What Kind Of Fuckery Is This?

#TeamBlaria, my eyeballs has just put in its two weeks notice and my ovaries are now under new management because I subjected myself to watching the train wrecks from The Learning Channel aka TLC’s show Toddlers & Tiaras and the spin-off series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” For the uninitiated, Alana aka Honey Boo Boo is a six year old redneck White girl who says extremely country things in front of cameras and performs in child pageants. Here is the trailer for the spin-off series:

Hey, TLC, what the hell am I supposed to be L’ing from this? Y’all need to S my D because this is some bullshit. Don’t get me wrong; I love reality TV. It’s my guilty pleasure, but Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is absolutely ridiculous and I can’t believe it’s on television. Granted, I’m basing my opinion on just the trailer for the show, so, naturally, I’m going to watch a couple of episodes. Don’t judge me! I’m doing this for the people. Here are the top seven moments that made my soul weep like the crying Native American in the 1970s pollution commercial:

#1) Honey Boo Boo has decided it’s never to young to start training to be on Maury:

And this is Honey Boo Boo’s Mama, June:

Love the two bitches in the front refusing to turn around like, “Shoo fly, don’t bother me because I got common damn sense and a Talbots gift card on my side.”

#2) Can TLC stop subtitling every damn word on this show? It’s not a foreign language film; it’s just deep fried buffoonery. Seriously, half their budget is spent on decoding the nonsense that’s said like it’s the Watergate tapes. For instance, check out 6:30-6:40 in the clip below. I have it cued up for you:

Someone went to college, so they could end up fact checking and confirming that Mama said VAJIGGLE JAGGLE. Think about that. That person got good grades in high school, took out student loans, ate tater tots and Ramen noodles for four years, graduated and now has Sallie Mae leaving voicemails for past due student loan payments, all so s/he could make minimum wage to type “beautimus” in sad Arial font. If that person had known this is what their life was going to be, I’m pretty sure s/he would’ve just gone to University of Phoenix Online. #RealTalk

#3) Honey Boo Boo’s older sister Chubette (yes, that is her actual nickname) giving her tried and not true dieting advice:

What in Crispy Creme doughnut hell? Has anyone ever said on The Biggest Loser, “Gimme a sec. I’m gonna go fart out some Cheetos dust because that’s really going to make a difference before the weigh-in.”

#4)

Okay, okay. This is pretty good. I can’t hate on a pun from a six year old. I’m not a monster!

#5) Despite the fact that her family is relatively poor, Honey Boo Boo takes it upon herself to waste rolls upon rolls of toilet paper all so she can reenact the Martin Lawrence slow head raise from the movie Bad Boys:

And here’s the original source material:

Mama’s Final thoughts:

#6) Ladies, sometimes you want a pedicure, but you’re just not in the mood to take off your Hanes Her Way gym socks. Well, there’s a solution:

#7) “You know, just a normal day where I let some guy, WHO IS NOT MY HUSBAND, mash his booty cheeks on my business like one does on an avocado to make guacamole. You know? The yooze (aka usual).”

See what I put myself through for you, #TeamBlaria? Hope you appreciate it. See y’all on Friday. Holla!

Tags: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Hot Mess, TLC, TV