Y’all, I’m going to be honest. I want to be Gabby Douglas’ friend. I’m not talking casual friendship. You know the kind where you bump into someone on the street and the both of you pretend like you’re not counting in your heads how long you until you can exit the conversation without looking like you didn’t want to leave the convo. I’m talking inside-joke having, clothes swapping, can-you-look-something-up-for-me-on-WebMD-and-tell-me-I’m-not-going-to-die-because-I-trust-my-uninformed-best-friend-forever-over-some-Harvard-doctor kind of friendship. Can we do that, Gabs? I know I’m standing in a long ass line of folks who also adore and wanna go halfsies on huevos rancheros sometime, but I’m putting out there. Let’s. Do. This.
Ok, #TeamBlaria. You got me. Clearly, I’m not neutral when it comes to the matter of Gabby Douglas and seemingly on Twitter, a lot of other people aren’t either. In fact, plenty of people are passionate about her. But the focus of their attention isn’t directed at her accomplishments, or her poise, or her skills as an athlete. It’s aimed at her hair. That’s right, her hair. WTF?! When I read the negative tweets about Douglas’ hair, I responded like this in my apartment:
All I could do was laugh because clearly these people trashing Douglas are being petty. Sidenote: when I was laughing, I wasn’t wearing gorgeous lingerie from La Perla and being lit beautifully. I was sitting underneath a GE light bulb and wearing cut up shorts, which made me think about my sad, sad checking account. So maybe I was laughing more about at how much money I don’t have than the nasty tweets. But the point is that I can’t laugh about it anymore. I gotta blog about it. After all, that’s the Blaria way.
This is the hair in question:
that has caused some people to lash out and clown her on the internet. Let’s take a look at some of the rude ass comments from the ain’t-doing-shit-with-their-lives people of Twitter, shall we?:
@MessyMeil tweeted, “So for real though nobody wanted to go to London to do Gabby Douglas’ hair?
@MayaFantastic! tweeted, “Gabby Douglas need to tame the beady beads in the back of her hair. lol”
And this delicious little nugget:
@stephaniebabe93 twated, “I know every black female looked at gabby douglas’ hair and asked Why? Just why?”
UGH!!! Since I can’t go to each and every one of your houses and do this:
let me say the following: YOU ARE BEING EXTREMELY IGNORANT, SO SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, STOP USING YOUR WORTHLESS THUMBS TO TWEET NASTY SHIT, AND SHUT THE HELL UP.
Also, @stephaniebabe93, thanks for speaking on behalf of all Black people. Because not only do we just love when one Black person takes it upon him/herself to assume their opinion represents all of us, but it makes it extremely easy for White people to record Black history by waiting for a buffoon to queef out some nonsense and then quickly post it on Wikipedia under the section “All You Need To Know About Black People”, which includes things like “prefacing something they are about to say with the disclaimer ‘Real Talk,’ so the listener knows that the other shit they said was ‘Pretend Talk,’” “if two Black people are dancing at a work party, they’ll pretend like they don’t want it to turn into a dance off, but, c’mon, they really want the dance off ” and “water is scary.” Oh, wait, you didn’t like how I used my sarcasm to speak on behalf of all Black people? Then shut the hell up, @stephaniebabe93.
Secondly, if any of these nasty ass tweets came from a White person then e’ery Black person in America would’ve sent out the bat signal to get Al Sharpton (the signal being three old Black church ladies saying “Oh, Lawd” three times while staring at mirror and fanning themselves) on TV talking about how racism is rearing its ugly head again. But somehow since these Twitter folk are Black like Douglas that makes these comments, what exactly? Less disgraceful or shallow or inappropriate or shameful because after all these folks are only just engaging in some #RealTalk from one Black person to another?
But more than a race thing, this is a people thing because this type of garbage doesn’t just happen to Gabby. Michael Phelps has won more medals than any other Olympian in history and there will still be people who will go, “But his face looks weird.” And with Lebron James it’s, “Yeah, he won a championship, but his hairline is receding.” Why is that even worth saying? Oh, I see. You want to make yourself feel better, you’ll start a trending topic on Twitter clowning someone because even though we love building public figures up, we love even more to tear them down. And yes, I know it is just Twitter, so who cares? Except it’s not just Twitter. It’s the mentality that no matter what is achieved, some people must find a way to say something hateful to bring the person back down a little. To keep them in check.
It’s also not just Twitter because of the race thing. So let’s go back to the race thing for a quick second because the Black people who spewed this garbage about Douglas’ head on the internet KNOW how touchy the subject of hair is for Black women. For centuries, Black women have made to feel less than, ugly, unworthy because they don’t have “good hair” aka straight hair like White people. When I had dreadlocks and single for a little bit, the majority of Black dudes were supportive of this look, but I was told by a couple of Black dudes that I would have a man if I just didn’t have my hair like that. Nice. Or how about when TV personality Wendy Williams said that Viola Davis going to Academy Awards with her hair naturally curly was inappropriate because Black people shouldn’t go to formal events looking like that? Looking like what? Yourself ? Okay, Black woman are not to wear their natural AND if a Black woman chooses to straighten her hair, let’s still attack her if her straight hair isn’t looking perfect. Enough is enough! Jeez, take the day off from deriding someone for not meeting your standards. Maybe you can then find it in you to support your fellow Black person for achieving something that no doubt is inspiring little Black girls around the country. Be less shallow and maybe you’ll also achieve more with your life. Get your priorities straight.
Because there are so many other things that you could have tweeted about Gabby Douglas like the fact that she is well-spoken and charming in interviews:
Or how about the fact that she won two gold medals, one of which is the all-around gold medal, which no other Black person has done in history? How about the fact that she poured her blood, sweat, tears, and hair grease into the past ten plus years of her gymnastic life so she could fulfill her destiny to become an Olympic champion? How about the fact that she is sixteen fucking years old and when you were a teenager and your classmates said even 1/10th of the vitriol you have spewed in Douglas’ direction, you would’ve run home to your mama and ask her to tell you’re beautiful. And she’ll do it because she knows that despite what the world says about you, you are beautiful AND because she’s not an asshole like how you’re being right now. So knock it the fuck off. Gabby doesn’t need some dick cheese, or labia brie for the ladies out there talking trash, to try and ruin her moment because her Black hair is not YOUR ideal (which is basically society’s ideal) of what you think her Black hair should look like. Stop being an asshole.
But what if you like being an asshole? In that case: congratulations! Congratulations, you’re an asshole for picking on a sixteen year old through the safety of a fucking computer like a chump even though she has probably accomplished more in her short life than you have thus far in yours. Congratulations, you’re an asshat because you equate tearing someone down for no reason as the same as “it’s just jokes” so relax. Congratulations, you’re an asskerchief (sorry, I’m running out things to combine with “ass”) for pretending that none of the complexes that each of us has about ourselves isn’t the direct result of people making you feel like shit about the supposed flaws or actual imperfections you have. So to quote Kanye, I’m toasting to the douchebags, scumbags, and the jerkoffs. Cheers, asskerchiefs!
**You know the deal: I’m headlining Carolines on Sunday, August 19th at 10pm. To make reservations, go to http://www.carolines.com/comedian/phoebe-robinson/ and use the code “COB10″ to get $10 tix. Enjoy your weekend!!!**