*Editor’s note (okay, it’s just me): Unfortunately, the video of Chad Johnson’s firing was pulled down from YouTube as I was writing this post and I’ve been debating whether or not to publish this post or start over and write something new. But since I was able to get some screen captures I think and hope this post will still be funny to you. Proceed, #TeamBlaria.
Whether your boss pulls a Padma Lakshmi and tell you to “please pack your knives or go” aka you’re fired or your company simply goes under and you’re laid off with a severance package, getting told you’re losing your job is hella awkward. Because if you’re blindsided, you might end up doing this in front of your soon-to-be ex-boss:
However, if you hated that job, you’ll prob do this:
And no boss wants to feel like you specifically wore your good underwear because you knew you were about to get fired and wanted to show him/her that nothing’s holding you down anymore, especially polyester-blend dress pants for this bullshit job. So suffice it to say, getting fired is awkward because you have to strike the right balance to make it seem like you’re really did want and enjoy being there without looking desperate. What makes the job firing even more awkward.org/FAQS is when HBO cameras are there to capture every weird silence, steely gaze, and “um.” Such is the case when football player Chad Johnson was fired from the Miami Dolphins on the show Hard Knocks, which is a reality sports documentary that follows a different football team each season.
As you may or may not know, Chad is having a rough week by his own design. He got into a fight with his reality TV star wife Evelyn Lozada and ended up head butting her and her filing for divorce. Head butting? Really? Is this a Van Damme movie where head butts and split kicks are the go to fighting moves?:
At any rate, this domestic violence incident was the straw the broke the camel’s back as Johnson had already been on rocky ground with the Dolphins organization. He had an extremely poor showing in the preseason opener and previously went off on Twitter with inappropriate tweets and a profanity-laced interview with the media. Dolphins’ head coach Joe Philbin had to be the bear of bad news and HBO made sure to get e’ery last moment:
Ooof. Rough stuff, ain’t it? But, to quote Black Jesus aka Oprah, let’s use this clip as a teachable moment because some of us may be in this position one day and we’ll want to avoid the pitfalls that are evident in this scene.
One, when people are fired, especially those who are fuck ups like Johnson has been, it’s not a shock. Therefore, when your boss calls you into his office to have a discussion, which will most likely lead to your firing, you should have enough common damn sense to not show up wearing fucking house slippers:
This ain’t laundry day! You have cameramen following you around. More importantly, no one should be looking at your ashy ass ankles while they’re in the middle of putting your dreams into a sleeper hold. I’m not saying you have to look like Farnsworth Bentley (Diddy’s umbrella holder & rapper), but don’t have to look like you’re on your way to a middle school sleepover. There’s an in-between and it’s called “not dressing like Three’s Company‘s Mrs. Roper.” That means no muumuus, no unnecessary amount of string pearl necklaces, and no damn house slippers. Because now, Coach Philbin is thinking, “Oh, lawd, I’m firing this guy and he doesn’t have the damn sense to put some Jergs on feet before he steps out his house.”
Two, if you’re going to fire someone, then don’t have them sit underneath your Sears family portrait where you and your fam are dressed in white shirts and stone washed jeans like this is the opening credits of the original Beverly Hills 90210:
No one wants to be reminded of your happiness while you’re taking away theirs.
Three, if your boss is firing you, don’t lean in and give a Denzel Washington steely glare and say nothing. What are you, Nell? #MovieReferenceThatFivePeopleWillGet
Four, when your employers says, “Is there [awkward pause] anything…else,” that’s means, “You are making this shit so uncomfortable for me right now and I wish you would either leave…or leave.”
And five, going back to the house slippers thing. The main reason you shouldn’t wear house slippers when you’re getting fired is because NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THE SAD ASS CLOTH SCRAPING OF YOUR SLIPPERS AGAINST THEIR CARPET FLOOR AS YOU WALK OUT THE ROOM:
I hope we all learned something from this teachable moment even tho HBO cockblocked me and you can’t see the video anymore. Now go out there and get fired like a professional!!! And when I can get footage of the firing, I will upload it. Thanks for understanding!
**Don’t forget! My headlining gig at Carolines on Sunday, August 19th at 10pm is almost here! If you haven’t yet, make those ressies by going to http://www.carolines.com/comedian/phoebe-robinson/ and use the code “COB10″ to get $10 tix. Thx!**