#TeamBlaria, in T-minus two days, Mother’s Day will be hurr, which means that a lot of mamas will be giving their chillrens fake ass smiles after receiving boxes of Whitman’s Samplers/Godiva chocolate because deep down they’re thinking, “I rearranged eighteen years of my life like it was an ultimate Feng Shui challenge that was suggested by Oprah and Nate Berkus and all you got me was this?” What I’m trying to say is that for once in our lives, we need to step up for a change and do some totes sentimental, Aerosmith Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing stuff or if not sentimental, then, at the very least, something thoughtful as a way of expressing thanks for our madres not powering down and rebooting their reproductive organs when they found out they were preggers with us. So, like me, hopefully, you already have something planned, but if you don’t, fear not, because just as I helped walk you through Father’s Day last yurr (for a refresher, you can read that here), I’m back to give you my Blaria-fied tips on doing Mother’s Day up right:
DO: Just like it ain’t Christmas without a drunk bitch trying to sing Santa Baby like she’s Eartha Kitt while you’re eating a slice of sweet potato pie, it ain’t Mother’s Day unless you buy your mom a card, so do it. Mamas love cards and might even heart them more than the actual gift you purchased since for some reason, being a mother means enjoying reading a card that includes words her child didn’t write because at the bottom is the kid’s jankity ass signature that was clearly scribbled as passionlessly as I sign taxi receipts. All kidding aside, if you do none of the other DOs on this list, please heed this one because I’m recommending it from experience. One time, I didn’t get my mom a birthday card to go with her present and she straight up reacted the way I did in college when a professor would say the final exam is cumulative:
So just spend the four bucks on a card, ‘kay?
DON’T: Note, this is for people of color, espesh those of the mocha persuasion. DON’T wait until the last minute to buy a Mother’s Day card because the Mahogany and In Rhythm brands of Hallmark cards will be sold out. Then all you’ll be left with is a bunch white people cards where you have to color in the faces with a brown magic marker and write some Maya Angelou sounding shit on the inside to offset the fact that cover is of a Children of the Corn girl in cuffed overalls and skipping rocks across a lake. For realz, if your black mom gets one of these cards, she has every right to do the paper bag test aka hold the card featuring white people up to a brown paper bag and then turn to you and do the following:
Yes, even if you are a dude, your mom will tell your ass #girlbye because a card that says, “Look at these white people on swings” clearly lets her know you waited until the last damn minute to buy a card.