Whew! We are finally done with the Democratic National Convention. I have to say the final night of the DNC was fantastic. Sure, no moment topped Clinton’s panty creamer of a speech on Wednesday (yes, I went there, cuz even CNN’s Wolf Blitzer had to cool off his privates with an oriental hand fan from Chinatown for a good five minutes after Clinton was done). However, it is clear that the Democrats succeeded in getting people fired up for President Obama because they went into this event with a two-part plan:
Basically, the two-part plan was to have Black-girl-with-a-pushup-bra-on-reality-TV confidence. And it worked! Alrighty, folks, let’s see what else worked and didn’t work as I recap my last convention until 2016. Aww.
#1) A NBC cameraperson letting viewers know what not giving a damn about job looks like in 1080i HD:
Because if this person gave 3/5ths of a damn about my retinas, no way s/he would have let the camera linger on this Danny DeVito looking mofo, who’s proudly wearing a Sluts for Obama 2012 pin the way I proudly wear my do rag to bed like my boyfriend is supposed to be excited that I look like a prison inmate during sex. Point is, neither Ethnic Danny DeVito nor I should be proud of ourselves.
#2) John Kerry throwing shade at Mitt Romney like he’s Winona Ryder in the movie Heathers:
Kerry came with the fire during this speech. He was cracking jokes, dropping knowledge, and had a no bullshit attitude. Basically, he should’ve been this way when he was running for president in 2004. Oh, well. Back to last night. Kerry delivered so many gems: 1) In regards to Romney’s less than stellar foreign policy tour in July, “It wasn’t a goodwill mission — it was a blooper reel;” 2) “Sarah Palin said she could see Russia from Alaska,” Kerry said in one of several colorful punchlines. “Mitt Romney talks like he’s only seen Russia by watching Rocky IV;” 3) “Mr. Romney, here’s a little advice: before you debate Barack Obama on foreign policy, you better finish the debate with yourself.” OH, SHIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTT! In the streets, those comments would be grounds for someone to take off each and every Lee press on nail she’s wearing, put some Vaseline on her cheeks, and knock a bitch out. But in Romney’s world, he probably just angrily folded some Izod fleece zip ups and downed a couple Arnold Palmers beverages.
#3) Actresses Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman, and Kerry Washington, making cameo appearances:
Bottom line: your lineup of speakers at a political convention shouldn’t be the same as the people in a grown man’s spank bank.
#4) Looks like I have competition for Dave Grohl’s affection and that competition smells like a bag full of Werther’s Original’s candy (skip to 3:38):
That memaw is feeling him! She looks like she’d throw the fisherman’s cap she’s wearing and her husband’s tackle box at me in order to get some Dave Grohl peen.
#5) Why employees at Jo Ann Fabrics need to stop indulging bitches in homemade projects:
Because this lady went in there and was like, “Is there any possible way I could about seventy-two times more ignorant than when Ryan Locthe wore a blinged out USA flag grill after winning a gold medal?” And the employee said, “Sure! American paraphernalia, aisle nine.”
#6) Memo to self: As a Black person, the key to performing for President Obama is making sure you use every single dollop of Crisco that’s in your pantry, so your knees look shiny and not ashy. Thanks, MJB:
#7) President Obama’s speech:
Maybe not as inspiring as the 2008 DNC speech, but this is a different time we’re living in. Saying “hope” and “change” isn’t going to be enough. Like he stated last night, he is the president, so it’s time to be less pie in the sky and promising everything under the sun. He gave the kind of speech that is required now: admitting mistakes and achievements, speaking about what the future could be like if we get through this rough period, giving credit where credit is due whether it’s to the military or the general populous who has come together during this recession to save some jobs through the refrain of “You did that.” I’d give this speech:
Well, that’s it for the Blaria coverage of the Democratic National Convention. Hope you guys had as much fun as a I did. And I’m looking forward to doing it again in 2016. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with this fun little news. In about than two weeks – September 20th, to be exact – I’m launching the Blaria Podcast:
Whoo!!! Guests will include Baron Vaughn (Conan, Fallon, Arrested Development), Beth Stelling (debut stand up album Sweet Beth, Conan), Damien Lemon (MTV 2′s Guy Code, Comedy Central, The Amazin’ Spiderman), and Bethany Van Delft (Montreal’s Just for Laughs Festival, Nickelodeon’s Mom’s Night Out) and many, many more. Airing every Thursday at 1pm, starting September 20th and you can access on the Podcast section of this blog. Have a wonderful weekend!!