#TeamBlaria, in T-minus two days, Black History Month begins which means that on February 1st, I should be pouring out a 40 oz. in honor of my homie Harriet Tubman. Well, actually, I should fold a bonnet while humming Tha Crossroads negro spiritual style, but whatevs. If I’m going to be honest, I’m simply gonna wake up on the first of the month, open my prayer book, aka the iTunes Store, go to the “Black People Time” section better know as the R&B/Soul genre and purchase some Dionne Warwick CDs that are on sale. But let’s get Surious Cruise for a second. BHM is obvs more than just getting discount music. It’s about celebrating and appreciating the contributions that blacks have made to society. Some black peeps are going to show their props to BHM by reading books about notable blacks. But for me, since I can’t do this to George Washington Carver:
because he’s deader than dead, I have instead chosen to show my thanks for his invention of peanut butter by kneeling before the the shrine I built for him (which is just stacks of Jiffy jars and some lit peanut butter scented Glade candles) and saying, “Lord, please bless these ants on a log I just made.” Point is that e’erybody is gonna celebrate differently. Now, white people, you may not have figured out how you’re expressing your gracias, so I’d figured I’d share some Blaria-fied tips on how to do BHM right, so Al Sharpton doesn’t show up to your crib and blame you for making him sweat the perm out his hair because you got him angry as hell over your accidental racism.
DO: If you’re in an interracial relationship and your girlfriend wears a sleeping cap/du rag to bed to protect her afro, you still have to get a boner even though she looks an inmate on MSNBC’s LockUp: Raw (this is specifically for my boo, btdubs). Look, the other eleven months of the year, I have to be effortlessly pretty during sexy times at the detriment of my hair because after sexy times is over, I’m too tired to do anything with it before I go to sleep. These twenty-eight days are the only chance I have to properly take care of my hair before bed. That doesn’t mean that I don’t understand that looking like I’m about to play a game of pick up basketball with Master P makes your peen wanna hide away from the world like when you’re drunk and can’t sign into your checking account online because you’ve forgotten the password:
Buuuuuuuuuuut, it’s time for you to take one for the team like you’re Tito Jackson and Joe Jackson just told you that you’re not singing lead on I Want You Back.” Suck it up and pretend I look pretty with the sleeping cap on.
DON’T: You and a bunch of your co-workers come over to my desk and start doing a crappy barbershop quartet rendition of Rapper’s Delight:
because I will most definitely slap the shit out of you with a pot of hot grits. BHM is not daylight’s saving time; you don’t need to set your Pandora station to The Sugarhill Gang or Earth, Wind, & Fire as soon as the clock strikes midnight on Feb. 1st to show that you’re down with the cause when e’erybody knows that you listen to Peter Gabriel on the reg.
DO: If you wanna address BHM at work, then make it a game. Like, two weeks before February 1st, all the black people at your job should write down all the racist things that white people don’t realize they do/say on sheets of paper, place those sheets in a big hat, and then have the white peeps pull one out and then don’t do/say that thing for a month. Let’s call it “Office Secret I’m Tired of You Confusing Me With Rakim, The Other Black Employee On Our Floor.” Okay, maybe that’s too specific a title, but you get the point.
DON’T: Have Roots queued up on Netflix because you know I’m coming over. If you do, I will snatch the remote out your hand and then do the following:
Until you get up and manually change the channel to Cake Boss.
DO: Buy every commemorative stamp you can find. I mean, the very least you can do during BHM is use a stamp of Morgan Freeman when mailing out your rent check to show that you rep for him. After all, that dude made you give a damn about penguins for like six months because he narrated March of the Penguins. Nobody was bringing up penguins in conversation before that movie came out. So show your allegiance to him because of that. I mean, if you can wear a Kobe Bryant jersey to show the world that you rep for the Lakers even though:
then you can show Morgs some love for being an audio snuggie when you watched that movie on a snowy Sunday afternoon.
DON’T: Tell me the one black person that your peen or poon would say, “Yes to the Sex” (which is obvs the spin off of the TLC show about shopping for wedding gowns “Yes to the Dress”). Honestly, you’re only saying this to get this reaction from me:
like I’m going to award you with the purple peen because you’ve found the one person in the world with melanin you’d smash when in actuality I’m going to react like we’re taking a road trip and you have the audacity to try and change the stations I programmed on my car radio:
DO: Old white people should avoid asking me dumb ass questions about Black people like I’m the spokesperson for all Black people. For example:
because I don’t give one Velcro sneaker about the fact that you are an AARP member and; therefore, society excuses your ignorance because
DON’T: Bring up how you think that black people might have started slavery while we’re watching the motherfucking Super Bowl halftime show. I can’t be distracted with your Wikipedia research when all my focus should be devoted to Beyonce shaking her boob meat, inner thigh meat, and all quadrants of her booty meat to an 808 beat. The point is don’t bring up some trifling shit that black people did to kill the buzz I’m enjoying of a black person doing something good. That’s some passive aggressive shit that a mother does when her daughter-in-law finally learns how to cook one of the dishes the mother has mastered and the mom tastes it and is like, “Good…but a little light on the paprika, no?” And the daughter goes:
In short, don’t make me hate you on the Lord’s day. And don’t you dare put your research about black people starting slavery in your email drafts folder and then send that shit me on March 19th. I ain’t stupid. I know you’ve been holding to that email since February 2nd.
Alrighty! I hope these tips help you guys have a wonderful Black History Month. Good luck, y’all!