#TeamBlaria, I’m almost thirty and I have reached a point in my life where I am simply over Halloween. I no longer find joy in throwing ‘bows at tricks to get the last overpriced colored wig. I have no desire to dress as a slutty cop or sanitation worker. And finally, I refuse to call whatever crazy ass drink you made by its fun Halloween name like Pinkeye because it’s the color pink and you have plastic eye balls floating in it. Bitch, it’s a bunch of hard liquor with some Hawaiian Punch thrown in for good measure. In short, I am officially a sour puss regarding this holiday. However, just because I’m over it doesn’t mean I should be selfish and not impart my wisdom onto y’all about Hallowizzle. So, without further adieu, here are my dos and don’ts for celebrating Halloween as an adult.
DO: Put all other bitches to shame. Doing Halloween at my age or older is like your favorite rock band going on tour. The Rolling Stones are performing at Madison Square Garden, not at a coffee shop over the sounds of an espresso machine running. And you probably want to let everyone know you still got it, too! So be elaborate, be over the top, and maybe a lil hot, so every person who sees you will have to begrudgingly give you props:
DON’T: Be a lazy bitch. Put some effort into your costume! Just because it’s homemade or last minute, doesn’t mean you don’t have to do something that makes you proud or laugh…in a good way. So, fellas, that means no putting on your childhood Spiderman mask and then just wearing your regular “I’m going to the barbershop” clothes. Instead, treat a couple of your friends like the mice in Cinderella and have them help you out together a costume, so when you’re ready to leave your house, you feel like:
DO: Eat the fuck out of all the candy that comes your way. And be proud about it. This is the one time of year where grown ass adults can go ape shit over Jolly Ranchers and incur zero judgement. The rest of the time we have to be responsible and eat salads and quinoa. So on Halloween, go to the bank, the dentist’s office, work and take allllllllllllll that free candy that you can shove into your pockets. Then when you get home or to your cubicle, lay the candy bounty out before you and go:
DON’T: Ladies/fellas, if you remember rubbing it out to any of the Boy Meets World cast members during their prime (obvs, I’m talking about Topanga & Shawn), then YOUR ASS IS TOO DAMN OLD TO BE TRICK AND FUCKING TREATING. Repeat after me:
Seriously, adults shouldn’t hear knocking on the door, open it, and then see your face, which is in the early stages of crow’s feet. Be the grown up that you are, go to Duane Reade on a Tuesday, use your Balance Rewards card when you buy a bag of Butterfingers, so you put those points towards some Colgate toothpaste in the future.
DO: In the immortal words of our generation’s Stephen Hawking, Tyra Banks:
Look, we all know that Halloween is the hoe stroll for bitches who don’t work the actual hoe stroll, but work the Lean Cuisine cubicle stroll as in heating up that frozen Chicken Alfredo and then shuffling their asses back to their desk at work. So it’s only natural for ladies to want to let that inner freak out the one time of year where they know that no one will judge them as a person for showing a lil booty cheek, but not the whole damn cheek. You’re not a honey glazed ham on display at Boston Market. Leave a sliver of mystery.
DON’T: Dress as Marilyn Monroe. The concept is tired as hell. It’s 2012 and we’ve all seen enough pictures and footage of her. Every ounce of boners have been boned over her. For real, the average dude’s peen does this when he sees a low budget chick in a Ricky’s blonde wig and white dress:
And none of your girlfriends are in the mood to wait while you clop across the street in your hooker heels and pose over a subway grate in hope of a gust of wind to blow your dress up, so we can your Hanes Her Way underoos. Use your brain and go as something else!
DO: Understand that not e’erybody may celebrate Halloween (i.e. me and Jehovah Witnesses), so try and tone it down and keep your happy to yourself. So when someone tells you Halloween is not their thing, on the outside go:
Even if on the inside you’re like:
DON’T: This goes out to all the executives who read Blaria. DO NOT, under any circumstances, make a company holiday party. There’s nothing sadder than seeing a sixty year old Black man from Accounts Payable go as Jimi Hendrix every damn year as if there are no other notable Blacks in the world.
DO: If you are single, you’re probably going to a Halloween party in hopes of getting laid. To do that, you’re obviously going to bring your Michael Jordan Game 7 fire aka titties out and booty pout (sorry, I needed a word to rhyme with “out,” but for real, that could probably be a song one day: “Girl, I wanna see that booty pout, that booty pout/Lemme see that booty pout, that booty pout). Anyway, the point is that trying to find a hookup at a Halloween party is like buying a sweater that is 70%: all. Sales. Final. So be smart and ask the dude you like to take off his mask at some point before you’re drunk, so you can see what he looks like and hopefully, your vagina will be overjoyed like this:
And not be disappointed like:
DON’T: Make people go to haunted houses with you. Seriously, FUCK HAUNTED HOUSES AND THE PEOPLE WHO’VE MADE ME GO WITH THEM. That shit is not fun. Walking in a straight line and be scared by mofos dressed in masks and full body black bodysuits and jumping out at me is the worst thing of all time. I don’t enjoy almost peeing on myself for ten minutes straight. So the next time a buddy of mine tries to get me to go to a haunted house, I’mma go and the first time I’m scared, I will turn on each and every damn light in that house and do this to the person who scared me:
Alrighty, I hope these dos and don’ts were helpful, now get out there and slut up! Happy Halloween from lil miss curmudgeon!