President Obama delivering the State of the Union as Vice President Joe Biden and Speaker of the House John Boehner look on.
#TeamBlaria, as we all know, President Obama’s State of the Union address was last night and basically, the point of these SOTUs is to answer America’s question, which is the same question that’s oft-asked by women in relationships: “Where is this going?” Normally, when a lady asks that of her boo, the dude does this:
But President Obama can’t stand before the nation for an hour and look like he’s a recent college graduate whose parents came to visit him, but didn’t bring any groceries with them, so the college grad’s like, “Uhhhhh, I’m confused. Why are you here?” It would’ve been hella ignorant if Obama did that, so instead, he showed up with some well-thought out shit to say, so he could let America know what the hell he’s done thus far and what he plans on doing in the fyootch (aka future). Even though these SOTUs tend to be mostly for show (the people who agree with the Prez stand up and applaud and the people who don’t stay seated like when one of the losing actors at the Oscars refuses to join in a standing ovation for the actor who won) and are generally not very exciting, this one managed to have some memorable moments. So let’s get to my GIF recap of last night’s State of the Union.
#1) Obama and GOP Senator Mark Kirk doing exploding fist bumps like they were Wesley Snipes & Woody Harrelson in White Men Can’t Jump and had just scammed some assholes in a game of 2 on 2 basketball:
Yes, of course, the reason Obama and Kirk had this moment is because Kirk recently returned to work after suffering a stroke, but for real, for real, as evidenced by his Inauguration, Obama is in his 2nd term and letting loose since he has nothing left to lose. He never did fists bumps during his his 2010 State of the Union speech. He either shook people’s hands sternly like those politicians were teenage boys showing up to Obama’s house to take Malia out on a date or he allowed black women to hug him like this was the end of Die Hard where up until that point John McClane and his wife were an estranged couple, but destroying terrorists brought them back together:
But never a fist bump.
#2) The following exchange between Biden and Boehner shortly after Obama’s speech began embodies the moment when a friend of mine shows up ten minutes after the movie started and tries to make up for the tardiness by saying, “I got us some snacks from the concession stand,” and I’m just like, “I don’t give one Twizzler damn what you bought because you’re making everyone in this row hate us right because of your yapping:”
#3) When President Obama announces that minimum wage is going up to nine dollars an hour, teenagers across America were like:
#4) Senator Chuck Schumer looking like someone who knows they got their significant other a shitty gift, but they’re gonna nod their head approvingly while watching that person opening the present in hopes the sig oth will be hypnotized into thinking s/he received a good ass gift:
#5) Obama jokes about how lawmakers love ribbon cutting ceremonies and then is pleased about making a funny:
#6) Obama’s shout out regarding John McCain’s work on climate change is met with this fakest of fake smiles:
while the people sitting to left and right of McCain were cheesing like cray. Basically, his weak ass smile is the same kind I have when a boss, who has been shitty to me, all of a sudden decides to make a ruckus about my birthday at work. It’s like, “Bitch, do you honestly think that corralling the entire office around me to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ in a key of, ‘Sorry, we make more money than you, Pheebs, but we bought you cake’ is going to make up for you being a piece of shit?”
#7) When President Obama states that he wants the Paycheck Fairness Act, which addresses pay discrimination based on gender, to be passed, I’m thinking the women in the room are going to get choked up the way I do when after I write a funny status update on Facebook, a friend comments and ends up getting more likes me:
But instead they react like this:
#8) At various points during the SOTU, the camera catches Boehner either giving Obama a blank stare or rolling his eyes, which makes me yell the following at the TV:
which is also the last warning you get before your weave is about to get snatched.
#9) Newly appointed Secretary of State John Kerry is serving up the classic “Uh huh, sooooooo, you and your boyfriend had sex on the couch three days ago, didn’t tell me about until just now after you watched me drop a Pringle on the couch and then pick it up and eat it” nod:
Okay, maybe that’s technically not a “classic” head nod move, but I know you feel me.
#10) Marco Rubio doing this dumb shit during his Republic rebuttal to ensure that no one will remember what he said because of his fuckery:
This goof made all his fellow Republicans go:
“You had over an hour to lubricate your throat while Obama was talking, but you waited until the middle of your speech to make a reservation under “Awkward as Fuck, Party of One” by reaching for the water bottle & not breaking eye contact with the camera while taking a swig of water? You better sit your “looking like the ‘After’ on a Bosley hair commercial” ass down and rethink how you’re going to represent the Republicans better in the fyootch.”
Alrighty, that’s it for the recap on the State of the Union. Hope y’all enjoyed. See ya Friday! Love you. Mean it.
This was hilarious, Pheebs.
Tried to leave a comment before. I don’t think it went through. I loved this!