Scarlett Johansson. Two Broke Girls‘ Kat Dennings. Princess Kate Middleton. What do all these ladies have in common? They’re showing their silver dollar pancake nipples and boobies to the world. Whether it’s an “accidental” photo leak to get attention, or someone hacked into their phone, or paparazzi straight up hid behind a tree and took the pictures, famous White lady boobs are everywhere to the delight of plenty of guys and some women. And since nekked pics are becoming more and more of a trend amongst Hollywood starlets and other famous women, I figured I’d provide some dos and donts about the world of chesticle portraiture.
(Note: this post is slightly NSFW. So please don’t allow yourself to get caught reading this when you should be autosumming in Excel.)
DO: Make sure the pictures are tasteful. Think Kate Winslet in Titantic and less:
During the painting scene in the movie, Kate was nekked, but still wearing her finest jewels: the Heart of the Ocean necklace. So do it up! Put on your finest pearls or a flower in your hair a la Billie Holliday. However, under no circumstances are you allowed to rock a scrunchie like Honey Boo Boo’s mama in the above gif.
DON’T: Be too classy with it and put spectacles on for a titty shot. Apparently, The Newsroom‘s Allison Pill didn’t get this memo:
Is it necessary to look like you’re a middle school teacher reading sheet music to underprivileged youth in an inspirational Disney movie? No, it is not. Take off the damn glasses.
DO: When the pictures are made public, don’t let people shame you. If someone tries to do that, then respond with the following:
DON’T: On the off chance that the nekked pics get out to the general public, don’t HAVE YOUR FACE IN THE SHOT. I don’t care if you gotta use a fern, a Phantom of the Opera mask, or have a turtleneck dickie pulled over your face, don’t let us see your head. Because once that picture has been seen by e’erybody, you can NEVER ever use that photo again if you date someone new. Your new boyfriend will know your lazy ass just Ctrl C & V’d that pic of you after you got the Jennifer Aniston “Rachel” haircut into a blank text message. No way you can pretend that photo is current.
DO: Take multiple pics until you get it right. If you’re not doing this after every shot:
Then you’re being cocky and think you’ve nailed. You haven’t.
DON’T: Sunbathe nude if you’re famous (like Princess Kate did, for example) because the paparazzi will creep out of nowhere like the alien from Aliens:
And snap the photos of you that will pay for his electricity bill, Trader Joe’s groceries, and car note for the month. Although, I’ve never done it, I get the purpose of sunbathing topless. It’s annoying to have tan lines like you’re a 1970s porn star actress. However, I think it’s probably way more annoying knowing that more people at CVS has seen tatas than all your movies.
DO: Make sure your body is on point. Taking amateur nudie pics is like preparing for a Blue Book exam. With those tests, you cram one hundred pages worth of info into your brain the night before and with nekked pics, you better buy a Jane Fonda-esque leotard and join the gym seven days prior the photo shoot to do some cardio, downward dog, and squats.
And just like with a Blue Book exam, you forget everything you learned as soon as the test is over, after your amateur nudie pic sesh, you can put on your sweatpants and be like:
Until then, no carbs for you.
DON’T: Have nekked ass pictures of you just chilling in your phone. That’s like having a six pack of San Pellegrino sparkling limonata in your fridge when you have house guests over. It doesn’t matter that you hid them in the back of the fridge behind a bag of arugula. Expect that people will find that shit and drink every last drop. Same with your phone. Cuz even if you name the folder that contains your pictures the most boring shit possible like “New Hampshire” that basically translates to “Please Don’t Look Here, Eyes of a Stranger” to nosy bitches and boom! Your nips are now on Google.
DO: Be somewhat famous before you accidentally “leak” a nekked pic of yourself. All the women I have listed are established actresses or princesses so when leaks happen, they tend to be a strategic publicity move. So, if you still work at Sonic, owe $27,000 in student loans, and have to creep up to random bitches at H&M and be like:
And then whip out your phone to show those people the nekked photos of yourself, it’s clear that only you and your cousin Pookie and Nem give a damn about the pictures. So find a way to become famous in the next few years, take some pics, and then leak those photos the year you’re nominated for an Emmy.
DON’T: Allow nekked photos of you to get out while your father is still alive. Because even though he might play it cool when he’s around you like it doesn’t bother him, on the inside, he’s giving you the side eye like:
Because when you were a kid, your pops did not take time out of his life to play pretend tea with you and your teddy bears, so twenty-five years later, you could put your chichis on display like a cookie sheet full of buttery croissants.
A’ight, I hope these tips helped not only the famous White ladies out there, but e’ery lady, especially the ones on #TeamBlaria. Now, go forth and send a nekked jpeg of yourself the right way and I’ll see y’all next week as we celebrate the six month anniversary of Blaria next Thursday with the launch of the Blaria Podcast:
With stand up comedian and MTV 2′s Guy Code star, Damien Lemon:
Have a wonderful weekend!
SO helpful. I really like the fern tip.
Lol. I do what I can.