Holla, #TeamBlaria! I’m baaaaaaack! Hope y’all had a great weekend and watched tons of the Olympic coverage. I LOVE the Olympics. More than love, I lurve the Olympics. I conveniently get emotionally invested in every sport that I haven’t cared about during the last four years leading up the Olympics because someone from America is competing. Well, not every sport. This shit is ignorant:
Race walking. Really? 1) If the average person can’t tell the difference between an athlete in the middle of a competition or a hungry mofo moving throughout a grocery store, then it’s shouldn’t be an Olympic sport. Both the dudes in this clip look like they are racing to the seafood department of Costco’s to get the last smoked salmon crostini sample. 2) If your athletic competition does not come on TV until 3am because no one gives a fuck to televise/watch it during normal hours of the day, it is not an Olympic sport. You know what else comes on at 3am? My dreams. While I’m sleeping. Get the hell outta here, race walking.
Anyway, I have to say that NBC’s coverage of the Olympics has been amazing. I actually haven’t missed anything I wanted to watch thus far, which basically boils down to swimmer Ryan Lochte (he’s hot) and gymnast Gabby Douglas (she’s Black, so I’m living vicariously through her. For reals, I tear up almost every time she sticks a landing. Aww). In addition to Gabby, I also love her fellow gymnast, seventeen year old Jordan Wieber, so I was pretty pumped last night that gymnastics was coming on, as pretty much everyone into gymnastics was anticipating by night’s end, that Wieber and Douglas were going to be the two Americans representing in the individual all-around competition, which takes place on Thursday. Unfortunately, Wieber had a shaky evening and got edged out by another teammate and close friend, Aly Raisman. Understandably, Wieber fell apart. Who wouldn’t?! She’s one of the best gymnasts in the world and it all but seemed like she would be a lock for the gold or silver medal in individual all-around. So it’s obviously devastating to know that everything you have worked for is over. You know who doesn’t give a fuck about that? NBC because they pulled this trifling ass stunt:
Could this be anymore like a sad ass moment from Showgirls? I mean, damn, NBC! Y’all didn’t have to show Jordyn wiping every damn salty tear off her face with her chalky fingertips before being consoled by her coach Jenny Zhang, who who apparently did not get the memo that you don’t wear banana hair clips when you know you might be on national television. Look, if she had a regal ass look on her face like she was Nelson Mandela and just got released out of prison, I’d say capture that shit in HD! Because then we’d all be impressed by her steely resolve. I’d even be okay if Wieber was doing that pretty-cry shit I do sometimes because even though I’m sad on the outside, Christina Aguilera’s Beautiful is playing in my head and I’m thinking to myself, “Pose, pose, smile, wipe a tear, make bitches jealous because I make sadness look hella good, repeat:”
Buuuuuuuuuuut, that’s so not what Wieber did. She was straight up crying like she was Ricky’s mom in Boyz N The Hood and had just learned that Ricky got murdered in the streets. Wieber fell apart and was probably like, “OH, LAWD, WHAT AM I GON DO WITH MAH LIFE?!?! I PUT OFF PUBERTY FOR THIS SHIT!” Thankfully, NBC, found some mercy and cut away from her. But not for long because someone at NBC who has turds for brains thought it would be an awesome idea to conduct an interview with Aly RIGHT IN FRONT OF JORDYN. Extremely trifling:
I mean, Wieber is wiping snot on her glittered sleeve while Aly is all loud and shit. “UM, I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT MY SCORE WAS.” Apparently, Aly, you also don’t know how to modulate the volume on your voice. Who are you? Will Ferrell from that SNL sketch:
Aly, listen. You are at max volume like Jordyn isn’t standing two feet away from you. Like, bitch (I know Aly only sixteen, so I shouldn’t call her a “bitch,” but that’s how I write), shut the hell up. She does not: “I DON’T KNOW. IT’S THIS NEW THING. I ALWAYS CRY WHEN I’M HAPPY.” Well, Wieber is crying because you just crip walked all over her dreams while wearing some maybe it’s Maybelline mascara. I mean, are you always this loud? Even when you were a little kid, did you go up to your mom and ask, “CAN I HAVE SOME APPLEJACKS? No, you used your indoor voice because you didn’t want your mom to slap you upside the head with that box of Applejacks. So lower your damn voice and pass your friend and teammate a couple squares of Charmin.
But most of all, NBC, shame on you for keeping Jordyn in the shot while filming the interview. To quote all the ignorant ass women in The Real Housewives series, “you have no class.” Not only that, but it was also insensitive. She couldn’t leave the floor, so she had nowhere to hide her crying. It’s not like she had no choice. But you had a choice, NBC. I mean, I know you want to capture every single moment of the Olympics. Especially the drama. And a teenage girl crying when her dreams are destroyed is capital D drama. However, there has to be a moment when you don’t go for ratings and just let someone be devastated in private without worrying about that devastation being on the internet forever.
**Reminder!! I’m headlining Carolines on Sunday, August 19th at 10pm. To make reservations, go to http://www.carolines.com/comedian/phoebe-robinson/ and use the code “COB10″ to get $10 tix. Love you. Mean it.**