Morning, #TeamBlaria! Hope y’all had a wonderful weekend. Mine was cool. I was very lucky to get booked last minute to MC for the very funny Anthony Jeselnik. I know some of you complained about me mentioning this last minute, but I didn’t get booked until Friday morning after all the shows were already sold out, so hopefully, next time, I’ll booked a little quicker in advance. Anyhoo, enough about me. It’s about today’s guest, the very funny Calise Hawkins, whom y’all might recognize most from her stand up appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. She ventured out in the torrential rain to record with me two weeks ago and I’m glad she did because I had a wonderful time talking with her and would have loved to chat more, but she had a meeting to get to. So check out our fun convo after the jump!
Morning! Hope you don’t have a case of the Mondays, but if you do, I don’t blame you. Mondays are nothing more than a big pile of gorilla doo doo. Am I right?! Anyway, we are offish in the thick of spring, which means we’re all trying to get summer sex and luckily for you, I have plenty of the Blaria Podcast for you to listen while you’re sweating on the treadmill. Today, I’m chatting with fellow comedian George Gordon, who runs on of the best shows in NYC. In fact, it’s so dope that the Afterlife comedy show is moving to Union Hall starting in the summer. Pretty maj! So before the big monthly show kicks off, GG, came by the IAC office so we can chat about comedy and other fun shiz. Full disclosure: this episode quickly became one of my fav that I’ve done so far! So check it out after the jump! Whoop!
#TeamBlaria, in T-minus two days, Mother’s Day will be hurr, which means that a lot of mamas will be giving their chillrens fake ass smiles after receiving boxes of Whitman’s Samplers/Godiva chocolate because deep down they’re thinking, “I rearranged eighteen years of my life like it was an ultimate Feng Shui challenge that was suggested by Oprah and Nate Berkus and all you got me was this?” What I’m trying to say is that for once in our lives, we need to step up for a change and do some totes sentimental, Aerosmith Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing stuff or if not sentimental, then, at the very least, something thoughtful as a way of expressing thanks for our madres not powering down and rebooting their reproductive organs when they found out they were preggers with us. So, like me, hopefully, you already have something planned, but if you don’t, fear not, because just as I helped walk you through Father’s Day last yurr (for a refresher, you can read that here), I’m back to give you my Blaria-fied tips on doing Mother’s Day up right:
DO: Just like it ain’t Christmas without a drunk bitch trying to sing Santa Baby like she’s Eartha Kitt while you’re eating a slice of sweet potato pie, it ain’t Mother’s Day unless you buy your mom a card, so do it. Mamas love cards and might even heart them more than the actual gift you purchased since for some reason, being a mother means enjoying reading a card that includes words her child didn’t write because at the bottom is the kid’s jankity ass signature that was clearly scribbled as passionlessly as I sign taxi receipts. All kidding aside, if you do none of the other DOs on this list, please heed this one because I’m recommending it from experience. One time, I didn’t get my mom a birthday card to go with her present and she straight up reacted the way I did in college when a professor would say the final exam is cumulative:
So just spend the four bucks on a card, ‘kay?
DON’T: Note, this is for people of color, espesh those of the mocha persuasion. DON’T wait until the last minute to buy a Mother’s Day card because the Mahogany and In Rhythm brands of Hallmark cards will be sold out. Then all you’ll be left with is a bunch white people cards where you have to color in the faces with a brown magic marker and write some Maya Angelou sounding shit on the inside to offset the fact that cover is of a Children of the Corn girl in cuffed overalls and skipping rocks across a lake. For realz, if your black mom gets one of these cards, she has every right to do the paper bag test aka hold the card featuring white people up to a brown paper bag and then turn to you and do the following:
Yes, even if you are a dude, your mom will tell your ass #girlbye because a card that says, “Look at these white people on swings” clearly lets her know you waited until the last damn minute to buy a card.
Happy Tuesday, y’all! I’m not going to lie; I’m all out of sorts because I watched last night’s reunion/season finale of RuPaul’s Drage Race, so I’m a lil out of sorts aka covered in glitter and worrying about my tuck game even though I’m sans a peen to tuck. Anyhoo, let’s get to the matter at hand, which is today’s guest, comedian and podcaster, Josh Homer. We’ve been buds for a while, so it was only a matter of time before I got him on the show. We discussed comedy, how he met his wife, and cray cray stuff like bestiality. Shit gets really real. So peep our convo after the jump!
Happy Thursday, y’all! I’m back this week with a second episode of the Blaria Podcast. Whoo-hoo! This time around I’m chopping it up with bi-coastal comic and TV personality Michelle Buteau. This has been a podcast epi months in the making as we both have been busy, but the stars finally aligned and she joined me at my day job (seriously, how have I not been fired yet?) to talk about her career, her childhood and our love of pop culture. Hands down, this is one of the most enjoyable times I’ve had recording the Blaria poddie. See why after the jump!
Personally, I don’t believe that you can live an openly homosexual lifestyle or an openly– like premarital sex between heterosexuals. If you’re openly living that type of lifestyle, then the Bible says you know them by their fruits. It says that, you know, that’s a sin. If you’re openly living in unrepentant sin, whatever it may be, not just homosexuality, whatever it maybe, I believe that’s walking in open rebellion to God and to Jesus Christ. So I would not characterize that person as a Christian because I don’t think the Bible would characterize them as a Christian. ~ ESPN sportscaster Chris Broussard on yesterday’s episode of Outside the Lines following the publication of Collins’ essay.
Christopher Rahim Broussand (Idk if that’s his middle name, but #realtalk, beige people’s parents tend to give their chillrens totes ethnic-sounding middle names to counterbalance the fact that the kids have the complexion of a soy iced latte from Dunkin Donuts, so “Rahim” it is for Mr. Broussard), I’mma need you to act like a Trapper Keeper and zip your mouth shut. I mean, how dare you? Yesterday was truly a historic and important moment in American sports and in Jason Collins’ life and instead of you silently pursing your lips like you just smelled a fart that you do not agree with existing, you decided to go on national television and do the verbal equivalent of the infamous pig’s blood prom scene from the movie Carrie. No day is the day to spew intolerance, but certainly, yesterday was not. So fuck you for trying to make Collins’ life-long journey all about you.
#TeamBlaria! Howdy! Hope you had a good weekend. Mine was a’ight. I was sick for most of it, so I was chilling with Kleenex and DayQuil the whole time, but that’s my cross to bear. Melodramatic, much? Anyhoo, this week, I’m dropping two Blaria poddies, so today is the first one. Whoo-hoo! today, I’m chatting with the lovely and talented Kate Berlant, who I just had the pleasure of performing with a couple of weekends ago at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. She’s very funny, a little left of center and also interesting to talk to. We chatted it up about her childhood, her opening up to the world, comedy, and other stuff. Peep the convo after the jump!
#TeamBlaria, sometimes when people get caught with their hand in the proverbial Toll House cookie jar, they will eat every damn cookie then vow to go to the gym later and listen to Phil Collins In The Air Tonight while crying salty tears on the StairMaster aka continue to do the hot mess behavior to its completion but promise to get right with Christ in the morning. Other times, folks will have a deer in the highlights look on their face, press the eject button, and watch their brains peace out of their heads like they’re a villain James Bond got rid of because the baddie was all up in his car, messing with his pre-set radio station (and trying to murderize him). This is one of those times.
Esther Irene was accused of acting like a 1980s DJ at a Brooklyn house party, who’s scratching Grandmaster Flash’s The Message record instead of letting it be aka inappropriately touching one of her seven-year-old students at Northwest Preparatory Academy Charter School like. With a sweet and sensible name like Esther Irene – which, by the way, had to come from the abuelita name generator (it’s the same as the porn star name generator except instead of taking the names of the street you grew up on and your childhood pet and combining them, you take the name of the murdered character from the first episode of Murder, She Wrote you ever watched and the name of a white celebrity’s adopted Asian baby and put them together) – you think she would react like a sane person and pull a Shaggy It Wasn’t Me defense. Right? Nope! She says that she couldn’t have possibly molested this child because she’s racist and doesn’t like touching black chillrens. Um, wut? Seriously, pedos around the world are reacting to Esther Irene the way I did when my brother and I were kids and he got in trouble with our parents, but I didn’t:
Because the garbage coming out her face is ig’nant as fuck and all the other pedos know it. Rather than use the aforementioned and far more logical defense, Esther Irene decided to stick the landing in a vat of triflingness like she’s a gymnast going for the gold medal at the 1984 Olympics. Bitch, Mary Lou Retton you are not, so please sit your dumb ass down before I slap you upside the head with a bottle of Metamucil.
#TeamBlaria! I’m back in the lovely land of NYC! How I missed y’all while I was away in Portland, OR at the the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. The fest was great. I did fun shows, checked out awesome comics like Dana Gould, Ron Funches, and Cameron Esposito; and took full advantage of farting into furniture cushions that don’t belong to me. #Success. Anyhoo, a new week is here, so I’m dropping some new Blaria. Today, I’m bringing an episode of the Blaria Podcast with guest Kevin Barnett. I wanted to have some new writing for y’all, but I didn’t get into town until 10pm last night and while I was in Portland, I was busy doing shows and writing assignments for Glamour.com, so alas, I gots nada. New written post will go up tomorrow. In the meantime check out my convo with one of the stars of MTV2′s Guy Code Kevin B. as we discuss how he got the nickname “Fat boy,” doing comedy on the road (including shitting on people, not literally, but verbally) and dating. Check out our convo after the jump!
Happy Wednesday, y’all! I know I normally post my podcasts on Thursday, but I’m going to be flying to Portland, OR, most of tomorrow as I’ll be performing at the 6th Annual Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Whoop! I had a blast last yurr and I’m hoping this year will be just as good if not better. Anyway, enough about me. It’s all about today’s guest, Chris Lamberth, a funny comedian, whom I have known for a while. Like most of my relationships with comics, we met in person, but thanks to Gchat, our relationship has thrived. But I wanted some more human interaction with Chris, I had him come by my day job, so us two movie nerds could geek out in person. I swear, this podcast is just an excuse for me to see people I rarely see in person. Thanks, technology! Anyhoo, check out the convo after the jump!