#TeamBlaria, I don’t know about y’all, but I’m super excited about this upcoming season of American Idol. I know, I know; the show is past its prime like one of my favorite wrestling stars from my childhood, Ric Flair:
who is in his early 60s and still showing off his charbroiled chesticles like he doesn’t know the world has eyeballs and mouths with the ability to become a fountain of flavor aka vomit. So yes, like Flair, AI is old and has lost a lot of its luster, but I’ve been watching it since before I lost my virginity (the show premiered in 2002, so I was only 17, you nosy heifers), so when you’ve been with something this long, you wanna stick it out until the very bitter and sad end. But the end won’t be bitter or sad because Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj have joined the judge’s panel this year and they’ve been feuding since day one. With all the back and forth, leaked videos of Minaj cussing Carey out, and countless bloggers picking sides, I think the only way to solve this beef before the show begins airing next Wednesday is to have a GIF showdown and see who reigns supreme. So let’s get to it, shall we?
BEST DRAMATIC MOMENT THAT WOULD MAKE A DRAG QUEEN JEALOUS
To kick things off right, we must begin with who has been in the music biz longer, so let’s take a look at Mariah:
Gotta love her for going the old school drag queen route with the long hair, mouth agape, and jumping back with her hands in the air. This move is the drag queen equivalent of a drunk girl not wanting to go home. But instead of saying, “I don’t wanna go home. I just want pizza and to dance,” the drag queen pleads, “Please don’t untuck my peen! Can we just stay out fifteen more minutes, so I can lip sync to some Beyonce?”
Onto Nicki Minaj, let’s peep her first entry into this showdown:
Holy smokes, this is awesome! What she does in this GIF gets the same reaction out of me as when I hate watch a double dutch competition on ESPN until I’m blown away by the winning team’s routine and then I’m like:
WINNER: NICKI. No contest.
BEST “OH, DON’T MIND ME, I’M JUST POPPING MY BOOTY.”
As we all know, the art of the booty tooch is it to be like the scent of cooked bacon wafting up to your room: a hint of things to come. And that’s what Mariah is doing here:
Cute and subtle, but you know what’s up. Mariah’s move is very similar to the technique I like to use, which I call the “Am I’m reaching towards the top of kitchen cabinet to find the last packet of Orville Redenbacher popcorn OR am I just showing off my tush? But for real, you’re a moron, if you don’t realize that I’m trying to show you my booty cheeks.”
Now, here’s Nicki:
Um, do I need to say anything here? The GIF speaks for itself.
WINNER: NICKI. Normally, I’d rewarded the more subtle of the booty pops (Mariah’s) because I’m from the Midwest and I’m modest like that, but Nicki’s bidonk, implants or not, is cray and Mimi, no offense, kind of suffers from Nosital (aka no ass at all).
IGNORANT THING MOST LIKELY TO CAUSE OLD BLACK LADIES ACROSS AMERICUH TO THINK “I DIDN’T MARCH ON WASHINGTON SO YOU COULD DO THIS SHIT.”
After accepting an award, Nicki thanks her fans and record label then proceeds to call out other rappers in the game by telling them to
Nicki, do you think that when mofos were slacking on the Underground Railroad, Harriet Tubman went all Ari Gold from Entourage on them and said this so they would work harder? Of course not. And she probably could’ve considering getting the Underground Railroad together is far more of an arduous task than making a rap album. Instead, H. Tubs wiped the sweat from her bonnet and said, “Guys, can you please…” followed by an exasperated sigh like she was trying to get them to agree on where to order take out. So if Harriet can not get fired up in public, then so can you, Nicki.
Hey Mariah, what are you up…oh:
JUST CHECKING FOR AND THEN SNIFFING YOUR TITTY SWEAT WHILE BEING INTERVIEWED ON LARRY KING LIVE. Mimi, what the hell are you thinking to let someone film you doing that? You couldn’t wait for a commercial break? Or hide it better by bowing your head as though you’re praying to Mecca, but really you’re doing a quick sniff test on your boobs? Or just not do it at all? I mean, boobs are pretty low-maintenance, so quit treating them like a three day old gyro sandwich that you need to smell to decide if you’re going to eat it or not.
WINNER: MARIAH. Because her cleavage crack sniff will probably inspire about seven different negro spirituals about how Black people will overcome.
BEST PROVIDER OF THE HAPPIEST DAY IN JUSTIN BIEBER’S PEEN’S LIFE.
Nicki’s up first:
Grinding with the Biebs while on what appears to be a pool diving board. This requires balance, rhythm, and a level of teamwork my eyeballs have not seen since Larry and Balki from the ’90s sitcom Perfect Strangers. I’m impressed, y’all. Let’s look at Mariah, shall we?
She’s doing what I wish the Salvation Army Christmas bell ringers would have figured out a long time ago: wear a Frederick’s of Hollywood version of a Ms. Claus dress and you will get all the boys to come to your yard.
WINNER: The Bieb’s dick. DUH! In all seriousness, I’ll have to give this to MARIAH. Because even though Nicki and Bieber are grinding, her tutu is between her butt and his peen. That like some eighth grade shit you’d see on a TV show where teachers would put a balloon in the middle of two students’ bodies. Boner killer.
BEST AMERICAN IDOL MOMENT…THUS FAR
In a recent commercial, we saw Nicki Minaj make this face while, presumably, watching an audition:
Yawn. Look, I get that Nicki’s specialty is looking like a crazy anime character, but we have seen this expression from her tons of times, so her wearing a wig that looks like it had been dipped in tri-color gelato ejaculate does not mask the fact that she’s just making one of HER default faces. I need something more, gurl!
Now onto Mariah, who is all about throwing shade at people the way folks throw good luck rice at a just married couple as they’re exiting a church. After it was announced she was going to join AI, Mariah was asked if she has been waiting to see who else was going to join her and this is her response:
WINNER: MARIAH. Because while this is not the movie Mean Girls and Regina George is not there to high five her, but I appreciate the fact that Mariah was laughing and looking to the side like one her besties was going to be there to co-sign the sass.
BEST FACE THAT COULD DOUBLE AS “THIS GON BE THE LAST THING YOU SEE BEFORE I SNATCH YOUR WEAVE” FACE
First up, is Ms. Mimi:
and she’s doing the classic, “Since we’re in CVS and I’m black and there are white people around, I can’t go to town on your ass, but I will cuss you out like I did my boyfriend when he admitted to me that he went into my Netflix account and watched the one movie he knew I wanted us to watch together. And, oh yeah, I’m definitely not letting you use my balance rewards card, so you can get a discount on your chapstick and Vitamin Water.” Look, I know that’s a lot of info for a side eye, but when you are the master at throwing shade to bitches like Mariah is, then you can tell the whole story of Les Misérables in about five different glances tops. Let’s peep Minaj:
Y’all, this is some complex shit right here because with all of her booby shaking going on, there’s a high chance that one of them could pop out of her top, which is exciting for all peens and some vajayjays around the world, YET her face looks hella angry like someone just told her that e’ery salon is out Indian hair weaves. Hence, those peens and poons are now confused as to what to feel and I think that is a greater degree of difficulty than what Carey did, so…
WINNER: NICKI. Because her face in that GIF is how I look at 7am as I’m walking to my upstairs neighbor’s apt after she’s woken me up by blasting some damn Al Jarreau. Look, I have nothing against the dude; my pops used to listen to him all the time when I was growing up. But the first thing I wanna hear in the morning is not this beige mofo scatting about dancing on the roof:
OVERALL WINNER: Based on the above, it’s a tie, so I’mma have to break it based on what’s in my heart. I have to give it MARIAH CAREY Although, she’s cray cray ridic with her love of Hello Kitty and dresses that damn near show her kitty, Mariah is charming when she’s loopy AND extremely talented. So that wins out over Nicki Minaj, who is painfully calculated with a lot of her behavior/facial expressions and not nearly as talented. So here’s to you, Mimi! Accept this Blaria ruling with the swade (aka swag and shade combined) that got you to this point:
#TeamBlaria, do you agree with my decision? If not, tell me why. Love you. Mean it.