Kim Kardashian & Kris Humphries. Dennis Rodman & Carmen Electra. Jennifer Lopez & Chris Judd. What do these former couples/publicity stunts have in common? They all used the gift receipt on their relationships to trade in for a different peen or poon of equal or lesser value after less than one year of being together. And it’s not just celebs. It seems like everywhere we turn, relationships are ending as quickly as they began. Sure, plenty of times, those two people probably didn’t belong together, but a lot of times, relationships don’t have to end or be as difficult as they are if people only knew certain things. So on the eve of celebrating my one year anniversary/X-mas with mah boo, I’d thought I share some Blaria-fied tips on how my boo and I have managed not to send each other to the left (well, technically, one of us would have to go stage left; otherwise, we’d be going in the same direction, but you get the point).
DO: Fart around him once, but no more than thrice, to normalize things. Look, farting around your man is like using sick days at work. You only get a certain amount and you need to use them wisely like for a mental health day or if you’re too hungover from last night’s shenanigans. The same holds true with breaking wind. You got your “I’m not perfect; can I just live” fart when you’ve had a stressful week at work and you emotionally ate that spicy meatball sub, knowing that your body can’t handle it, the “tee-hee, that was a surprise” fart, and the “tooting like a jazz solo on the HBO show Treme because I’m sick and can’t control my bodily functions” fart. In all three instances, you’re showing your boo that you’re comfortable with yourself and not high maintenanced. He will appreciate that you’re okay with being your real self around him. But be sure not to get too comfortable with it. Like don’t maintain eye contact with your boo as you toot out your butt:

And take a sip of your orange juice like, “Yeah, there’s more where that come from. Don’t wake me up at 8am on a Saturday to make your ass some home fries.” No revenge farts allowed, y’all! There can be no evidence that you are enjoying the fart. Like you still gotta do the “oopsie” face and shit:

And let him know that you’re not going to pop on off whenever you feel good and ready.
Continue reading →
Bird is the word. So spread that bird, y'all!
Like this:
Like Loading...
Tags: Advice, Couples, Dating, Love, Relationships