Hey, #TeamBlaria, ‘sup? I got home from LA a few days ago and my birthday festivities are done-zo, so I’m back to the land of the living. When I arrived to the LOTL, I found out that I’m late to the party. Because I just learned that Facebook is in the process of adding users’ searches to their Activity Log. Long story short: I’M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. Sure, right now your Activity Log isn’t visible to anyone except you, but we all know that Facebook has a penchant for snitching and one Wifi damn if we’re pissed about it:
Look at FB chat. Back in the day, you could receive people’s messages and if you felt like it, you could ignore them and then be like, “OMG! I’m just really bad at Facebook messaging, you guys. We still fwends?” (Don’t act like I’m the only one who has done that.) Now, FB gives you a damn time stamp receipt of when someone reads the instant message you sent. And e’erybody is turning into the sassy librarian from their past by throwing on a cardigan, pushing their imaginary bifocals up the bridge of their nose and going, “Bitch, please. You’re just now responding to me? I wrote you last Tuesday at 7:37p.” So, it’s clearly only a matter of time before FB decides to make users’ Activity Log public and that’s not okay.
Sure, on one hand, it would be cool to find out who is FB stalking me:
But on the other hand, it would be embarrassing for people to know that I’m stalking them in order to see if their life is better than mine:
Look, I know Facebook is a great place for reconnecting with old friends, keeping in touch with potential business contacts, and promoting whatever entrepreneurial endeavors one may have, blah, blah, blah; but let’s be real, if we couldn’t be nosy ass bitches and rummage through the internet lives of others, then the number of Facebookers would look a lot like my refrigerator the night before my parents come to visit:
So Mark Zuckerberg & Co., please understand and accept that stalking is an integral part of Facebook and stop doing things like changing the Activity Log in an attempt to cockblock people. It only makes us angry. Well, not angry enough to quit FB, of course, because I, like many folks, need the crack. And like all crackheads, I’m willing to let you abuse me if you continue giving me my fix. So, Facebook, here are some reasons why I’m begging you to keep FB as God intended: shady as hell:
#1) Say you like someone, but they’re in a tumultuous relationship. That’s sad, but also you’re like “Hallelujer,” (which is the way Southern preachers say it) because you’re basically counting down to when they break up and you can give the object of your desire a warm hug with your thighs. And chances are that if the person you’re into hasn’t been beat with the ugly stick, there are bound to be other peeps interested in your crush. So the only way you can ensure you’re the first one to give your crush an “it gets better” woven gift basket of your genitals (#gross) is by staying on stop of the story aka going to his/her Facebook page on the reg. You can’t do that, however; if FB is going to alert e’erybody that you’re creepin’.
#2) On the flip side, you’ve been dumped and you decide to update your Facebook page with a new fabulous and fierce profile picture. You ex sees it and comments about how great you look and you’re staring back at the computer screen like, “I know:”
#3) HIGH. SCHOOL. If you were a geek, you want to see who from the popular crew fell off and is now fugly. If you were in the popular crew, you’re trying to hold on to old memories, by typing, “Remember that time at Applebee’s…,” when in all reality, that shit happened ten years ago and if that one time at Applebee’s is still in the highlight reel of your life, then you probably need to need to do something with yourself. Anyway, the point is that Facebook is basically like the Dow Jones for broke bitches. Most people don’t have Rupert Murdoch money to invest in Apple stocks, but they can emotionally invest in the knowledge that the trick who bullied them in high school is wearing a busted ass weave:
And that’s it, Facebook. This is why we use you. Hoping that a schadenfreude confetti will rain down on us to brighten our day. It can also be a lust confetti. Or a “You go, gurl!” confetti. All I know is some type of colored paper will fall in my ‘fro during a Facebook stalking sesh. Don’t take this away from me and the rest of the FBers. Let us stay shady and stop snitching because I will cut you. Love you. Mean it.