Y’all, shit just got Lifetime movie real: accused NYC soccer mom madam Anna Gristina was released from Riker’s Island on bond last night after four months behind bars. Whoo! You just know her family was singing Joyful, Joyful (the Sister Act 2 version, obvs) at this good news. Wearing an ankle bracelet, Anna chucked up the deuces to a Manhattan courthouse and was greeted by her husband and her nine year-old son, who showed up with a bouquet of red roses for his mama. Damn, that’s some thoughtful Love Actually shit. His mom is allegedly selling tang and he gets her a dozen roses and I’ve never bought my mom flowers. Ever. And my mom spent years straightening my hair with a hot comb. Do you know how hard it is to straighten a little Black girl’s hair when she doesn’t want to sit still? It’s like 98.7% more difficult than selling vajayjays because vajayjays sell themselves. Sorry, mom! I should’ve at least gotten you Chrysanthemums for your birthday. Anyway, check out the footage of Anna Gristina’s release from jail:
Pause. This long-haired, ponytailed motherfucker is your lawyer, Anna?:
What in patchouli smelling and Bob Ross landscape painting hell were you thinking? You’ve “allegedly” been running a multi-million dollar brothel for years and this is dude you chose to represent you? He’s wearing a ridiculously long ass ponytail. Male lawyers don’t have ponytails. Yes, I’m being judgmental and shallow, but tell me I’m wrong. Dude looks like he paints women’s vulvas inside his cabin in the Catskills aka this dude looks TRIFLING.