Like an über veiny one that’s discolored and leans to the left like Michael Jackson in the Smooth Criminal video because just like a pair of irregular jeans, a jankity peen will still do the job, especially in this situation. And what situation would make me demand that a college play Hot Cross Buns on the bologna flute, you ask. Well, if you haven’t heard by now, some dingbat at Miami University thought it be hilarz to give helpful tips about rape. Because when you are moving away from home for the first time, there are things you need to know how to do, which luckily, you can learn at colleges. Like balancing a checkbook. Or that eating an entire box of Entenmann’s sticky buns in one sitting will def make you constipated and force your roommate to wipe your forehead down with a damp washcloth like she’s a nurse during the Korean War. And, of course, that raping is totes hard sometimes, so it would nice if someone came out with a PowerPoint presentation complete with whooshing sounds and flying graphics to give advice how to make easier sexual assault to do. Well, young men of America, you’re in luck because while there isn’t a PP available, someone at MU had sense to get to click clacking in Microsoft Word and help out all those budding rapists in hope of getting their big break by creating a flyer called Top Ten Ways to Get Away With Rape and post it a dorm, McBride Hall:
My favorite tip would have to be number four: “If a woman is sleeping with her window open, sneak in and rape her to teach her to never do that again.” For real? Rapes teach lessons? I guess in this case, the lesson would be, “That’ll teach you for liking to wake up to morning dew on your windowsill like a scene out of a Nicholas Sparks movie. Dumb bitch.” Since when has liking morning dew and being raped come prepackaged like a 2 for 1 DVD set from the $10 bin at Wal-Mart? I think the answer is probably never.
But wait!! Apparently, this is all one big joke, at least that’s what some people are saying. Oh, in that case, IT’S NOT FUCKING FUNNY because anyone with half an ounce of sense knows that threatening to slit a woman’s throat so she can’t report the sexual assault to the police is not HAHAHAHA. SO FUNNY. LOLZ. HIGH FIVE, BRO!!! Instead, most people will react like this to that horribly unfunny “joke:”
And Miami University, unfortunately, responded by doing this:
Because, according to Cincinnati.com‘s article regarding the incident:
“Barbara Jones, Miami’s vice president for student affairs, said the incident didn’t merit sending out an alert to students because it didn’t pose an immediate threat.”
I hate to do this, but I’m putting Barbs second in line on the peen sucking behind the psychopath who created this list, because how does this not warrant a school wide alert?!?!?!? Because the guy only posted this list in one dorm? Because you didn’t walk in on a guy dangling his peen over a potential sexual assault victim, the way one dangles a string of yawn in front of a cat’s face? Because Law and Order’s SVU‘s Mariska Hargitay hasn’t rolled up on campus in a Sears pantsuit looking for evidence? I mean, for goodness’ sake, twenty-seven on-campus sexual assaults have been reported between 2009-2011 and less than a month ago, a female MU student was sexually assault near campus. LESS A MONTH AGO! And as we all know, a lot of the times, rape victims never come forward, so who knows what the actual numbers are. So, tell me what about this situation did not warrant a campus wide alert?
Despite this glaring blunder, I will say that some action was taken: MU had a mandatory meeting with all the male students living in McBride Hall (hope there were snacks!), more po-po on campus, a police investigation (Mariska, it turns out MU might need you, gurl) and “internal disciplinary action.” K, if “internal disciplinary action” isn’t code for, “When we find the sumbitch who did this, we’re going to give him five across the peen (that’s a dick punch for those not in the know) and kick his ass outta this school,” then
Because what MU is doing is not nearly good enough. Like what is going on in this world where school officials would rather sweep something this insane under the rug than address it? If the resident adviser who discovered this hadn’t posted a picture of the flyer on Facebook, so Miami University students could see this, would the school have taken this much action? Maybe, maybe not. Don’t think we’ll ever know. But what I do know that this country has the most fucked up way of dealing with rape. Between Rep. Todd Akin literally believing that if a woman gets pregnant via rape, she can totally just ctrl + alt + del the sperm to now MU kind of being like, “Just chillax, y’all.” I’m sorry that rape is uncomfortable for the non-victims. I’m sorry that having a conversation about rape is just all icky and eww-y and totes makes Miami University seems like less of a cool school. I’m sorry that like female safety is a thing you have to thing about because the women aren’t master of self-defense. Like, fucking duh! Just take a class or two so the heads of MU can continue to turn a blind eye and shuffle papers around and not care about your safety. Actually, I’m
About any of that because rape. Ain’t. About. You. It’s about the sexual assault victims and they shouldn’t be marginalized and any kind of threats like someone passing out fliers to help out future rapists should be treated like a community issue where everyone knows what’s going on. So, Miami University, take your head out of your ass. Deal with the horror that is happening in front your eyes and take legitimate action. Have a campus-wide discussion about sexual assault for both women and men. It’s not enough to put the fear of Jesus into women and make them think they’re always on the verge of being raped. There also needs to be a conversation with men. Don’t beef up campus police just for the next two weeks to pacify the outraged people. Beef up campus police indefinitely. Hire someone to fill the university’s sexual assault prevention coordinator position that you’ve left vacant for the over a YEAR. Act like you give a damn and quit treating this situation like a joke because I’ve got like at twenty-eight women who’d tell you otherwise, bro.
