I know; I know. That’s a grand proclamation, but I have my reasons for making such a bold statement. First of all, these dudes tuck their peens between their legs better than I can tuck my afro underneath a baseball cap. Don’t believe me? Then take a gander at Serena Chacha during the “Pose While Under Water” challenge from season five’s premiere last Monday:
as if I’m proud that I stole a couple of Brillo pads by smuggling them underneath my hat. Obvs, for this reason alone, you should be tuning into RuPaul’s Drag Race, but me thinks you need more convincing so here are seven other reasons why you should make this show a part of your viewing schedule:
#7) Stacy Layne Matthews had the same indignation as I did this one time I was at Starbucks and the barista handed me the iced tea lemonade order and I responded with:
That’s right; sometimes baristas will just give up all hope of spelling my name, Phoebe, correctly and just scribble down the first woman’s name they can think of and then hand me my drink like I’m not going to notice that mess.
#6) Latrice Royale (l.) and Jujubee (r.) are pretty much like my boo and I when he wants to get all cute and smooch in the rain like we’re Kirsten Dunst & Tobey Maguire in Spiderman:
He’s dreamy and perfect and I’m like, “Hold up, wait. Lemme run into Whole Foods real quick, so I can buy a kumquat and use the Whole Foods plastic bag they placed the fruit in as an impromptu rain cap and protect the fro.”
#5) When you’re facing elimination from the show and RuPaul asks you to “lip sync for your life,” the best way to punctuate your performance is to do what I do when I find out my favorite brunch place has changed their policy from “cash only” to accepting debit and credit cards and I head back from the ATM to get my place back in line:
#4) It seems like RDR is constantly doing drag reenactments of my life without knowing it. Like this drag queen rising slowly perfectly represents me being brought back to the dance floor because the DJ started playing Tag Team’s Whoop (There It Is):
#3) The drag queens have so many catchphrases that I can implement in my life. For example, when I online shop at Urban Outfitters and I’m notified via email that the pair of jeans I ordered are no longer in stock, I simply stare at my computer screen and say:
and Urban Outfitters, you are nothing but some string beans that fell off the biscuit and onto the floor.” I think I’ve made my point.
#2) Pandora Boxx lets us women know that if we take a look at our vajayjays in the mirror and we’re instantly reminded of a microwavable Jimmy Dean breakfast platter, then we get ourselves a pantsuit and a library card because being sans undies is not a yellow brick road we’re meant to go down:
#1) All kidding and over the top antics aside, RuPaul is all about self-empowerment and love:
#Preach.
Alright, y’all, hope I made a convincing argument for checking out RuPaul’s Drag Race, which airs every Monday night on Logo at 10pmEST. Enjoy!
And I learned how to say, “GRRRRRRL! You better werk!” – a phrase that has changed my life.