#TeamBlaria, I think the following accurately sums up Mitt Romney’s evening: before Clint Eastwood showed up, Romney was chilling and feeling good:
After Clint Eastwood took a giant Metamucil dump on stage at the Republican National Convention:
That’s right. Eastwood blew out every damn candle on Romney’s ice cream cake with his fuckery and totally ruined what was supposed to be Romney’s shining moment. For eleven minutes, Eastwood rambled on, talked to an empty chair, which was supposed to represent Obama, and totally violated my eardrums with his dry-as-a-used-cardboard-box-by-the-dumpster-voice. I know you’re old, Clint, but invest in some eucalyptus lozenges and coat that throat! In case you haven’t figured it out, what I’m trying to say, #TeamBlaria, is that last night was a hot sloppy mess. So let’s check out the lowlights from Day Three of the RNC:
#1) Protesters marching outside the RNC:
Memo to all future protestors: there’s an in between dressing like you’re going to a Steve Harvey stand up show and looking like the Black dude in front, who probably wears that same outfit to the YMCA when he plays in 50+ over Men’s basketball league. That in between is called sleeves.
#2) Newt Gingrich and his wife Callista:
These two went on stage together and delivered their speech by alternating speaking a sentence or two each, thus creating tons of awkward pauses and line readings. WTF?! Y’all aren’t five year old chillrens reading Dr. Seuss’ One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish with your parents for the first time. You’re grown ass adults. Callista, let Newt’s bobble head deliver this speech on his own because no one wanted to watch you not blink for ten minutes.
#3) Taylor Hicks queefing out Taking It To The Streets:
Remember on Monday when I trashed Romney’s campaign for having
the cast of Sons of Anarchy The Oak Ridge Boys perform at the RNC? Well, it got worst because season five American Idol winner, Taylor Hicks did his best “uncle at a wedding singing soul music” impression and sang Taking It To The Streets. Again. Look, I actually like the dude. I voted for him to win AI during his season. I ain’t ashamed. But this is the only song he sings on TV. It’s ridiculous! Switch up the song selection a little bit. Like go on The Rachel Ray Show, pull out the triangle, and start tang-a-langing while you’re singing Hot Cross Buns. I mean, just do something different.
*Special shout out to the couple recording this video because they spend the first thirty seconds talking over the performance in their countrified Honey Boo Boo child twang and don’t give one biscuit and gravy damn that their CB radio is chirp, chirping in the background. Do you, y’all, do you.
#4) Clint Eastwood’s most awkward moment during his speech:
Really? Did this old ass man really do the throat slicing motion about the President and a room full of people cheered? Honestly, and I never thought I’d say this, but if Eastwood had ended his speech by saying, “Obama, nigga, get off my lawn,” it would have way less awkward than this.
#5) Marco Rubio speechifying:
To be honest, I could barely pay attention to his mostly self-serving monologue because I was distracted by his hair. Sure, Rubio combed it forward, so his head no longer looked like the “Before” in Bosley hair transplant commercials, but the comb over looks like a silky yarmulke sitting on top of his head. L’Chaim!
#6) This Random Old Lady smiling like she’s the baddest bitch:
Random Old Lady, calm down because resident HBIC aka head bitch in charge, Helen Mirren has this to say to you:
#7) Mitt Romney’s less than electrifying speech:
Going into the RNC, we all knew that Romney isn’t anywhere near the kind of orator that President Obama or former President Clinton are. No one was expecting him to knock it out the park. However, not only was his speech, like many at these kind of conventions, full of generalities and clichés, but it lacked the oomph and passion that his VP Paul Ryan had delivered the night before. Sure, Ryan clearly lied about a number of issues when discussing Obama; however, at the end of his speech, the ladies in the audience were clapping like they were at a D’Angelo concert, just ready for Ryan to rub his widow’s peak all over their bodies. When Romney was done, people cheered, but the ladies were like Rizzo from Grease:
Have a great Labor Day weekend, everyone!! Please note that there won’t be a Blaria post on Monday as I’m taking the day off due to the holiday, but I’ll be back next week to recap the Democratic National Convention. See ya then!