Model/actress/former Hugh Grant piece Elizabeth Hurley and common damn sense must be mortal enemies like my face grease vs. a touchscreen phone because this bitch has released her line of children’s swimwear and it’s pretty much ideal for parents who always wanted to turn their child’s walk down a sandy beach to an Italian ice cart into a ho stroll. Hurley has defended the swim line against the outrage from advocacy groups by stating that the swimsuits are “great for girls who want to look grown up — but rest assured they are still well covered:”
Really? Hurley saying these girls are well covered is like when a college sophomore pops a birth control pill into her mouth in front of her mom and pretends that shit was just aspirin. Basically, you’re lying to yourself because your mama ain’t dumb and my eyeballs work. These girls are scantily clad and if you think pedophiles aren’t checking out these kids like a woman staring at cable-knit sweater from Lord & Taylor, then Ms. Hurley, you’re lying to yourself. Outside of my obvious issues with this, I have so many questions:
#1) Who in Microsoft clip art hell was responsible for these stock background images? They look ridiculously fake and hella low budget. I mean, this disguise below is way more believable than those beach backgrounds:
#2) Elizabeth Hurley, why is the brunette girl wearing that jankity ass leopard print hat on her head? She’s at the damn beach, bitch! That hat is so unnecessary, but to Hurley’s point, that is clearly for chillrens who want to look grown because that brunette girl straight up looks like Joan Collins from her Dynasty days:
#3) Am I the only slightly disturbed by the blonde girl having the coy and sassy stare and hands on the hip pose combo? I know you have to look somewhat friendly to sale things to kids. But maybe it doesn’t have to be so “come hither” and more like the disinterested trick at Chipotle who fails to properly fold my burrito, so there’s corn and sour cream spilling everywhere. Just a nice “I’m over this mess” glint in the eye.
#4) Why the hell is Hurley’s swim line all over the place? She’s basically saying there’s no in-between because it’s either this:
WTF?! No nine year old wants to look like a Connecticut WASP who crafted herself the closest thing she could to a dashiki, so she could relate to her Black Friend.
Despite all the joking, there is a serious problem here. These swimsuits are just another example of the sexualization of girls. And this isn’t me being a prude here. Hurley said this line is for young girls who want to look grown. I get that. We’ve all played dress up in our parents home. Put on mom’s skirt or for boy, they throw on dad’s wingtip shoes. However, this goes beyond that innocence. The “grown” here is sexuality. What exactly is the purpose of a five year old wearing a two-piece leopard print bikini? What part of that “growness” does a five year old need to experience right now? The fact that girls looking grown automatically = tons of exposed skin and small as possible is alarming. However, more often than not, a boy looking grown is this:
Quite a difference, isn’t it? Look, I know some people reading this might be thinking, “Get over it!” But the thing is I can’t. And you shouldn’t be over it either. The way that the way society encourages girls and boys to act grown is different. Boys will be placed in suits and ties, pretending as though they are some high-powered man. Yet girls are mainly encouraged to emulate the way grown ass women attract male attention. Look at Toddlers & Tiaras. They’re portraying grown women and apparently in these child pageants what constitutes a child pageant is wearing a shit ton of makeup, tiny clothing, and dancing and prancing around. Really? That’s what being a grown woman is? Not being intelligent, funny, or interesting, but just a sum of physical features and body parts? I mean, that’s really fucked up. Sorry that’s not eloquently put, but it’s the realest rawest truth. It’s FUCKED. UP.
It’s bad enough that teenage girls and women are constantly bombarded with images of barely clothed women. Just empty vessels who are to be fucked and jizzed in and on. Just a sum of flesh and bone whose value is how physically attractive you can be and nothing else. Heck, every woman I k now – EVERY SINGLE WOMAN – is probably more obsessed with her looks than she should be. We all have believed at one time that were gross, fat, ugly when we are not. And even if a woman is fat that doesn’t mean she ain’t shit But women (fat or not) are made to feel like shit if they’re not as toned as someone like Halle Berry or Jennifer Aniston. I’m twenty-eight; I can handle those self-shaming thoughts and dismiss them. I’m pretty sure some seven year old girl lacks the critical thinking skills I have and cannot. So, Elizabeth Hurley and all you other fucktards out there, how about we let a girl’s uterine lining drop at least fucking once before you’re try and teach her to sexualize herself. Sidenote: Yes, I know men are sexualized as well, but until I see a seven year old boy rocking a speedo and a Davy Crockett coonskin hat and it’s marketed as “just a boy wanting to be grown,” it’s not anywhere nearly the same as what women go through on a daily freaking basis. THE END.
So, in closing, hell yes, I think these swimsuits are extremely inappropriate and trifling and if I had a daughter, there’s no way she would be wearing one of them. And to anyone who’s like, “These swimsuits are cute. You’re crazy. I mean,why don’t you just dress your daughter in a burka then?” I’d say, “Fuck you, for obviously missing the point and I’m sorry that me asking that little girls not be turned into sexual objects is annoying you. You know what else is totes annoying ? When your teenager is dating some piece of shit dude because she only values herself based on how dudes view her sexually. So look forward to that, ya dumb fuck.” Haha. Okay, the “dumb fuck” was harsh. But dammit if it ain’t accurate.
Alrighty, #TeamBlaria, come back tomorrow as we celebrate the six month anniversary of the blog with the launch of the Blaria podcast! Whoo-hoo!