Model/actress/former Hugh Grant piece Elizabeth Hurley and common damn sense must be mortal enemies like my face grease vs. a touchscreen phone because this bitch has released her line of children’s swimwear and it’s pretty much ideal for parents who always wanted to turn their child’s walk down a sandy beach to an Italian ice cart into a ho stroll. Hurley has defended the swim line against the outrage from advocacy groups by stating that the swimsuits are “great for girls who want to look grown up — but rest assured they are still well covered:”
Really? Hurley saying these girls are well covered is like when a college sophomore pops a birth control pill into her mouth in front of her mom and pretends that shit was just aspirin. Basically, you’re lying to yourself because your mama ain’t dumb and my eyeballs work. These girls are scantily clad and if you think pedophiles aren’t checking out these kids like a woman staring at cable-knit sweater from Lord & Taylor, then Ms. Hurley, you’re lying to yourself. Outside of my obvious issues with this, I have so many questions:
#1) Who in Microsoft clip art hell was responsible for these stock background images? They look ridiculously fake and hella low budget. I mean, this disguise below is way more believable than those beach backgrounds:
It has been quite a week, y’all: Daniel Tosh’s rape joke controversy, Target refusing to sell Frank Ocean’s CD after he came out of the closet, and
an old gypsy woman Steven Tyler quitting American Idol to return to his band, full-time, Aerosmith. Whew, that’s a lot of pop cultch (aka culture) and I only scratched the surface. So without further ado, here are the top three stories that are getting the Blaria SparkNotes (don’t act like I was the only one who used this to get though high school) treatment:
1) Mitt Romney got booed the hell out when he gave a speech earlier this week at NAACP’s National Convention. Now, when I first heard this I was like:
Y’all, I lurve, not love, basketball. It’s one of my favorite sports. It’s exciting, dramatic, and I’ve always dreamed of being a NBA coach like Whoopi Goldberg in the movie Eddie when she took over the New York Knicks after winning a contest. Blah, blah, blah. Let’s get to the real point: sure, this NBA season has been great, but the real
highlight lowlight has been the post game outfits that have been nothing short of two scoops of foolishness and a sprinkle of my momma didn’t raise me with enough damn sense. So let’s toast to the top ten fashion disasters that have given my 20/20 eyeballs the middle finger in HD and then made them do this:
#10: OKC’s Russell Westbrook’s Game 1 of the NBA Finals post game outfit:
What in green eggs and ham hell is Westbrook’s shirt? The characters on it look like Dr. Seuss rejects. And, unfortunately, the only way to get a reprieve from that loud ass shirt is to look at the hipster trend that won’t die: lensless glasses. I give this look six Sally Jesse Raphaels:
For serious. This is your ad campaign, Brooklyn Industries?
Good thing there wasn’t an Asian woman in this ad because it would’ve been called “Yellow Fever.”
S mad D, southern style with a side of grits. This is ludicrous. And not for the reason you think. Although, the fact that the words “Jungle Fever” are plastered over every picture in this ad campaign is obnoxious. It’s like, “LOOK! THEY’RE INTERRACIAL AND FUCKING. AND THIS BLACK DUDE IS WEARING SANDALS! WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU SAW A BLACK DUDE WEARING SANDALS??? DO YOU SEE THIS SHIT?”* Um, yes, I have. I have ESPN, so I’ve seen my fair share of Black dudes rocking sandals while walking around with their White girlfriends and wives.
This is taking the saying, "I ready for my closeup, Mr. DeVille," to a whole new level. Put some clothes on, gurl!
This past weekend, supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio (it’s like her parents knew she was destined for hottie greatness. I mean, when’s the last time you heard of a supermodel named Phyllis? I still maintain that my mom’s mere suggestion that I be named me Phyllis, a suggestion my dad rightfully so vetoed, totally vag blocked me out of the hottie counsel of the universe forever.) posed butt ass nekked for Brazilian jewelry company, Vivara. Is it just me or has there been a serious uptick in the number of pregnant celebs/models posing nosed for pictures?