Archive | August, 2012

Republican National Convention: Day Three

31 Aug

#TeamBlaria, I think the following accurately sums up Mitt Romney’s evening: before Clint Eastwood showed up, Romney was chilling and feeling good:

After Clint Eastwood took a giant Metamucil dump on stage at the Republican National Convention:

That’s right. Eastwood blew out every damn candle on Romney’s ice cream cake with his fuckery and totally ruined what was supposed to be Romney’s shining moment. For eleven minutes, Eastwood rambled on, talked to an empty chair, which was supposed to represent Obama, and totally violated my eardrums with his dry-as-a-used-cardboard-box-by-the-dumpster-voice. I know you’re old, Clint, but invest in some eucalyptus lozenges and coat that throat! In case you haven’t figured it out, what I’m trying to say, #TeamBlaria, is that last night was a hot sloppy mess. So let’s check out the lowlights from Day Three of the RNC:

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Republican National Convention: Day One

29 Aug

Mitt & Ann Romney on stage at the Republican National Convention following Ann’s speech last night.

After being postponed a day due to Hurricane Isaac, the 2012 Republican National Convention is finally underway, y’all! Even though it’s only been a day, so much has happened. A Black CNN camerawoman was harassed by a convention attendee who threw peanuts at her and said, “This is how we feed animals.” Because this jackass wanted her to know that he went to the Disney school of how to be a racist. I’m not saying he had to try and beat her down, but if your racism consists of throwing your spare protein source at me, then color me unimpressed. However, not all was doom & gloom during day one. Rumors about a surprise mystery guest speaker on Thursday (Sarah Palin? A hologram of Ronald Regan who will crip walk his way off the stage after his speech? A gay person? Seriously, any gay person who is Republican will do) has folks buzzing. Simply put, RNC coverage seems to be taking over the news, so it’s only natch (aka natural) for lil ole Blaria to provide a breakdown of  some of the highlights from Day One’s activities.

#1) Southern gospel group The Oak Ridge Boys singing Amazing Grace:

The Oak Ridge Boys perform during the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Fla., on Tuesday, Aug. 28, 2012. (AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite) Photo: J. Scott Applewhite, AP / AP

From left to right: Joe Bonsall, Duane Allen, William Lee Golden, and Richard Sterban.

What in low budget, county-fair, cheesy cheddar grits kind of group is this? I’m sorry. I can’t take them seriously when dude on the far right looks like Eugene Levy in a bad wig. I mean, this musical act has “worst case scenario” aka “no other White people wanted to fly down to Tampa during hurricane season to saaaaaang for Romney” written all over them. Obvs, Romney’s peeps can’t book someone like Bruce Springsteen, but they didn’t have to get a bunch of dudes who if someone told me they like to reenact the demise of Hilary Swank’s character in Boys Don’t Cry for fun, my immediate response wouldn’t be, “Duh, bitch.” Okay, okay. Maybe I’m being harsh because I never heard of these cats. Why? Because they sell their music at Cracker Barrel:

Nothing says I made it like having your music sold nationwide at Cracker Barrels.

And The Oak Ridge Boys ain’t ashamed of it either. That Cracker Barrel emblem is the biggest damn image on this ad besides the picture of the group. They have two titans of the digital music world – iTunes & Amazon- and they put shit in tiny high school report footnote font size, so they could let us know that the place where most people go when they’ve been driving on the highway for a couple of hours and need a place to poop is THE place to purchase The Oak Ridge Boys records. Even Romney was probably like, “Man, this is some bullshit.”

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Peace Out, Foreskin!

27 Aug

Hol to the ler, #TeamBlaria! Hope y’all had a good weekend. I did. My bf and I, after nine months of dating, finally went to our first farmer’s market together to buy fresh goat milk cheese, fruit, and kale. I know. We’re officially gross/cuter than Lisa Bonet dancing in MC Hammer pants:

I was still on a cuteness high this morn when I turned on the Today show and there was a story about circumcision. Great, now I have to think about dick skin shields while I’m munching on organic berries. Anyway, the story centered around a new article published by Associated Press about how the country’s top pediatricians have come out and said that the benefits of circumcision outweigh the risks. Really? In 2012, we needed more research about how people should have their chillrens circumcised because there’s still debate about doing the procedure? This is ludicrous. Just circumcise the peen. Otherwise, men will face the following #1 risk that failed to be mentioned in the AP article, which is when an uncircumcised dude whips out his peen for the first time with a chick that he started dating and she responds:

Because. Where. Is. Your. Real. Dick. At?”

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What Kind Of Fuckery Is This?

22 Aug

#TeamBlaria, my eyeballs has just put in its two weeks notice and my ovaries are now under new management because I subjected myself to watching the train wrecks from The Learning Channel aka TLC’s show Toddlers & Tiaras and the spin-off series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” For the uninitiated, Alana aka Honey Boo Boo is a six year old redneck White girl who says extremely country things in front of cameras and performs in child pageants. Here is the trailer for the spin-off series:

Hey, TLC, what the hell am I supposed to be L’ing from this? Y’all need to S my D because this is some bullshit. Don’t get me wrong; I love reality TV. It’s my guilty pleasure, but Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is absolutely ridiculous and I can’t believe it’s on television. Granted, I’m basing my opinion on just the trailer for the show, so, naturally, I’m going to watch a couple of episodes. Don’t judge me! I’m doing this for the people. Here are the top seven moments that made my soul weep like the crying Native American in the 1970s pollution commercial:

#1) Honey Boo Boo has decided it’s never to young to start training to be on Maury:

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And this is Honey Boo Boo’s Mama, June:

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Love the two bitches in the front refusing to turn around like, “Shoo fly, don’t bother me because I got common damn sense and a Talbots gift card on my side.”

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If You Are A Woman & Still Vote Republican, You’re A Moron

20 Aug
From left: Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.) and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.), co-sponsors of "foricible rape" bill

Female Republican voters, this is who you’re rooting for: Rep. Todd Akin (R-Mo.) and Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisc.) & Republican VP nominee co-created the “forcible rape” bill.

“Well you know, people always want to try to make that as one of those things, well how do you, how do you slice this particularly tough sort of ethical question. First of all, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.

But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something. I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be on the rapist and not attacking the child.”

~ Rep. Todd Akin during his appearance on The Jaco Report.

Cue every woman’s reaction around the world:

Seriously, why is it that the multitude of discussions and ridiculous statements about women, their bodies, their rights, and their lives are, for the most part, by White Republican men? What the hell do they know? Have they or anyone close to them been affected by any of the horrible shit that can potentially happen to women? Probably not because otherwise it’s unfathomable these men would continue to spew such foolishness. I mean, they just jizz their ideas and opinions all over everyone’s faces and then hand us a towel and cab fare, tell us to clean up, and get the hell out. So, if you are Republican with a peen, could you please shut your damn mouth when it comes to women because your ignorance has reached Code Red.

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What I’m Obsessed About & Maybe You Should Be, Too!

17 Aug

#TeamBlaria!!! Happy Friday, y’all! As you may know because I have implanted it into your brains over the past month, my Carolines show is this Sunday. Whoo! So excited and I hope to see a lot of you NYC peeps there. Anyway, today’s post isn’t about that. Today, I wanted to take some time to give you a little insight into the mind of lil ole Blaria by sharing with you what amuses and/or inspires me. With this list, you’ll see some of the things that make me laugh the hardest and also things that keep me motivated when the going gets tuff:

Ok, my life has never been that tough, but enough about that. Without further adieu, here are the things, in no particular order, that really melt my butter:

#1) Best Herp Derp of All-Time. For those not in the know, Urban Dictionary (which should be re-titled “What I Had Heard Someone Say That One Time”) defines herp derp as “An expression used when a person, or yourself, has done somthing (see why I suggested a re-titling? How are you going to be a dictionary and misspell basic words?) extremely stupid and dopey.” We’ve all herp derp’d. You barge into a public bathroom while someone else is in it, herp derp. You accidentally lock yourself out of your apartment, herp derp. When you’re home with the family for the holidays and you decide y’all should watch the movie Due Date, which includes, unbeknownst to you, a thirty second Zach Galifinakis’ masturbation scene. Guess what, ya herp derp’d. And I’ll never again suggest watching a movie together as a family unless it’s rated PG. Anyway, this following clip of a news reporter failing horribly as she’s supposed to be reporting from Michael Jackson’s BAD tour rehearsal is probably the original herp derp and therefore, it holds a special place in my heart:

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ERMERGERD! I’m Time Out New York’s Joke of the Week!

16 Aug

Hallelu-jer, y’all! Lil Blaria is on a media blitz this week to help promote my show at Carolines on Sunday. And by media blitz, I just mean that I’ve been in three things:

#1) Time Out NY‘s Joke of the Week

#2) Interview with TimesSquare.com where they used the worst picture they could find that highlighted my overbite. Oy. My teefs ain’t supposed to be viewed from e’ery angle, y’all!

#3) A snuff film. J/k! A fully-clothed and afro’d video interview for the website YuletideSnapper.com. Very cool webbie that is focused on promoting upcoming talent like yours truly.

Check out this stuff starting now…

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Getting Fired: The Chad Johnson Edition

15 Aug

*Editor’s note (okay, it’s just me): Unfortunately, the video of Chad Johnson’s firing was pulled down from YouTube as I was writing this post and I’ve been debating whether or not to publish this post or start over and write something new. But since I was able to get some screen captures I think and hope this post will still be funny to you. Proceed, #TeamBlaria.

Whether your boss pulls a Padma Lakshmi and tell you to “please pack your knives or go” aka you’re fired or your company simply goes under and you’re laid off with a severance package, getting told you’re losing your job is hella awkward. Because if you’re blindsided, you might end up doing this in front of your soon-to-be ex-boss:

However, if you hated that job, you’ll prob do this:

And no boss wants to feel like you specifically wore your good underwear because you knew you were about to get fired and wanted to show him/her that nothing’s holding you down anymore, especially polyester-blend dress pants for this bullshit job. So suffice it to say, getting fired is awkward because you have to strike the right balance to make it seem like you’re really did want and enjoy being there without looking desperate. What makes the job firing even more awkward.org/FAQS is when HBO cameras are there to capture every weird silence, steely gaze, and “um.” Such is the case when football player Chad Johnson was fired from the Miami Dolphins on the show Hard Knocks, which is a reality sports documentary that follows a different football team each season.

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Top Ten Moments from the 2012 London Olympics

13 Aug

Y’all, the Olympics are done-zo. So now, I have to go back to the gym instead of pretending that eating chips and watching some Chinese dude jump over hurdles counts as exercise. Life is hard, ain’t it? Anyway, I don’t want to let go of the Olympics just yet, so as a final goodbye, I’m counting down my ten favorite moments while listening to Will Ferrell’s rendition of Dust in the Wind:

#10: Helen Mirren power walking past a slew of bitches like a boss:

This is what you do at work when you have to go to the bathroom really bad. You’re like, I don’t give an eff that everyone knows I have to pee because I’m still gonna hold conversation with each and every trick that I pass on my way to the bathroom: “Hey, girl.” “‘Sup, girl?” And, “Order me the #7 from Qdoba. There’s money in my purse. I might be gone for a minute.” #WorkItHelenMirren

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Serena Williams Crip Walking At the Olympics

10 Aug

Good grief, y’all, after nearly two weeks, the Olympics are finally winding now. And I don’t know about you, but I’m ‘zausted (aka exhausted and yes, I know there isn’t a “z” anywhere in that word. Just go with it) as hell. I mean, so much has happened:

1) Ryan Lochte proved he’s nothing but pecks and peen (I wish I was one of those people who wrote trashy biographies about famous people because that’s the perfect title. Pecks and Peen: An Unauthorized Biography of Kofi Annan because duh, that is the most ignorant title you can assign to someone like Kofi Annan) with one idiotic tweet:

2) German diver Stephen Feck trained his whole life to do this:

http://www.totalprosports.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/stephan-feck-dive-fail.gif

You know all his sponsors were like, “Sooooooooo, I could’ve have just thrown my money in the toilet, flushed it, and then caught up on old episodes of “The Good Wife” instead of paying for him to do this shit.”

3) These grown ass people went to dance school, so they could look like extras from Nick Jr.’s Yo Gabba Gabba during the opening ceremony:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand a bunch of other things happened. Medals were won. Tears were shed. Blah, blah, blah. The fun stuff are all the lame ass mini-controversies: Gabby Douglas’ hair & that her “unpatriotic” leotard, China’s badminton teams being disqualified for cheating, Ryan Seacrest covering the Olympics at all. But there is one more controversy I forgot to address, which is that when US tennis star Serena Williams finally won the Women’s Singles gold medal that had been eluding her, she did this:

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