since Chick-fil-a’s president Dan Cathy proudly declared that he’s anti-gay marriage earlier this month, the company has been enduring somewhat of a PR nightmare. First, it was revealed on the Huffington Post website that despite Cathy’s proclamations that his only real concern is maintaining the ideal of the traditional family, Chick-fil-a actually donated nearly $5 million dollars to anti-gay groups and hate groups. Eventually, Cathy owned up to these donations. Then, The Jim Henson Company did the equivalent of a weave snatch during a street fight and announced publicly that they wished to sever their relationship with Chick-fil-a because of their views to which Chick-fil-a responded with this (click on the image to enlarge it and read the text):
Just like Prince William, we’re all giving Chick-fil-a the royal side eye and smirk combo for that mess of an excuse for recalling Muppet toys. Chick-fil-a issuing the recall after Muppets already told them to go to the left, to the left is like when someone gets dumped and then is like, “Yeah, I was gonna break up with you anyway because you leave dirty drawers all over the apartment.” Bitch, please, quit trying to save face. We all know you didn’t really care about the dirty Fruit of the Looms because you just GChated your friends three days ago about how he’s the one, so go turn on Fleetwood Mac’s Landslide, sit by your windowsill like this is West Side Story, and be sad.
But damnit! Cathy refuses to be sad and he continues to go on his tour of ignorance as this excerpt from a speech he gave at Hope Community Church earlier this month:
Not to sound reminiscent of Allen Iverson’s “We talkin’ ’bout practice” quote from his infamous press conference regarding him missing team practice, but Dan Cathy, “We talkin’ ’bout chicken!” Like YOU JUST MAKE FRIED CHICKEN! IT’S NOT THAT DEEP. You telling me that Chick-fil-a and everything it is: the owners, company board members, and employee, etc. exist to serve Jesus?! Peddling unhealthy, heart-clogging, fried chicken somehow makes you “a steward of God?” Dan Cathy, can you do me a favor? Take a frozen “sit your dumb ass down” chicken nugget out of the freezer, deep-fry it, dip it into honey mustard-flavored “I didn’t tell your dumb ass to get up, so sit back down,” eat it, and then wash it down with a 16 oz. diet “act like you got some damn sense” beverage. This is the most ludicrous and delusional thing you said in the above YouTube clip. Whoops! Look like I spoke too soon. It’s the second most ludicrous and delusional thing you said in the clip. Here’s the first:
It’s very clear in Romans Chapter 1, if we look at society today, we see all the twisted up kind of stuff that’s going on. Washington trying to redefine the definition of marriage and all the other kinds of things that we go—if you go upstream from that, in Romans Chapter 1, you will see that because we have not acknowledged God and because we have not thanked God, that we have been left victim to the foolishness of our own thoughts, and as result, we are suffering the consequences of a society and culture who has not acknowledged God or not thanked God—he’s left us to a deprived mind. It’s tragic and we live in a culture of that today.
Oh, really? Because people are trying to redefine marriage so gay people are no longer made to feel like second-class citizens by being denied rights that are granted heterosexual couples, society is suffering “consequences?” What consequences would those be, Cathy? When I think about the evil and horror and destruction that goes on in this world on a daily basis, I’m never like, “It’s because those two lesbians are kissing.” Gay love isn’t responsible for the unraveling of the “traditional family.” Let’s be honest, the traditional family concept has been falling apart for some time before gay people started openly demanding they have the same rights as straight couples. So quit placing blame where it does not belong. Gay marriage won’t make straight marriage and mother/father households obsolete. It’s not either/or. It’s about both co-existing.
But you know what? Fine. Okay, Dan Cathy’s anti-gay marriage and gay people. As ridiculous as I think that kind of belief is, he’s entitled to it. I can’t and won’t force anyone to believe the way that I do. BUT to use money that was given to your establishment as donations towards hate groups without the customers’ knowledge is extremely trifling. After all, records show that the $5 million donations to anti-gay groups and hate groups dates all the way back to 2003. Disturbing. What is also disturbing is the fact that Chick-fil-a-dumbasses is too boneheaded to realize that some of their customers are gay. I mean, it’s a mathematical impossibility that in the forty-five years the company has been in existence (with over 100 locations nationwide) it has only served straight people. So gay people have eaten at his restaurant because – gasp! – gay people like chicken, too! And guess what, Cathy? After they give you their gay money to eat your non-gay chicken, gay people have gay sex and then they gay cuddle and then a couple hours later, they gay poop (which includes lighting matches afterwards, but in a Z formation) because fast food gives e’erybody, gay or straight, the runs. So what ze fuck, Cathy? Unless you’re gonna be like, “We ain’t serving gay people,” then you can’t have them come to your establishment, eat your food, and then you trash them in public, take their money to help fund hate groups, which some of the money probably has, in turn, gone to someone’s Jo-Ann Fabrics arts and crafts supply, so they can misspell their hate in Magic Marker:
Look, I know that consumers cannot control how companies spend the money they receive and luckily for me, I’ve never been one of Chick-fil-a customers because I never lived near one and I don’t eat meat (except for my boyfriend’s peen. Hey-o! Ugh, I know, guys, but I had to write it). However, I believe that putting the average person’s money towards hate groups for gays, people of color, people of different religions, etc., is just wrong. Especially, if people aren’t knowledgeable of that fact AND once people are made aware of that, you then try to deny the truth to cover your ass. It’s called fact checking. If someone wants to know where all your money is going, they will be able to find out. You are no exception, Dan Cathy. So congratulations on being an idiot, not only in your beliefs, but in business by being anti-gay and subsequently eliminating a portion of your clientele because the hate in your heart, which is ultimately, more dangerous and sadder than any heart-clogging fried chicken you sell.
**Don’t forget. You. Me. Together at Carolines. On Sunday, August 19th at 10pm. To make reservations, go to http://www.carolines.com/comedian/phoebe-robinson/ and use the code “COB10″ to get $10 tix.**