Y’all, a twenty year old Brazilian woman named Caterina Migliorini is currently putting her vacuum-sealed vagina up for auction like it’s a mint condition Derek Jeter rookie baseball card and selling her virginity to the highest bidder in order to raise money for her struggling hometown of Santa Catarina. Oh, for fucks sake, Catarina,
And vaginas are very nice things and you should value it instead of selling your cooch on VirginsWanted.com like Alec Baldwin’s character from Glengarry Glen Ross just put the fear of God in you:
Let’s put the jokes aside for a second and get some background information. Virgins Wanted is not only a website, but it’s a documentary which follows around Catarina and a dude name Alex Sepanov, who is also planning on losing his virginity via an auction. We’ll get to him in a second. Virgins Wanted has a lot of people on the internet screaming exploitation. As ridiculous as this losing virginity through an auction is, I don’t quite buy it. These are grown ass people who are making a conscious decision to sell their bodies because they will get global attention and money for it. So this is less exploitation and more this how some people in 2012 wanna make a quick buck. Look at the quote from Catalina during an interview with Folha, a newspaper in San Paolo:
“I saw this as a business. I have the opportunity to travel, to be part of a movie and get a bonus with it. This [money] will make a big difference to my area.”
Oh, I forgot to mention, one of the stipulations for sexing on her is having sex on a flight to America from Australia. Le sigh. Again, Catarina, there are so many other opportunities one can get to travel. Like credit cards. Or being invited to someone’s wedding. Or studying abroad. Anyway, we have more important things to talk about. For starters, let me dispel whatever fantasies you think may happen, girl. You and the highest bidder are not going to meet in front of the beverages and snack cart as the flight attendant is passing around toasted peanuts and do this:
Because if this dude is anything like me, he’ll fall asleep five minutes into the in-flight movie Eat, Pray, Love and you’ll end up having to do this:
But in all seriousness, the first time you have sex is going to be on a plane?! That’s some next level shit and you’re so not ready for that at all because you’re probably going to have to do it in the bathroom. Standing up. You should probably master being boned while lying down without going, “Ow, ow, ow,” stutter style for seven minutes like you’re Nicki Minaj before you engage in pretzel-shaped sex in a tiny ass bathroom. I mean, Cat, there’s a reason why all movies and TV shows about losing virginity happen after prom at hotels. Best Western pillows provide cushion for your tush and are the perfect thing to bite while some dude mashes his bits into your crotch. But nay, you say, Catarina, nay! You think dry humping is like taking AP English in high school, so you can skip the freshman English course in college aka lie down intercourse. It’s not. Biiiiiiiiitch, you and your vadge need freshmen year English. Trust me.
Second thing we need to address, Cat, is this statement you queefed out your mouth hole in the same interview to Folha:
“For me, it’s not prostitution. When someone does something once in his or her life, this is not considered a profession.”
Cue the reaction of e’erybody in the free world:
Because this is straight up prostitution, dude. Just because you didn’t fill out a W-9 form, which in the case of prostitution is just not having your parents love you for the first eighteen years of your life, doesn’t mean you weren’t tootin’ (my abbrev for prostitution) for a hot second. So stop fooling yourself.
Third, let’s look at the thirteen bids received:
Some props need to be given to Edson Raimundo for basically letting the whole world know, “Look, I took my mason jar of change to the nearest Coinstar and it turned out I had seventy-two dollars in cash, so fuck it. That’s all I have to give.” No shame in that game. If I were you, Cat, I’d just give him a HJ for at least being honest about where the fuck he is in his life.
Now, let’s take a quick detour and check in on the bidding for the guy, Alex:
Oh, dear, the numbers are a hot mess. Probably because his facial situation is this:
And coupled with the fact that his peen has zero mileage on it, means the bids look like the combination of first month, last month, and security deposit on a shitty Craigslist apartment. Besides the numbers being so utterly low, my fav part is that on Sep. 23rd, one person bid $1,280 and then FIVE DAYS LATER, five tricks were like, “Um, bitch, you are overbidding on that dude,” and put up less like Alex is gonna go, “You’re right. My dick ain’t worth shit. I will take the lowest bid I receive.”
Okay, enough with the jokes. Let’s get real for a second. This entire project is insane. The fact that a woman’s virginity is worth nearly 200k and counting is not only absurd, but just goes to show how twisted and disturbing the concept of female virginity is in this world. Like spending a college tuition to have sex with a female virgin is money well spent, but not so much for dudes. How? Because you were her first? I don’t think so. Not only is it creepy to be obsessed with being the first to deflower a woman, but NEWSFLASH: having sex with a virgin – male or female – isn’t awesome. Virgins aren’t good at sex! They don’t know what they’re doing. They’re awkward and nervous. That’s probably part of the reason people say, “Wait until you’re in love.” Because if virgins are just running around having virgin sex with each other without giving a damn about each other, they’d be like, “What the hell kind of jankity ass shit is? This is bullshit.” But when you love the person, you’re like, “This is bullshit, but you make me pancakes sometimes, so we can figure this shit out together.”
But I know what this really about. Society likes to act as if when one deflowers a female virgin, you are “turning her into a woman,” as though she wasn’t a woman before she met your peen. That’s what the obsession is. It’s certain men having their ego stroked by believing their penises are magical and are the final barrier between us gals and official womanhood. How patronizing. It’s like, “Sure, you’re a woman, but c’mon, have you ever been FUCKED BY A DICK? No? Then you’re just a little girl.” Yet this notion isn’t true for male virgins, is it? When a guy loses his virginity, it’s “You’re a man because you fucked a woman,” but with a woman, it’s “You got fucked by a man, so now you are a woman.” Women have to receive the fucking from men to be validated as women. Give me a break and get over yourselves, fellas. We don’t need your magical peen wand to turn us into ladies. I think we’ve done a pretty good job of asserting our womanhood simply by existing.