It’s Official: Chris Brown Is a Waste of Jizz

Alright, all you Columbos and CSI: Miami David Carusoes, put away your L.L. Bean trenchcoats and black Ray Ban sunglasses because I have just solved the latest mystery: R&B singer and all around scumbag Chris Brown is a horrible waste of oxygen. But, Blaria, you may ask, when he used the lyrics “Double your pleasure/double your fun” from the Doublemint Gum jingle in his song Forever wasn’t that definite proof that he should’ve ended up in a Kleenex tissue with aloe, right? Eh, not so much. I sing that jingle to myself when I get a second serving of grits on a Sunday morning. Okay, well, what about when he threw a chair through window after a bad interview on Good Morning America? Or the time he beat his then-girlfriend Rihanna to near death in 2009? Yes, both of those incidents are very despicable and horrible; however, it’s his latest shenanigans that have convinced me that him ending up in a Kleenex tissue would have been too good of a fate for him. He should’ve perished on a greasy and wrinkled Arby’s bag that has been on the floor for two weeks, but he didn’t. And I blame his mama for that. Because her vajayjay should’ve done this when her husband tried to spooge in it:

Instead, her vadge was like:

So here we are some twenty-three years later all because her vajay were playing cute, coy, and innocent like it’s Zooey Deschanel. But last I checked, unlike Deschanel, vaginas can’t play the ukelele. So Ms. Brown, you ain’t Zooey! You ain’t even her sister who stars in that TV show Bones. Unfortunately, what you are is responsible for co-creating, the biggest douche bag of the past ten years who does shit like this:

That’s right, Chris Brown showed up to a new event and unveiled his latest ink. It’s a neck tattoo of a badly beaten woman, who looks like scarily similar to the mug shot of Rihanna after he had beaten her. Tomato and basil on a French baguette (I’m trying to cut down on my cursing), this is really abominable. Like what is the point of this tattoo?!?!?! To remind of himself of the horrible thing he did to Rih-Rih? If that’s the case, he didn’t need to go through all that because there’s this thing called people. Human beings have been reminding him for the past three years of his trifling ways. But I guess when he’s taking a dump at his house at 2am, it’s probably way more convenient to hold up a vanity mirror, look at the tattoo and be like, “Oh, yeah, I did that,” than to have someone stand in the bathroom, say, “Yo, for real, you’re the worst person alive,” spray some Glade air freshener and then leave the bathroom. So, if Brown got the tattoo for that singular purpose, then I abhor him about 3.7% less than usual.

Whatever the reasoning is for Brown getting this tattoo, it’s clear that he’s a disturbed individual who believes that people are haters for not forgiving him. Sorry, Brown, you certainly don’t make things easy on yourself by not being remorseful about your actions and by constantly trying to defend what you did and seeming to be frustrated that people won’t let it go. As the abuser, you don’t get to set the statute of limitations for when people should stop viewing you as an abuser. Furthermore, you behave like a petulant child in a freestyle rap by calling your abuse victim and “old bitch” and claiming that everyone in the industry has fucked her:

Wow, Hemingway would be jealous over such poetry. UGH. Anyway, it is clear at this point that Brown is a messed up individual, who probably at some point been abused himself. I can’t change what happened to him, what he continues to do to Rihanna (and what she allows him to do to her), and what he continues to do to himself, which is to delude himself about who he really is. Since I can’t change any of that, it would probably be unwise to devote this blog entire post to him. What I’m going to do with the rest of this post is address his fans, #TeamBreezy, most of whom are female, or at least the vocal ones are. Because it is deeply troubling that they’re rabidly devoted to him as though he’s this wonderful guy, so it makes sense for them to spend their hard earned money on his albums and concert tickets, and to believe that abuse is simply at best ,an “oopsie” and at worst, sexually attractive. So I implore you, #TeamBreezy, STOP SUPPORTING CHRIS BROWN AND ASK SOMEONE TO GIVE YOU A DAMN HUG.

Believe me, there are people out there who deserve your support. Like actual skilled people who will probably never reach 1/10ths the fame and wealth that Brown has, but are infinitely more talented than him. For instance, every single dancer at the Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater. Or that friend of yours who is a writer/painter/some other “er” and you never attend their plays, or read their blogs, or some other verb because you just don’t give a fuck to do so, but if someone speaks the truth about Brown, you’re ready to throw some ‘bows. And what about all those amazing R&B singers who get dropped from their record labels due to poor sales because you spend all your money on a guy who autotunes his way to multi-platinum sales? ALL those people deserve your support. Brown does not. 

“But he can dance!” #TeamBreezy says! So can a lot of people. Thanks to shows like America’s Best Dance Crew  and So You Think You Can Dance we have proof that like half of Asia’s population is fluent in pop locking. What Brown does is not special if two billion people are doing it. Sorry. Also, unless you think you’d enjoy him to soft shoeing all over your face like he’s Savion Glover in Bring in ‘Da Noise, Bring in ‘Da Funk during Thanksgiving dinner because you didn’t purchase the right brand of cranberry sauce, then go gaga over this guy who dances instead:

“But he can sing!” #TeamBreezy proclaims. Mmmm, his vocal talents are subpar at best. Holler at me after you check out Al Green, Donny Hathaway, D’Angelo, Bilal and then try to tell me that Brown is really a singer. Honestly, between his limited vocal range and his frequent use of autotune, he’s not really singing, so you’re wasting your money to listen to a producer tweak his voice. Save your money as I’ll only charge you one dollar to come over to my apartment watch me stand in front of my fan and sing as I hit my throat. It’s pretty much the same thing as listening to Brown.

“But he made a mistake!” #TeamBreezy cries. You know that’s what guilty bitches on Law & Order: SVU say as the violin soundtrack plays in the background and the camera zooms in on their face. What Chris Brown did WAS NOT A FUCKING MISTAKE!!!!!!!! Read and reread this excerpt from People magazine:

According to the notes taken by Detective De Shon Andrews, blood filled Rihanna’s mouth. Brown, 19, allegedly told her, “I’m going to beat the s— out of you when we get home. You wait and see!” Rihanna called her assistant and left a message saying, “I am on my way home. Make sure the cops are there when I get there.” The police notes say that prompted Brown to reply: “You just did the stupidest thing ever. Now I’m really going to kill you.”

The report also says that Brown bit Rihanna and put her in a headlock, and that she almost lost consciousness.

Saying your going to murder someone in this kind of situation is a mistake? Really? Wow, if only Rihanna realized this while she was getting choked out that this was totes a mistake, she probably would have just chillaxed. Jeez, #TeamBreezy, quit turning a blind eye to this shit and read the facts according to AtHealth.com. Fact: women “experience about 4.8 million intimate partner related physical assaults and rapes” every year. Fact: in 2007, “intimate partner abuse resulted in 2,340 deaths.” 70% of those victims were female. Fact: in 1995, “the medical care, mental health services and lost productivity (e.g., time away from work) cost of domestic violence was $5.8 billion dollars. Wow. So, #TeamBreezy, please tell me exactly where the mistakes are in these numbers. Tell me which were accidents. Tell me which of those abusers deserves our sympathy. Maybe reading facts aren’t enough. Then look at this picture for thirty seconds without turning away:

This is what the guy you defend, find sexually attractive, give money to, this is what he did. Imagine it’s not some pop star in that picture, but your best friend, your mom, your sister, someone you work with. Would you still be screaming with glee at the top of your lungs if you saw the guy who did this? Would you still want to smell the tank that he threw into the audience? I doubt it. So take your head out of your ass, please. Get some help to figure out why mentally what he did doesn’t register as horrible to you. Hmm, you’re still not convinced, #TeamBreezy?

Okay, okay, even you still like him (I don’t know why) and still think his music is good (I don’t know how), stop PUBLICLY jerking him off:

First of all Sheahater, you look like a 47 year old retired WNBA player, so I’m pretty sure Chris Brown would not be into you anyway. Second of all, your profile pic is you posing in front of a floral shower curtain that looks like a caftan Ms. Cleo wore in her infomercials. Third of all, please know that if Chris Brown wants to go to fight, your fists better have the strength of a chorus line of women doing kegels to defend yourself. And even then, you might not make it out alive.

And before you say this is an isolated incident, #TeamBreezy, it’s not:

Twitter is littered with comments like this. So flippant, so clueless as to what domestic violence. How devastating it can be. I’ve never suffered from it, but I don’t think you need to experience the daily terror of “Is this going to be the moment where I’m going to get punched?” and “What will I tell everyone about the bruises?” to realize it’s not a game. That physical abuse isn’t foreplay leading up to the best sex of your life. That getting and showing off to the world a tattoo that will no doubt remind your victim of what you did to them is a goddamn fucking disgrace and mentally abusive to said victim. #TeamBreezy, this is what you’re encouraging. Please stop. Stop. Stop.

Tags: Chris Brown, Domestic Violence, Entertainment, Rihanna, Women