White. Women. Cry:
That’s right, y’all. The Olympics love when White women cry in the rain. And on a train. The Olympics love when White women cry in a house. They love when White women cry with a mouse. Sam-I-Am, the Olympics love when White women cry. Sure, the Olympics always dig a great back story or when Michael Phelps’ mom, Debbie, loses her shit after he wins a race and does a “Praise Jesus, I got the last Kirk Franklin concert tickets for me and my cousins” dance, but the Olympics’ bread and butter is having cameramen zoom in on White women as they’re crying tears of defeat. So in honor of the Olympics turning people’s most heartbreaking moments of their professional career into sad porn for us, the viewers, I’m going to rate the following five Olympic cry fests based on my favorite crying White lady, actress Naomi Watts. Please note, the following clip is NSFW:
Clearly, the fact that Naomi Watts is sad as hell while spinning on the ones and twos aka masturbating, shows that she is hands down the queen of White lady crying, so other bitches (and James Van Der Beek) need not apply. So let’s get to it, shall we?
1) Russian Gymnast Viktoria Komova – 2012 London Olympics
The all-around Women’s gymnastic final was actually a fairly close race between eventual winner USA’s Gabby Douglas and second-place finisher, Russia’s Viktoria Komova. It all came down to floor exercise and these two were the last to go. Douglas did her thing and was in gold medal position after her performance; however, Komova had more than enough skill to sneak in there and capture the gold with her floor routine. And she. Was. Flawless. The best she had done at the Olympics. Yet, when all the numbers had been calculated, Komova’s floor exercise was simply not enough and she ended up with a silver medal finish:
I give this only two Naomi Watts because even though the pain in Komova’s eyes connotes that she’s going to be writing a sad ass diary entry into her Lisa Frank journal on the flight back to Russia, she tried to hide her tears by burying her face into the B-cup bosom of her male Russian coach. First rule of White lady crying is DON’T HIDE/WIPE THE TEARS! At least not right away. In that Naomi Watts clip, bitch had a free hand to wipe the tears from her face, but she didn’t do it! She let those tears cascade down her face like chocolate down a chocolate fountain. In short, let those damn salty tears flow.
2) USA gymnast Shawn Johnson – Beijing 2008
Just like with Komova/Douglas, the race for the gold all-around Women’s gymnastics finals came down to, as most expected, a battle between USA’s Nastia Liukin her fellow country woman Shawn Johnson. In the end, Luikin beat Johnson out by less than one point. Following the medal ceremony, Johnson was interviewed:
I must say, Johnson, who was sixteen at the time, did a pretty good job during the first eighteen seconds of this interview. But the interviewer was not having it. Johnson is a pretty White girl with blond hair, straight teefs, and shattered dreams. Aka a Lifetime movie in the flesh. So the interviewer knew a little prodding would do the trick. Because if White women aren’t crying, there’s nothing like asking them, “What’s was your worst moment?” and “You seem emotional, ” (which isn’t a question, but a command that will no doubt have a hormonal teen reaching for Kleenex with aloe vera immediately) while they’re wearing a Sue Silvester track suit a national television. I give this three and a half Naomi Watts because she did the classic talk-while-crying-so-now-your-voice-is-cracking that we’ve all done as kids. Bonus points if you’re gasping for air between each word. “Phoebe, what’s wrong?” “One, gasp, of, gasp, the, gasp, neighbors’, gasp, kids, gasp, broke, my, gasp, Skip-It.”
3) USA Figure Skater Nancy Kerrigan – pre-1994 Lillehammer Winter Olympics
We all know this story: Nancy Kerrigan was America’s sweetheart and had hella skills as a figure skater. She was trying to make it on the Olympic team and had one competition before the Olympic trials, which was the U.S. Figure Skating Championships. Tonya Harding, another talented American figure skater, was definitely from the wrong side of the tracks. And not in a Save the Last Dance kind of way, but in a this girl probably slapped a classmate upside the head with a lunchbox when she was eleven. Harding was a tough bitch. So tough that she had her husband, at the time, attack Kerrigan in the hallway at the arena with a billy club. Damn, that’s some Joe Pesci shit:
Five Naomi Watts. Duh! Nancy is crying, “Why!!!,” so good that even Mary J. Blige would’ve been like, “Damn, I need to get some soul like that.” Also, the cameraman made sure to get all up in Kerrigan’s grill. Medical experts are trying to figure out how badly damaged her knee is and the cameraman threw ‘bows to get his camera in her face to capture Kerrigan getting her Jessie Spano on with her “I’m so scared” cries. #Classy.
4) Italian Beach Volleyball Player Marta Menegatti – 2012 London Olympics
The Olympics love when White women cry so much that if they if do not have video of the cry incident, they will release a photographic shot by shot of the emotional breakdown. Such is the case with Italian beach volleyball player Marta Menegatti. Yesterday, she and teammate Greta Cicolari faced USA’s Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh Jennings in the quarterfinals and got worked over like a plate of ribs at a barbeque. The ass whooping was so much that during a timeout, Menegatti started teared up:
I give this one and a half Naomi Watts because while she did have a breakdown in the middle of a match (rookie mistake!), that awesomeness is offset because she’s wearing sunnies and quickly wipes her eyes with a beach towel. Therefore we are blueballed and don’t see any tears. I want a refund, Olympics! Luckily for e’erybody, the Olympics not only gave the world a refund, but threw in some store credit for good measure with…
5) USA Gymnast Jordan Wieber
Jordyn Wieber failed to qualify for the Women’s all-around final, which surprised almost everyone because it was widely expected that the all-around final would be a Douglas/Wieber showdown. And I’m sure on some level, she expected it as well. Wieber had been one of the top gymnasts for the past couple of years and now the dream is over.
This gets four Naomi Watts because she went into the “ugly cry,” a cry much dreaded by Black Jesus aka Oprah. Also, later on, NBC caught Wieber crying while wearing a Jansport backpack. Double damn, NBC, why didn’t wait around in the parking lot and film someone snatching Wieber last Lunchables out of her hand? Watching someone crying while wearing a Jansport backpack is like watching Marley & Me except the movie is only 90 minutes of the scene where the dog dies.
**Y’all!! We’re just TWO WEEKS AWAY from my headlining gig at Carolines on Sunday, August 19th at 10pm. Make those ressies by going to http://www.carolines.com/comedian/phoebe-robinson/ and use the code “COB10″ to get $10 tix. Thx!**