Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful

Um, okay, well can we hate you because your inflated sense of self is Last week, Samantha Brick, a columnist for the UK’s Daily Mail, wrote a masturbatory article about her #prettygirlproblems, namely that women hate her for her beauty. I guess Samantha forgot that we all have eyes (and not just the hills), the ability to type “Samantha Brick” into Google image search, look at her face, think “Bitch, please,” and then go back to Instagramming pictures that don’t need to look vintage. People, you took a photo of Words with Friends declaring you the winner. Mind you, it’s a game that came out two years ago, which you just won five minutes ago. On the internet. It’s not vintage. It’s literally right now.

Samantha Brick posing with her stepson Antonio. His eyes are saying, “Bitch please, you are a six now can we go inside so I drink some Capri Sun.”

Aside: Sorry for this post being less than timely, but as you may or may not know, last Friday, I had to address Chickengate 2012 aka Mary J. Blige warbling about a damn chicken sammich. If only Blaria had existed three years ago during Ig’nant Ass Chickengate 2009, I could’ve written about these wastes of life:

Did that broad just say, “How we gonna feed our kids?” I’m pretty sure Mary J. Blige would suggest FRESH LEDDIS to start.

But back to Ms. Samantha Brick. I personally think that she is attractive enough, in a Talbots spokesmodel sort of way, but even if I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world, the fact that she believes that people hate her for her looks, when it is clear the far larger issue is her self-absorption, is not only lazy, but is a narrative that allows her to keep feeling good about herself while simultaneously being the victim. Newsflash: pretty people have friends. I don’t think Halle Berry has difficulty finding some girlfriends to go bowling with. So I refuse to accept Samantha’s explanation for her failed friendships with other women.

Looks have nothing to do with why friends have dropped out her life, why she hasn’t been asked her to be a bridesmaid, etc. Her saying women categorically hate her because of her looks is like when some Black women will claim I’m jealous of them because of they have straight hair. No, I hate you because you spent all that money on a nice weave and/or perm to straighten your hair yet you neglected to spend $5 dollars on Palmer’s Cocoa Butter, so you’re walking around with ashy knees and elbows.

To quote Aziz Ansari & Retta from “Parks & Recreation,” Black women, “treat yo self” and go to the Ethnic Care Aisle at Walgreens and pick up some cocoa butter.

Suffice it to say, it’s not about the hair. And with Samantha, it’s not about looks, at least for me. It’s about the fact that she uses grand generalizations to sum up an ENTIRE gender. To state that women don’t like attractive women is not only problematic, but it feeds into the prevailing mindset of most that women don’t get along and are the epitome of cattiness. Sure, Samantha probably did encounter a few women throughout her life who may have been jealous over her looks, but a few does not stand for all women. And for Samantha to take it a step further and state that the vitriolic responses to her article (her post received 1.5 millions views and there were also sensible responses in addition to the mean ones) thereby proves that she’s right is downright ludicrous.

She fails to recognize that her article puts down every woman in order to hoist herself up. And to do such a thing in a public forum is not only ill-advised, but somewhat reckless. Women cannot necessarily control how we are perceived by society, but we do have the ability to not feed into the tomfoolery of “Women don’t like other women.” It’s as if it’s way more plausible to Samantha that women do nothing but engage in in-fighting rather than that she is ridiculously arrogant and her attitude accounts for some of her difficulties.

You know what Samantha needs to do? Time travel back to the ’90s. Her arrogance would be taken down a peg or two if ’90s daytime talk shows still existed. Because with ’90s daytime talk shows, there is always some Ricki Lake audience member who gets up and tells you about yourself while the rest of the audience inexplicably goes ape shit:

In all seriousness, Samantha can think she is the most beautiful person in the world if she wants to. She’s entitled to view herself however she chooses. What I, and I think a lot of people, won’t accept is trashing all women in the process. It’s 2012. It’s time women get more vocal and make it known to other people just how truly great and wonderful female friendships are. I’m a tomboy and have always had a lot of guy friends, but I’ll be damned if some of the best laughs and times of my life haven’t been with a girlfriend as we’re riding the Greyhound to Bumblefuck, VA (not the real city’s name, obv, but it’s pretty close) to do a stand up show at a college or a three way phone call with a couple of college girlfriends and reminiscing about inside jokes from years ago.

Samantha, whether you want to believe it or not, I think that same gendered friendships are probably some of the most important relationships you will ever have in your entire life. Quit looking at other women as the enemy. They’re not. Your mindset is. Bitch. Kidding! Don’t hate me because I’m blassy (aka Black & sassy) because I already hate myself for saying “blassy.”

Author: Blaria

According to Serial Optimist, NYC-based stand up-comedian and writer Phoebe Robinson “is brilliant and able to critique some really complex concepts in a sentence or two. Bask in it, people.” Which is precisely what The Huffington Post is trying to get people to do when it listed her as one of “18 Funny Women You Should Be Following On Twitter,” but with the way things are going, it seems the place to follow her is on TV. Phoebe is a writer for MTV’s Girl Code and most recently co-hosted an episode of the new series Raising McCain, wrote on the VH1 pilot Chateau Buteau, appeared on FX’s Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell and Comedy Central’s Broad City, was a panelist on VH1’s Big Morning Buzz, and has been featured on several talking head shows for Pivot TV, VH-1, and the TV Guide Channel such as 100 Shows to See Before You Die, 25 Biggest Reality Star Blunders, and 40 Greatest Hip Hop Songs. When not on television, Phoebe’s a writer for and contributes to The New York Times. Her blog Blaria (aka Black Daria) was picked up by The Huffington Post and has been featured on their website. She has also been published in Time Out NY, The NY Post, and The Smoking Jacket. Phoebe has also made her mark in the world of stand up. She was a finalist in NBC’s Stand Up for Diversity competition and was a part of their 2011-2012 USA college tour. Since the tour, she has performed in the Bridgetown Comedy Festival, the Eugene Mirman Festival, the New York Underground Comedy Festival, the All Jane No Dick Festival, SF Sketchfest, the Women in Comedy Festival, the Brooklyn Comedy Festival, and the New York Comedy Festival. Phoebe has also branched out into radio as she has been on Sirius XM’s Raw Dog Comedy, Canada’s CBC Radio, and bitch magazine’s podcast.

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