Happy Wednesday, y’all! I know I normally post my podcasts on Thursday, but I’m going to be flying to Portland, OR, most of tomorrow as I’ll be performing at the 6th Annual Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Whoop! I had a blast last yurr and I’m hoping this year will be just as good if not better. Anyway, enough about me. It’s all about today’s guest, Chris Lamberth, a funny comedian, whom I have known for a while. Like most of my relationships with comics, we met in person, but thanks to Gchat, our relationship has thrived. But I wanted some more human interaction with Chris, I had him come by my day job, so us two movie nerds could geek out in person. I swear, this podcast is just an excuse for me to see people I rarely see in person. Thanks, technology! Anyhoo, check out the convo after the jump!
“Find a white, middle-aged Christian man today and hug him. And then, encourage him and your white Christian sons to stand up, be leaders again, and save our country from the God-hating communists like Alec Baldwin and Obama.” – excerpt from former SNL performer & current political conservative, Victoria Jackson’s now-deleted blog post asking, “Why is there a Black History Month, but no White History Month.”
Just like when I order a gift for my boyfriend from Amazon.com and then internet ads for the exact item I just bought him pop up every time mah boo uses my comp, I’mma need Victoria, Ms. Jackson if you’re ignorant, to
and return to her place of irrelevance. But it’s not just her. Since I’ve been alive, I’ve heard the question asked in a multitude of ways ranging from the half joking/half serious tone to “WTF?! Why do black people get special treatment? What about white people?” And my reaction to the inquiry has ranged from an exasperated sigh to reticence over responding because of the fact that whatever I say will most likely be filed away under “This is What All Black People Think” and I refuse to participate in the myth that all black people think, feel, and behave the exact same way. But thanks to things like Lincoln (which I had been opposed to seeing because based on the trailer, I gathered what the deal was going to be: a never-ending beej to his greatness; but due to a writing assignment, I had to watch the film last night) I was seething with rage at the gross liberties in which screenwriter Tony Kushner and director Steven Spielberg to tell the story of the passing of the 13th Amendment. So I was all but forced to express my opinion on the importance of BHM and my deep disappointment, especially in Spielberg, because he’s Jewish and should know better. Let me explain.
Ten Romantic Comedies You Can Watch With Your Boo On Valentine’s Day That Won’t Make Him Want To Shoot Himself In the Face6 Feb
Props to all the single ladies going to every library, grocery store, and sports bar and doing the “Oh, Shit, Valentine’s Day Is Almost Here And I’m Sans Peens, So It’s Time To Send Out Some Queef Signals:
And Snare Me a Man Who Will Buy Me A Whitman’s Chocolate Sampler.” If you don’t end up landing a dude, V-Day could suck unless you happen to stumble upon a couple arguing in the street on your way home from work then you can do this:
And secretly feel better about your life. Now, all you peeps who are like me and are in a good relay lay (aka relationship), don’t go getting all smug because this holiday kinda blows for us, too. There’s too much pressure to express your love in an epic manner, spend money on overpriced flowers and dinners, and most importantly, to me, it’s damn near impossible to agree a movie to watch so you either fight about it or pick something that one of you doesn’t want to see. Generally speaking, on this romantical day, plenty of ladies want to peep a rom com, which makes their men wish they could load up their urethras with kidney stones like one loads up a Nerf gun and shoot us and themselves in the face. Luckily, that shit ain’t possible or I would’ve been riddled with K stones every time I made my boo stop channel surfing because I was like, “Oooh, is that a Drew Barrymore movie? Let’s see what she’s doing!” Anyway, the point is that this V-Day is gonna be different for all couples across the world (or just the ones who read this blog) because I’m going to help y’all pick a movie that you and your boo can enjoy. Here are ten options that are foolproof…
There’s Something About Mary
Straight up, most dudes prefer to remember Brett Favre for his funny ass cameo as Cameron Diaz’s ex-bf and not his peen picture that he sent to former NY Jets sideline reporter Jenn Sterger, in which he held his peen between his fingers like one holds a biscotti cookie. Brett, are you going to dip you peen into a cup of coffee? No? Then get your damn hand out of the pic.
Happy Friday, #TeamBlaria! I’m on my way to a wedding in South Salem, NY (yes, that’s a real place), so I’m going to keep the message of today’s post short and sweet: Tyler Perry, your tomfoolery is the equivalent of a Native American rain dance, except that in this case, you’re not summoning rain; you’re summoning the spirit of every notable African-American to angry pop-lock Michael Jackson Thriller style over to your ass to knock some sense into you. Black people didn’t work this hard so you can create these horrible Madea movies. Okay, so that wasn’t short or sweet, but you’ll understand why I feel this way after watching the movie trailer for Madea’s Witness Protection.
In the groundbreaking film (and by “groundbreaking,” I mean using a shovel to break open the ground and dump this garbage of a movie in there and bury it forever) that comes out today, Madea hides a White family and hilarity ensues because White & Black people are so different! Like Black people say “Chicken WANG” and White chillrens throw pillows at adults because White people don’t raise their kids to respect elders. Thanks for being the worst, Tyler!:
Before I start today’s post, I just wanted to update y’all in case you were wondering (you weren’t), but yes, I did totally try and see if Chris Gaines’ album is available on Spotify yesterday (it is not).* That action has officially dethroned my previous lowest low, which #TMIAlert after my flight arrived in Ohio, I dropped a deuce in the airport bathroom, then bought a Cinnabon, ate it on the cab ride to my parents’ house, which undoubtedly made me poop again shortly after arriving to my parents’ house (btdubs, if my boyfriend is reading this, I don’t poop. Love you). Anyway, the following GIF best symbolizes that experience:
Moving onto today’s issue. Quentin Tarantino, after three long years, is finally releasing his latest film Django Unchained, a Blaxplotation/Western mashup starring Jamie Foxx, Christoph Waltz, and Leonardo DiCaprio. The movie centers around Django (Foxx) who, with the help of his mentor (Waltz), becomes a slave-turned-bounty hunter and sets out to rescue his wife (Kerry Washington) from a Mississippi plantation owner (DiCaprio). Let’s check out the teaser trailer:
Happy Friday, #TeamBlaria! Before I get to the heart of the matter (Don Henley!) with this post, which is my first ever movie review for the blog, I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my jar of cocoa butter and heart for supporting Blaria during its first two months. Because of you, I have officially surpassed 10,000 TOTAL VIEWS!!! To those who didn’t think it was possible:
Now onto the movie review.I think it is safe for me to write this as I don’t really consider this a spoiler, but pretty early on in the movie, unemployed and outgoing Lisa (Starsha Gill) discovers that there are alternate dimensions where people exist. Rightfully so, she’s eager for her more reserved roommate Ashley (Kara Elverson) to arrive home from work to tell her this news. But Ashley responds the way I did when my parents got their first cell phone two years ago and said, “It has special features like a camera!” In 2010, a camera on a phone standard, not special. In fact, some would probably say if your phone didn’t have a camera then it wasn’t a real phone.
Point is, Ashley’s reaction is pretty ho hum. She already knew about the existence of alternate dimensions and never told Lisa. Why, I don’t know. I’m also not sure why Ashley is so blasé about their existence when she has yet to experience this phenomenon. Questions aside about this minor detail, Cat Scratch Fever is a rather enjoyable film about a pair of best friends who sink into the abyss of watching their alternate selves live instead of actually living themselves. Check out the trailer below:
For serious. This is your ad campaign, Brooklyn Industries?
S mad D, southern style with a side of grits. This is ludicrous. And not for the reason you think. Although, the fact that the words “Jungle Fever” are plastered over every picture in this ad campaign is obnoxious. It’s like, “LOOK! THEY’RE INTERRACIAL AND FUCKING. AND THIS BLACK DUDE IS WEARING SANDALS! WHEN’S THE LAST TIME YOU SAW A BLACK DUDE WEARING SANDALS??? DO YOU SEE THIS SHIT?”* Um, yes, I have. I have ESPN, so I’ve seen my fair share of Black dudes rocking sandals while walking around with their White girlfriends and wives.
I love romantic comedies. That’s right, Blarians, little miss feisty over here likes cheesy, schmaltzy, Colin Firth-y, sappy and completely unrealistic happy endings (even there’s a teeny tiny part of me – my vagina – that wishes life really turned out as neat and tidy). I get a high watching rom coms, a high so great that I like to imagine it’s the same kind of high that Oprah has when she wakes up in the morning and remembers she’s a billionaire.
Don’t believe that my little heart of coal can like something so utterly barf-inducing? This is how much I love rom coms: they make me like songs I’d otherwise hate if I heard them somewhere else or make me feel like, “damn, if only this song was used in Julia Roberts movie, I’d be all about it.” For example, we all know that Citi Bank commercial with the rock climbing woman and then that stupid song kicks in: SOMEBODY LEFT THE GATE OPEN! Every time I hear that part of the commersh, I think, “Bitch, close the damn gate already.”
However, if that very same song was strategically used in a rom com like Jerry Maguire, I’d probably feel different. If, during the scene where Jerry confesses his love to Renée Zellweger by saying, “You complete me,” (ugh, barf. Go fuck yourself, Tom Cruise, but real quick, can you fuck me first?) and then SOMEBODY LEFT THE GATE OPEN! started playing, I’d be like, “Preach, girl” and then cry.